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Wanted1 #2866955 10/01/19 03:17 PM
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MJ1980 Offline OP
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She is not, she moved to the other room. The kids have been sleeping with me. She has turned a little cold shoulder to them.


M:39
W:36
D: 4
D: 2
BD:8/22/2019
Currently dealing with a WW
MJ1980 #2866957 10/01/19 03:58 PM
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Hi MJ,

It's challenging to detach when living together without seeming cold.

I believe one pillar of detachment is to GAL. While my partner (reconciled) was over this weekend I took time out with my son to read a bedtime story, go out gardening together, and go off on a coffee date to discuss states and capitals. I still struggle with my solo GAL. Our lives should not 100% revolve around our partners.. even if you're on good terms.. but especially if they're behaving badly! Time alone allows us to be more the people they fell in love with and to come back together with interesting stories to share.

Have you read the "Sandi's Rules" thread?

Originally Posted by "Sandi's Rules"

15. When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.

Traveler #2866959 10/01/19 04:12 PM
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MJ1980 Offline OP
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I have read sandi’s rules. I usually read them twice a day. They are so great. Everything she has shared has been so helpful and enlightening. I figured detaching under the same roof wasn’t going to be easy. She has a tough day today and I’m sure she is going to come looking for a hug and support. That is going to be rough. I don’t want to come off as cold.


M:39
W:36
D: 4
D: 2
BD:8/22/2019
Currently dealing with a WW
MJ1980 #2866962 10/01/19 04:28 PM
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Originally Posted by "MJ1980"
She has a tough day today and I’m sure she is going to come looking for a hug and support. That is going to be rough. I don’t want to come off as cold.

Wow, that's a tricky situation! I've dealt with awkward close limbo but not with cheating.

Some bits would seem obvious. For example, if she talks, you listen and validate at least for a couple minutes--no advice ("you could.."), reassurances ("it'll be okay"), minimizations ("at least"), or invalidation ("try to calm down"). For example, since she fired you as husband and is lying/cheating, you shouldn't be pro-actively trying to comfort her or making grand gestures such as dinner out, cooking a special meal, bear hugging her, rubbing her feet, etc. In-between? Maybe imagine how you'd treat a co-worker you weren't close to who had a tough day? That cuts a balance between being a happy, savvy individual and being a doormat.

I defer to forum members who have experience with cheating.

Last edited by CWarrior; 10/01/19 04:32 PM.
MJ1980 #2866965 10/01/19 04:37 PM
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The last thing you should be doing is consoling her with anything, let alone a hug! If she comes looking for it, turn it down. She might think that's cold but what the hell...she's actively cheating on you right now. Set a boundary. This is a boundary you can enforce.

Last edited by Wanted1; 10/01/19 04:37 PM.

M: 34 W:34
D:7 D:6 S:3

M: 9.5 years T: 12

OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18
IHS begins
W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18
W files: 12/21/18
D Final: 2/25/19
Wanted1 #2866966 10/01/19 05:00 PM
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Originally Posted by Wanted1
The last thing you should be doing is consoling her with anything, let alone a hug! If she comes looking for it, turn it down. She might think that's cold but what the hell...she's actively cheating on you right now. Set a boundary. This is a boundary you can enforce.



I agree with this completely. I know its going to be hard. But her behavior and treatment of me these past few weeks has been awful. When she opted out of our family and marriage she basically gave up any of the other things like consoling or anything that a marriage le couple would normally do to comfort and care with each other.

I know she is going to ask why I won’t hug. I want to respond with you opted out of our marriage and are actively in another relationship that’s why.

Last edited by MJ1980; 10/01/19 05:02 PM.

M:39
W:36
D: 4
D: 2
BD:8/22/2019
Currently dealing with a WW
MJ1980 #2866968 10/01/19 05:03 PM
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Originally Posted by "Wanted1"
If she comes looking for it, turn it down... she's actively cheating on you

Would refusing a hug be "passive anger" or "detachment" for you? I'm just curious what stance you're advocating. I recently hugged a semi-stranger who leapt into my arms. Her car had tumbled on a hill and she looked sad. It was more an awkward stiffly standing there hug with a short pat-pat-pat on the back, not a friend's hug, not a family member's bear hug, nor a lover's embrace.

