First, when he is attempting to reconnect, do not discuss therapy! Of course, he is not receptive to therapy at this time. He is nowhere near ready to hear that. He is still "out there" and will be bouncing back and forth for quite a while. Try to remember what I told you...this is the hardest part of the journey and you need to be patient and just treat him as a friend. Listen, do not offer advice and/or suggest therapy, coming home or anything else. He is still trying to figure things out.
If I were you, and I am not in your shoes, I would meet with him. Listen to what he has to say and make every effort to bite your tongue and not respond with a knee jerk reaction. When he is finished speaking, repeat back to him what you have heard and see if that is really what he said or did he mean something else. Then advise him that you will think about the conversation and will get back to him.
BTW, if he has some things of yours, make a list and ask him if he would return them to you. If he says no, let it go for now. Many of these crisis people take things that make no sense or things that belong to the spouse. It's not that they are playing games, but it's their way of staying connected once they have boarded the Mother Ship. We had one husband that took the steps to the shed and wouldn't return them to his wife until after he woke up and came back home. Another husband took the son's little desk chair and I do not think the wife got it back because they divorced. He couldn't sit in the chair because it was for a 5 year old. They just take whatever the notion hits them at the time. It's not a game...it's called holding on a thread of sanity to them. To us, they act crazy.
Again, deep deeper for patience. This is not the first time that I have seen a spouse respond the way that your h did.
I hate to say this, but your h, if he is truly reconnecting, will not be ready for any type of therapy for 18-24 months. The more you try to fix him, the longer it is going to take for him to want to come home. Just leave him be.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
My h reconnected with a one of my family member. That person said my h told her he had. I clue why I left him? There isn’t an OW. He thinks I need help.
Is this normal?
Could it be he blocked out what happened? Do they do this? Is this the bridge when they are beginning to wake up, piece by piece?
Did not see your post before I asked the above question.
Ok, got it. Patience it is. Thank you.
THEN I’LL go to therapy as he triggers me.
When I left he acted like I left him as oppose to him telling me to leave them telling my relative he doesn’t know why I left. Sorry to ask again, is this normal?
I appreciate your help Job. I will meet him. I have to prepare myself for this. I have PTSD from what I believe now was him exiting withdrawal. It was merciless. I am now getting up.
Yes, it is quite normal for them to reconnect with family members. Yes, they haven't a clue in most instances as to what they have done. Their attention span and memory are that of a gnat. You have to remember that when they are in crisis, their brains become mush because of the depression. Depression really does a number on them.
If you go back and re-read the first posting on this thread, you will see that they do reconnect with family, pets, friends, etc. prior to reconnecting with us. They will reconnect in the exact opposite order of when they left all of the relationships.
People need to let him just talk and work through what is going through his mind. They may remember some, but not all of what they said or did during the crisis. Again, depression is the main ingredient. It might be helpful to do some investigative work on depression. Here is the thread that I created many years ago about MLC and depression:
Good luck with the meeting. Try to remember to breathe and you are meeting up with a long lost friend or ex-business partner. If you don't agree with something he says, you can either correct him or just change the subject. Do not argue with him. Why? Because he sees the world differently than you do and only you know if the event is live or memorex.
Good luck!
Last edited by job; 07/12/2307:34 PM. Reason: corrected the spelling of a word
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
The article on depression IS AN EYE OPENER! I APPRECIATE YOU AND THE INFORMATION! I printed it! Keeper!
As you mentioned. He is giving me certain belongings of mine and have left off one huge item of mine in our communication which is a non negotiable for me.
Not sure if he thinks, like a child , if he doesn’t mention it, I will not notice or remember my HUGE MISSING ELEPHANT belonging. Who knows. Lol.
TWO QUESTIONS:
1: Someone said it is best to not user their names when writing them, how accurate is this?
2: When they move in with the persons that caused their trauma, does this work for or against them moving through or not in their journey.
