I've been struggling the past few days trying to find acceptance in my situation.
Don't be too hard on yourself. This is a tough situation and finding acceptance is not easy. The mistake I feel you are making is focusing on acceptance in the first place. You should be focusing on taking care of yourself, GAL and detachment. If you focus on acceptance, it will only make it harder
Originally Posted by Thornton
W has recently started warming back up to me, nothing significant but she's starting to act like a respectable human being again and acknowledging my existence. I guess it doesn't even matter, I've been through this with her 4x times now and it always plays out the same way.
Her actions should impact you like water off a duck's back. You are trying too hard and misinterpreting her 'touch n go' actions. You are correct in saying "I guess it doesn't even matter" but not because you have been through this with her 4x times but because it should not matter if you want to DB right.
Note that you should be DB for your sake and not for the sake of winning her back. DB is as much about your healing as R. In fact, I would say DB is about your healing and if R happens, it is a bonus.
Originally Posted by Thornton
In the past, I would pin my hopes on recon and distract myself with DBing 24x7.
If you were 'pinning your hopes on recon', then you were not DBing correctly. You DB for your own sake not R.
Originally Posted by Thornton
Something else that bugs me is that W has a big support network of friends. She's much more extroverted than I am so it feels like she has this big team of cheerleaders and I have a few close friends to lean on.
Why are you comparing your situation to hers? How does it matter if she has a larger network of friends, if she is happy or if she is miserable? You need to focus on yourself and only yourself. Start GAL and learn not be co-dependent. This is part of the growth you need to get through DB. If not, even if you recon I won't be surprised if you are back after BD #5.
She texted me from another room and asked if I was going to give her $2,900 to “repay her for groceries” and the $200 a month she gave me for rent and also a bed for D12.
I said I would be happy to buy D12 a new bed but I was not going to re-pay her for buying groceries the last year. She then said to me “this just solidifies who you are”. I said sorry you feel that way and walked out of the room.
Now she’s stomping around the house like a crazy woman.
Wtf happened to my W? She thinks I should pay her for moving back here when we reconciled? Huh????
Oh and she blamed me that has no furniture because she sold it all when she moved back to be with me. So now she has no money, no bed, she cashed out her 401k to get her new place and it’s all my fault.
Ya know, honestly I would have to say she is manipulative.
When I told her I wasn’t going to give her $2,900 and pay her back for living expenses (which is absurd!), she immediately said “see? This proves who you are”. It felt like she was insinuating that perhaps if I gave her the money, that might leave a door open down the road for reconciliation.
When she first asked me for the money and i said I needed to think about it, she was happy as a clam.
Keep walking the high road Thornton. Isn't it shameful and embarrassing how they do this type of absurd thing.
My XW tried it all with me too. She even tried to say the annual losses we incurred with our investment property should be added back and treated as an advance and therefore a deduction to me in the money I got from our property settlement.
I refused to lower myself to nickel and diming her though. I let it all wash and acted as if it was nothing, as I'll earn it all back, and when I'm on my death bed, I'll be proud of how I conducted myself with the mother of my son and step kids. Hugely contrary to DB principles, though I've tapered it off to a trickle now, but that's the way I am.
The 'solidifies...' comment she made is typical in its style, and I remember reading here in one of the stickies some good responses to that type of comment, just cant remember where exactly sorry.
Me: early 40's XW: nearly 50 T: 15 M: 5 BD: Jan 19 S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
It's crazy how entitled W has become. The revisionist history is absolutely absurd and so over the top. It's clear that she is trying to bait me into a fight but I will not react.
W is moving out Sunday so I guess I won't have to deal with her much anymore. It's bittersweet because I miss my old W and how caring and fun she could be, but who she has become is not someone I would like to be with.
And I'm amazed at how quickly this has all happened.
You are showing so much strength. Just keep going. She WILL wake up one day and feel loss. But like you said it might be too little, too late from your standpoint. That is why you are doing all this work to be prepared for when that day comes.
