Hi, I've been following for a bit, but this is my first post. We've been married 18 years, together 20. First off, my husband had a one night stand 5 years ago after his Dad suddenly died. He was remorseful and I thought we were working on the marriage. 7 weeks ago I got a fraud alert on my phone. Asked him f he knew what the charge was, he says an affair site he was trying to join. No emotion at all. Suddenly he stands up and says I don't love you anymore I want a divorce. Furthermore, I haven't loved you in 2 years. I stayed for the kids and because I felt pity for you for what I did. He then left for a day and came back because my daughter was upset. He was sleeping on the couch. Fast forward 4 days and I find out he's in the park with a friend. He was condascending and rude to me. By 8 that night I told him you have til 11 to get your stuff, you can't sleep on the couch and see other people. Your feelings may not have been real, but mine are and I won't be treated this way. The next morning I brought our autistic daughter to a group and he attempted suicide. I got back and called 911. He wouldn't see me in the ER. This was a day before father's day. Child services is now involved as our son found him like that. It's such a mess. He keeps acting like he cares, has said I love you (almost) a couple of times, then he took over his paycheck (I'm a Stay at hom mom and have always done the bills) Noe he has cut me off from the online account so I can't see the check. I know he's trying to find a place as he's living at his mom's and has been since the suicide attempt. He did finally come over and watch the kids for me the other day, which was a big step and he keeps hugging me tight. He said he was filing separation straight away and he still hasn't 7 weeks later. I keep seeing hope and I feel like it keeps getting taken away. I have read DB and I feel it's helping with me being calm and working on myself, but I don't feel like he's coming back. Please help.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
[/quote]So sorry you are here. But you are in the best possible place to recover from this, one way or another.
As for the money - if he's not paying the bills you need to see an attorney ASAP and get an order for temporary support. The sooner the better really before he gets himself established in a new place. The financial reality of the cost of two homes needs to hit him in the face. Also if there are savings you need an order to keep him from spending them. (You'd be surprised how many men have spent their kids' college savings to finance their midlife crisis.) Can you access any joint savings and move half for safe keeping?
Has he ever been treated for depression? And in retrospect, do you suspect that he may have been cheating all along? Or at least since his father's death?
I mean, that's pretty far along to be joining a cheater's website. (Ashley Madison I presume? Isn't that what it's called?) It's worthwhile to look back and try to see what the actual truth of him is. He may just be a guy who got depressed and went off the rails, as you assumed after his father's death. But sometimes there is a bigger problem.Could he be an alcoholic, or doing drugs? A sex addict? Gambling or financial misdeeds? (I assume not since you do the finances but you might run a credit check to look for credit cards you might not know about.) Has he always been a narcissist who needs to have the world revolving around him and his desires? Take off the rose colored glasses and give an honest appraisal of who he really has been. Look back over the phone records - often that can be enlightening about what has been going on and for how long.
Oh, and btw? [quote] He was sleeping on the couch. Fast forward 4 days and I find out he's in the park with a friend. He was condescending and rude to me. By 8 that night I told him you have til 11 to get your stuff, you can't sleep on the couch and see other people. Your feelings may not have been real, but mine are and I won't be treated this way.
This was brilliant! A good example of having healthy boundaries. You are in no way responsible for his suicide attempt.
Keep up the healthy boundaries. He has to pay for his family. He can't come back without intensive counseling, individual and couples. He needs to see a psychiatrist for his suicidality. He needs to have complete transparency with phone and computer if he comes back. He may need a twelve step sex addiction program. It's possible to be tough and kind at the same time. Value yourself.You are the prize and he needs to do the work to win you back.
Now - in the meantime - you have no control over what he's going to do or how long it takes or if he will come back or not. You might even end up deciding you don't want him back some time in the future. The goal for right now is to focus on yourself and your kids.
