I figured detachment isn’t like flipping a switch. What I meant by tomorrow I start detachment is that I’m going to start working on doing that. It’s going to be hard as hell. Which is why i’m Asking for any pointers you guys have.
Yes two pointers. GAL your heart out. Force yourself. Keep doing it. Do it until you actually start enjoying it again. The other pointer is be patient. GAL + time = detachment.
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I haven’t had a relationship or marriage talk with her since last Friday.
Since last Friday, so 4 days. Well, that's minuscule but you've got to start somewhere! Strive to do it for 4 weeks, then 4 months. If she initiates an R talk then listen and validate. Don't participate.
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Well the only thing I can’t do is leave the house right now. Lawyer specifically told me if we go to divorce I have to be in the house for the best out comes for custody and separation of assets. Those were the final words before I left the meeting. Do not leave the house and be super dad for the kids.
Yes, absolutely! We also advice not to leave the house, not just for legal reasons but also because it's the castle and the LBS should not allow himself to be forced out of the castle or off the throne (sleeping in master bedroom). Sorry if I wasn't clear on that, my point wasn't that the LBS should push for separation. What I meant is that if your W decides to leave or starts talking about S, that is not necessarily a bad thing.
I’m pretty happy with the 4 days for the moment. The hardest thing so far is that she tries to make small talk with me when the kids aren’t around. Like she started to talk to me about how warm the weather is right now. I wasn’t mean and replied yeah it’s pretty hot today and went about the work I was doing. I’m working on kitchen renovation stuff right now. Is that something I should ignore and keep it strictly kids/finances?
I’m in the house. I can afford the house without her. I’m planning to keep the house since she doesn’t want it or so she says. I’m also in the master bedroom.
M:39 W:36 D: 4 D: 2 BD:8/22/2019 Currently dealing with a WW
So I haven’t said anything to her at all tonight since I got back from my parents. . She smiled at me. I didn’t really gesture back just kind of continued with what I was doing. Let’s see if I can keep this up. Gotta start somewhere.
M:39 W:36 D: 4 D: 2 BD:8/22/2019 Currently dealing with a WW
Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times.
Originally Posted by "MJ1980"
She smiled at me. I didn’t really gesture back
Not smiling sounds more cold/upset than cheerful/detached.
Originally Posted by "MJ1980"
Like she started to talk to me about how warm the weather is right now. I wasn’t mean and replied yeah it’s pretty hot today and went about the work I was doing.
If the stranger kicked you square in the family jewels would you even think of giving her an awkward, stiff hug? Compete and utter disrespect for him shouldn't be rewarded.
Treating her worse than a stranger sounds like a form of attachment.
Originally Posted by "Wanted1"
His W is cake eating. Wanting all the advantages that come with being married (being comforted, etc.) all the while doing as she pleases.
I guess what's cake eating for each of us depends, then, on what we'd do for a stranger vs. a partner? For a stranger I would return a smile, and if they had a tough day and requested one offer an awkward pat-pat-pat hug. For a partner I'd offer a back rub, make a dinner she enjoys, and take over one of her chores.
Again, I don't have experience with cheating, so please take all this with a grain of salt.
Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times.
Originally Posted by "MJ1980"
She smiled at me. I didn’t really gesture back
Not smiling sounds more cold/upset than cheerful/detached.
Originally Posted by "MJ1980"
Like she started to talk to me about how warm the weather is right now. I wasn’t mean and replied yeah it’s pretty hot today and went about the work I was doing.
This sounds detached.
Ok thanks for the pointer little bit of a learning curve. This is new territory for me. I did end up talking to her a little for finding a book for the kids and figuring out kids bed time.
M:39 W:36 D: 4 D: 2 BD:8/22/2019 Currently dealing with a WW
Well that was quick. So I started yesterday really working on disconnecting. I did some things well some things that I need to work on with it. So this morning I put on cologne when I left for work went and gave my wife the kid update and she touched my my hand while I did so. Then about 5 minutes ago I got a I’m thinking of you text. I have not responded. She is testing to see where her control is.
Repeatedly remind me don’t give in.
M:39 W:36 D: 4 D: 2 BD:8/22/2019 Currently dealing with a WW
It's probably not that, when a LBS can effectively DB and remove all pressure then the WAS feels like they don't need to be cold/ rude/ indifferent and often they will warm up a bit. It doesn't mean anything has changed in her mind though.
