Hey Stevie, just keep doing DB. You are a king there. You don´t wait for her. DB! IMHO this is only a wave down. Waves up coming. After going up, you both need to do some conscious evaluation, some IC, whatever.
Keep your light shining.
Hope.
neffer, my man! Thank you as always. I love how you can interject so much wisdom and insight into short posts. You rock, thanks for the support.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I thinks it’s only fair that we speak frankly and honestly to you. I’m pretty sure you had previously mentioned if this happened again you would be done. Not only are you not done you didn’t even take time to think about it. You mentioned above that you won’t tolerate this behavior and are willing to take action. What are these actions? You said she’ll do whatever it takes to fix it yet yesterday she wouldn’t even say hi to you.
I don’t consider that a relationship talk. She has to be accountable for her actions.
She either has a serious addiction or she doesn’t value your marriage. Either one has to be seriously addressed.
I’m not saying necessarily to throw in the towel but I just don’t see how you can ever trust her again.
Sounds like she is saying the right things however as you know it will be about her actions. Just remember had you not snooped she would still be engaging and the desire just doesn’t go away overnight. Hopefully she can get into ic and both of you in Mc to work through the issues.
I have to deal constantly with men giving my woman attention. Steve will have to as well. We all do.
Where is the line for tolerance? Where is the line for action? Where is the line for consequences? Where is the line for ending the relationship?
The lines are different for all of us. The lines help protect us. They are our boundaries.
His wife has a need to sing. Steve should go enjoy her singing. His wife also has a need for attention. It is his job as the husband to meet this need, otherwise some other guy will.
As far as the deception, Steve needs to address this in MC. I would make MC as part of the consequences.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I thinks it’s only fair that we speak frankly and honestly to you. I’m pretty sure you had previously mentioned if this happened again you would be done. Not only are you not done you didn’t even take time to think about it. You mentioned above that you won’t tolerate this behavior and are willing to take action. What are these actions? You said she’ll do whatever it takes to fix it yet yesterday she wouldn’t even say hi to you.
I don’t consider that a relationship talk. She has to be accountable for her actions.
She either has a serious addiction or she doesn’t value your marriage. Either one has to be seriously addressed.
I’m not saying necessarily to throw in the towel but I just don’t see how you can ever trust her again.
LH, I am not sure what you are reading into me last few posts........but no decision has been made.
I have documented many times that she took it upon herself to offer full transparency. Didn't tell me she was going to do it, she just sent me all of her passwords to all of her accounts and devices. She made it clear that she wants to remain together, I didn't say what my decision is because frankly I haven't made it yet. I have been staunch here that in order for me to be all back in that she has to get into IC. So far what she has done (transparency, cutting back screen time to almost nothing, etc), is a good sign.
LH I am going to continue to give this time. I agree with you, I am having a hard time seeing how I can ever trust her again. And that might mean that I do throw in the towel.
The timeline of this is that she recommitted to the marriage back in March 2018, after several months of waywardness. Her actions were consistent through all that time. In the meantime I was engaging in trust but verify. Every few months I would check up on her. There was never anything out of the ordinary. Her actions were consistent, there was nothing suspicious about them, and her online activity was in line with that.
In the last few weeks some redflags came up. She started staying up later (always a sign she has shown). When I would suggest she come to bed she would get annoyed. (Another sign she has had in the past.) Then her PC was logged out. Huge red flag. That was when I decided to snoop on her tablet, and found the suspicious emails.
She claims that it started with this guy 3 weeks ago. I believe it mainly based on their head-to-head record statistics I found on the game on her tablet. If she is lying it is by a few weeks at most. So let's just be liberal and say it was the middle of July (this makes sense for a reason I will give in a moment). That means from early March 2018-mid-July 2019 she has been committed and her actions consistent.
The reason the timing makes sense is because mid-July is about the time her parents left to go back to Florida after 7 weeks visiting. She has some unresolved issue with her parents and I think the stress of them being here may have triggered some of it. Including that her step-father, who was here with her mom (they stay in their motorhome on our property) propositioned her when she was 19.
I do think she needs IC. And that will be a stipulation. If you are sensing hesitation in ending my marriage, you are right. I was thinking about it yesterday at the amusement park. Divorce feels so final. It feel so definite. I know logically that isn't true, but that is the way it feels.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Sounds like she is saying the right things however as you know it will be about her actions. Just remember had you not snooped she would still be engaging and the desire just doesn’t go away overnight. Hopefully she can get into ic and both of you in Mc to work through the issues.
Prayers to you Steve and your family.
Thanks TB!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve thank you for clarifying for some reason I felt like you were sweeping it under the rug. I sense Maika got that feeling too. Take your time and I agree IC is a must.