Don't be a doormat financially - too many women think they can keep their man if they accommodate their H's financial requests - don't do that. It never works anyway. He has an obligation to his family that takes precedent over his desire to date or live in a bachelor pad.
Take advantage of this time to make changes for YOU. (For one, it's unfortunately the best weight loss diet ever if you need to lose weight.) Do you need to change your hairstyle, take up some new hobbies, make time for friends who have been pushed out of your life by H? As caregivers we put everyone first but right now you need to put you and your kids first. Do some things for yourself.
Squirrel away what money you can from what he gives you - or at least fill the pantry with nonperishables like canned food until you get that support order.
You mention an autistic daughter - is she severe or milder, like Asperger's? Is working outside the home an option or just impossible with her care? If at all possible you need to start thinking of or working towards a career (unless your husband is a super-high earner who can support two households with ease). Even if he comes back you should never put your financial future in his hands again.
Also - don't put fun on hold. You and your kids need to go out and enjoy life because this might take a LONG time. Don't put your own life on hold while waiting for him to get straight. Odd as it sounds this is a unique opportunity to work on YOU and get closer to the life YOU desire. Take up something new that is ap lace you can focus your energies that has nothing to do with the relationship (I learned to play the drums in a punk band at age 53 when my ex left).
Hi , thanks so much for your response. I don't think he was cheating the whole time. He always told me I was an amazing mom, texted me "good morning sweetie" every morning. Now since I caught him on the site (not Ashley Madison, he already did that a year before his one night stand) he immediately attacked my whole character, I don't keep the house clean enough, I complain too much (I have PTSD, anxiety and depression and get overwhelmed easily) I suck at finances, I don't want sex with him because I'm disgusted by him for what he did (which is not true) you name it I'm wrong and I ruined his life. He says he hasn't loved me in 2 years. I don't think I believe that. He says if he doesn't get away from me he'd be dead within a week. 5 days later after i told him to get out he tried to kill himself. He is giving me money to pay for all of our bills every week and I'm saving. He's working 2 jobs and looks awful tired. Now he's trying to help with the kids out of nowhere. He swears the girl in the park is "Just a friend" Yes I know I'm prepared that she may not be. My daughter is mild, but still a lot of work. I substitute teach in her school, so I can start working part time soon. Still no legal separation, I'm so confused. I'm trying to have fun with my kids, but I'm so distraught. I don't want to file for divorce. I love him so much. Sorry this post is all over the place. That's where I am
You know he sounds like he might be a person with a sex addiction. The fact that he always told you that you were an amazing mom and texted you nice stuff doesn't preclude him being a guy with an addiction to casual sex with strangers. Like other addicts they are amazing at hiding stuff.
It wouldn't be unusual for a guy dealing with his own mortality after his father's death to fall prey to a female work friend or other woman in his orbit who flirts with him for a one night stand. BUT - going on sites like Ashley Madison is not an accidental "I just fell into it" midlife crisis affair. That's a deliberate seeking out of casual sex outside of marriage and usually occurs either with people who are sex addicts (which fits with your H's remorse and suicide attempt) or sociopaths (who think so long as nobody finds out they can just do whatever they like and it's ok).
He's trying to put all the blame on you because it makes him feel less bad about what he did and he's rehearsing the excuses he will give to other people. (I figure I must have been a pretty good wife because my ex's complaints were things like "I walk too heavy" and worse yet, I "taught our daughter to walk too heavy" LOL. )
And one thing about cheating - if they don't do the deep inner work needed, it's always out there in their mind as an option again in the future. I made that mistake with my exH. He slept with an ex-girlfriend the night before our wedding (I didn't find out until later). I forgave him and made a life with him. When I was 9 months pregnant with our second child I found out he was planning to meet up with her on a business trip. When the same child was 12 he had an affair with a coworker - I DB'd the heck out of our marriage and we reconciled. We actually had several good years after that until he turned 50 and vanished in a cloud of MLC smoke.