I appreciate your help Job. You have quieted my soul. I see this as part of his journey and possibilities of us in the future as I let him go to deal with his stuff. Whether we reconnect and or reconcile is for the future to unfold.
FOR THE FIRST TIME! Not an attack of me. His story.
FOR THE FIRST TIME IN ALMOST 4 years my h used the word “ ‘we can meet and go together…”
A tiny, tiny, tiny, thing, however I watched him methodically separated from me and that word he intentionally avoided and when I used it at the onset of his journey he was spit fire to push that away and separate to singular pronouns.
As well, I did not fall apart in a ball of anxiety when i read his text nor stop my life and fall into a depression. I cried bit. I did not fall apart. HUGE DIFFERENCE! Thank you. THANK YOU! THANK YOU SO MUCH!
Concerning your two questions. I don't understand the first one.
Question 1: When writing to them, address them by the name that you have always used. If you are referring to here...do not put any given names here. It is best to just call him your "h".
Question 2: They are reliving their pasts, therefore, many of them will either move back home or in the area where they grew up. They must revisit the past in order to move forward. Eventually, he may very well get tired of the questions and suggestions by his parents and siblings and opt to move out. Like some young people, they move out, spread their wings and then discover it's nicer to live at home. Remember, you are dealing with an adolescent right now...not a grown man. He has to grow up and the only way to do that is to go back in time. This crisis stuff reminds me a lot of the movie Benjamin Buttons many years ago and by the end of the movie, he was an infant again. Hopefully, your h will realize that he needs to grow up and face the fact that he cannot change what happened in the past.
Glad the threads have helped you. Hang in there.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You are correct, he has and I have watched him over the years en gross himself in his siblings and SM his trauma. He has actually asked me in the past to find a way for all his siblings to some how move into one place. My reaction was 👀🤦🏽♀️. It is all about that. Last I suspected he was living with a fam member for most of the 3 years.
It is ALL about the family only.
In the process of getting my stuff back. It is like talking to a 12 year old. He told me to send my address to bring my stuff. He doesn’t know where I live. Freaked me out. He has reconnected with a family member of mine.
Was not in town when he peeked out.
I told him clearly when and he jumped the gun. He keeps pushing the convo when I told him when I can.
I am projecting positivity in this process.
Reading these threads calms me and gives me peace and clarity when I go off the ranch. I spent the day crying, no particular reason. This whole journey. I am angry, hurt, lonely and confused, at time. I want to throat punch him at times and hug him. I get he is in a bad place. I miss our life.
Kind of tuned a lot of people out as I desired a calm head. My head is getting there.
This [censored]!
Thank you so much Job. Thank you. I will let you know how it went in a few weeks.
You will see the child come out to play often. If he doesn't know where you live, may I suggest that you go to another town and get a mail box so that he can send your things to you. Or...since he has reconnected with a family member of yours, he can send your belongings there. If I were in your shoes, I certainly wouldn't give him my address until I was absolutely sure he was "sane" again.
Oh, I can understand just how you feel about your situation. You have much better thoughts about wanting to throat punch him. I wanted to run over my nutty buddy and then back up and run him over again and again. They really do push us to the limit....but I can assure you, you are stronger than you think. That is why I always state "get a pillow and beat the living heck out of it". Find something physical that will help alleviate all of that stress.
I hope that my suggestions will help you decide about where to pick up your belongings. Just remember to breathe!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I tried that earlier in the year and he refused a third party. I made arrangements and asked for my stuff back this week and he said he sold some and threw the rest away because I didn’t come last month, how he chose. I don’t think and can’t phantom he did as that would be a crime.
I am exhausted emotionally and physically. I don’t know how to respond to not engage the tyrannical kid at play, as you said.
I woke up crying. I know he is in a bad place. I can not help him, I don’t think. Yet, I need to be away from him as he is using me as buffer and relief from his pain. I also belief that he knows once I get my things there will be no ties to me. This is his way of protecting himself.
This is a lot.
Maybe you or someone can provide some insight or positive help.