Last edited by CWarrior; 10/01/19 05:05 PM.
MJ1980 #2866971 10/01/19 05:32 PM
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Originally Posted by MJ1980
I’m saying she has never talked to me like that. It surprised me that early on she sounded frustrated. I know she is disrespecting me on a grand level. But I can’t even get her to admit to me she is having a affair. She just lies and says she isn’t with anyone. I know it’s a complete lie and that she is trying to save face. All she is doing is more damage to our relationship with it.


MK, if you know she's having an A then why do you need her to admit it so bad? Here's the thing with most WAS's- they think the M is over at BD and that A) they are free to do as they please and B) it is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. In her eyes it's not even an affair, it's her moving on. She's done with you and with someone else, a lot of WAS's become so attached to the OP that to them, having sex with their own spouse is the affair! So just let it go, that's part of detachment.

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Tomorrow I start detachment.


That gave me a chuckle! Oh man, if only detachment were so easy. It ain't flipping a switch!

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The not responding to texts will be easier for me. It’s once I’m home that will be tough.


I really feel that true detachment is not even possible when you're under the same roof. The only example I can think of is TXHubby, but it took him a long period of miserable suffering before he finally got fed up and detached. Most LBS's do everything they can to avoid separation, but detachment doesn't really start until physical separation happens.

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My wife still comes up to me and wants to have conversations like things are normal. I have to figure out how to address that. We have 2 kids so I know kid talk is a must. But like for example tonight she asked how bed time went since she wasn’t home. It didn’t go well and I told her about it. She kind of drew the conversation out and was comparing it to last night.


Nothing wrong with coparenting conversations. I've been divorced for years and two of my kids are grown, but XW and I still have plenty of such convos. Michele says in DR that when you have kids together there's no such thing as divorce, her point being that you are forever linked together in some way and will always have some level of interaction.

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I guess i could use pointers on how to go about doing detachment. One of my wife’s complaints about me was that I neglected her to much. Basically put work and hobbies before especially early in our marriage. So I want to go about this the right way so it is effective.


A lot of LBS's share that concern, if they were accused of being distant in the M then they are afraid detachment will make things worse. But the thing is, your W doesn't want you to "fix things". She sees it all as "too little too late". So before BD, she wanted more care and attention from you and was starving for it. But now? No, she doesn't want that at all. So don't concern yourself with that.

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I need to detach for me. I need to be healthy and get my respect and dignity back.


Exactly right. So let her go. Leave her be. Focus on you and the kids. Get out. GAL. No R talks, no M talk, no pressure, no pursuit. Take a long-term view, if and when she wants to return to the M it's probably 12+ months down the road. So relax and settle in!


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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I done trying to get her to admit the affair. She has no intention of doing so as of right now. I guess in my previous posts I made it sound like a bigger deal to me then it was.

I figured detachment isn’t like flipping a switch. What I meant by tomorrow I start detachment is that I’m going to start working on doing that. It’s going to be hard as hell. Which is why i’m Asking for any pointers you guys have.

I’m plenty aware of the fact we are always connected because of the kids. I even told so back when she first told me she wanted to divorce.

I haven’t had a relationship or marriage talk with her since last Friday. Since then it has been just about house and kids stuff. She has also asked how my day was a few times this week.

Well the only thing I can’t do is leave the house right now. Lawyer specifically told me if we go to divorce I have to be in the house for the best out comes for custody and separation of assets. Those were the final words before I left the meeting. Do not leave the house and be super dad for the kids. My lawyer is awesome. She has some of the best out comes for husband/father in the area.


M:39
W:36
D: 4
D: 2
BD:8/22/2019
Currently dealing with a WW
Traveler #2866982 10/01/19 06:21 PM
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Originally Posted by CWarrior
Originally Posted by "Wanted1"
If she comes looking for it, turn it down... she's actively cheating on you

Would refusing a hug be "passive anger" or "detachment" for you? I'm just curious what stance you're advocating. I recently hugged a semi-stranger who leapt into my arms. Her car had tumbled on a hill and she looked sad. It was more an awkward stiffly standing there hug with a short pat-pat-pat on the back, not a friend's hug, not a family member's bear hug, nor a lover's embrace.


Refusing it is simply setting a boundary. If the stranger kicked you square in the family jewels would you even think of giving her an awkward, stiff hug? No. That's essentially what MJ's W is doing to him. His W is cake eating. Wanting all the advantages that come with being married (being comforted, etc.) all the while doing as she pleases. Compete and utter disrespect for him shouldn't be rewarded.


M: 34 W:34
D:7 D:6 S:3

M: 9.5 years T: 12

OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18
IHS begins
W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18
W files: 12/21/18
D Final: 2/25/19
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