Today I'm feeling a bit resentful. H is off looking for happiness while I manage kids, bills, etc. The funny thing is I have not been happy either but I choose to be responsible. The more I think about this new H, the more I despise him for being so selfish, narcissistic, and self-centered. Definitely not the person I married.
I cried like a baby this morning after my prayer/devotional time, grieving my old H and the marriage I once took for granted.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
hang in there, after a period of grieving you will come out the other side stronger. For me the grieving is now on and off. It's strange, I don't want to go to that place and feel the sadness, but more often than not I feel like it's helpful to feel the pain. The pain keeps me honest with myself. Or else I become completely detached and all I have left is "why the hell am I still here."
I do get stressed out also managing the kids and basically everything else in this house. try to make time for yourself and find ways to de-stress. Your kids will be happier when you are happier.
Thanks, Woosa. I cannot wait until I come out on the other side! In the midst of my grief, I sent him a text to see how things went with his triip back from the holidays to which he has not yet responded. I am determined to now go dim (only communication about joint bills or about the children) and detach.
Also I know what you all say about not believing what my WH/MLC spouse says, but this is becoming hard. Maybe he is right. Maybe he cannot be the spouse I need. Maybe he has thought about this long and hard and the right thing to do Is move on. This is one of the hardest things I have ever done - trying to stand alone for my marriage when my spouse has completely checked out.
Last edited by HesAble; 12/30/1903:27 AM.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
Shortly after BD my mind was a mess, and I kept thinking about getting out ASAP because I cannot “waste time” with someone who is not there for me. But slowly my mentality changed and I decided to stand. Not for an infinite amount of time but for the time being. Later when my H asked me for more time, I told him that we’ve been together for 10+ years, I can give you at least a few months. Which I think is the same in your sitch, you are still pretty new in this, give yourself some time to decide. You may feel different everyday, and with time you will have more clarity. It’s hard I know, but I am three months in and I didn’t think I’d make it this far either.
I am praying for strength to endure these marital problems. I have an appointment with my IC in January. Part of the "homework" the IC assigned relates to GAL. So perhaps I should get busy with that and with focusing more on my career (the end of Nov. & beginning of Dec. was not my most productive time at work to say the least).
Another issue is the loneliness. I was already somewhat lonely before DB, but now I feel super lonely. I try to spend more time with family and friends but there is a loneliness that it seems only a partner can fill. Praying that God fill that void because I know He can.
Last edited by HesAble; 12/30/1909:35 PM.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
I saw H commented inappropriately on another woman's social media post (not the first time) and now I am feeling like what is the use in standing for this shell of a marriage? What is left of it to even stand for? I don't know how long I can deal with his disrespectful behavior.
I filed as soon as I found about the OW (and I need money) so I'm probably not the one to give advice. My WAH tells D14 which women he thinks are "hot". One is a former teacher of my kids (that stung). So lets recap he's married, he's got OW and he's still trolling for women. I'm so sad.
I saw H commented inappropriately on another woman's social media post (not the first time) and now I am feeling like what is the use in standing for this shell of a marriage? What is left of it to even stand for? I don't know how long I can deal with his disrespectful behavior.
I filed as soon as I found about the OW (and I need money) so I'm probably not the one to give advice. My WAH tells D14 which women he thinks are "hot". One is a former teacher of my kids (that stung). So lets recap he's married, he's got OW and he's still trolling for women. I'm so sad.
Hugs to you. Sorry you are here. It has been so hard for me to maintain my forgiving spirit and to keep standing for my marriage when H is so disrespectful, so I can imagine how painful this has been for you. I have been trying to detach, GAL, etc., but just when I think I can, H does something else to make me regress into negative emotions.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
Today my daughter somehow found an album of honeymoon photos of me and H. She brought them over to me and began flipping through the pages. I thought I was going to burst into tears. I quietly got up and went to the restroom.
Every time I tell myself I do not need this shell of a marriage, emotions start rushing in because something like this happens.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
Breathe! It's okay....you are grieving for the loss of a relationship and the old marriage is now dead. Grieving takes a long time to get through and it's best to allow those tears and emotions to wash over you and then release them. As times goes on, it will get better.
Dig deeper for patience and be kind and gentle to yourself. Do whatever you need to do to get through each minute, hour and day. No one says you have to be Ms. Happy every day.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
H has a HD and my drive has been pretty low due to what I realize now was chronic fatigue due to depression and resentment for him not helping enough with the kids and chores. (Once or twice a week was not enough for him). If we were in a SSM, how do I address that in 180ing? I guess I cannot if I am detaching and if this is one of his main problems in the marriage, detaching may hurt more than help because I am obviously not giving him any physical attention (with the exception of the time he initiated weeks after the BD)?
Last edited by HesAble; 01/03/2012:45 AM.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