BUT - in retrospect - there are several incidences where I think he might have been unfaithful and I just didn't pick up on it. The friend who accused my H of flirting with his wife (I didn't believe it at the time - now I do think something went on.) The story he told me about being on a business trip and some woman coming to his door and asking to use his phone to find what room her real john was in (thought it was a funny story at the time - now I suspect it was his way of trying to secretly tell me about sleeping with a hooker on a business trip). The time he went over to "play music" with a female acquaintance and another guy (the other guy didn't show up and he was "off" for a while after. I suspect he made some kind of play for her and was turned down.) The time I came with him at the last minute to a surf contest and the young Asian woman who seemed a little put out that I was there. Just a lot of little things that seemed innocent at the time but in retrospect add up to a lot of suspicious stuff.
And - just so you know - I felt I was doing the right thing for my family by reconciling, but after we divorced my kids told me they were always waiting for the other shoe to drop during those years between our reconciliation and his final departure. Sometimes what we think is protecting the kids doesn't have the intended effect.
Btw SLAA is the sex and love addiction twelve step program (I know a little about it because my good friend goes to the meetings).
Everytime he does something like that, he says he just wants to feel special. That I'm too bust with the kids and don't care about him. That's obviously not true. I was also sexually abused when I was little (which he knows) so initiating is hard for me. Overall he's a decent guy, or I thought he was. I didn't deserve to be trashed the way I was when I caught HIM doing something wrong. I was totally in shock. The more I tried to beg, the nastier he got. He has never treated me that badly before. Even when I caught him in his one night stand he was remorseful and sorry. It wasn't perfect and I still have trouble with it, but I don't think I deserve this after 20 years and 3 kids. He barely talks to his kids either. It's like we're all disposable while he saves up for a "better life" I don't know if this is MLC or not, but the whole, I gotta do me, blaming me for everything when he screwed up sure seems like it. Then when we had a minor argument the other day, I apologized and said I was minorly overwhelmed (an understatement) and he texted later on that he had thought about what I said and would come over sometimes to watch the kids so I could get out. He was exhausted and the kids said he barely spoke to them When I got back he said he was trying to be nice and gave me a big hug. I'm so extremely confused.
I don't know if this is MLC or not, but the whole, I gotta do me, blaming me for everything when he screwed up sure seems like it.
MLC OR the behavior of an addict, trying to deflect attention.
I'm just saying, I've seen a lot of standard MLC affairs on here but most do NOT resort to Ashley Madison and the like. That's likely a bit of a different animal, and from your description, sex addiction is high on my list. What's his history with porn been like?
He has always been into porn and it bothered me in the beginning. Then it was just like "oh well, he's s guy" Whenever I catch him on a site, he just says he wanted attention and he wasn't going to do anything about it. The one night stand I feel was more of an "escape" from the pain of the death of his father. he got stinking drunk. Not an excuse, but sadly how he coped. This time around I was blindsided. I really, truly believed he loved me, but he said he pitied me and stayed for the kids. I really didn't feel that. Apparently I was very stupid. I thought I knew him. I still love him with all my heart, but I am starting to believe he doesn't love me even though he's slipped up a couple of times and started to say he does. That's the worst. I am stuck in a nightmare and don't know what to do. I'm trying to take care of me and my kids and be non pushy and all that stuff, but this is hell. I don't know how much longer I can take this. He hasn't talked divorce since I stopped talking about the R, but I feel like I'm waiting for a shoe to drop.
I don't think he's doing drugs. He also gets randomly tested as he drives hazardous materials on a tractor trailer. I was pretty disgusted when I brought his kids to a family party at his Mom's where he's living that he sucked down a 12 pack of beer. That's entirely unlike him. Didn't even pay attention to his kids. He has always been a good dad. Other than supporting us financially and maybe talking to them once a week, he's absent now. My family wants me to file. They think I'm stupid to hold on. Maybe I am.
