There are obviously many nuances and we don't get to see what you see. I am glad to see a more strong and pragmatic approach on your part.
One of the things that I saw when you came on the board is that your W never really got to the end of the line of her fantasy and being a WW. Both times previously it was short circuited and there is potential for things to change when that happens. But as others have pointed out, you have done all the work since you got here and she barely has. I feel that she's gotta either go to the end of the line with her fantasy and see what's there, or get into IC and address her WW tendencies. There is a lack of depth in her life for herself and I fear that it may have to do with self-love, self-acceptance, and understanding her place as a woman in this world, not just a mother.
I did have a radical suggestion of what you should do, but I fear that it isn't something I would even be able to do despite our differences when it comes to religion and its place in your life.
Ultimately it comes down to her doing the work for herself and you keeping your boundaries.
All I know is that our lives are paradoxically short and long, as we have to hold both contradictory perspectives to have a meaningful fulfilling life, and I know that I wouldn't want to spend those times with someone who wasn't going to be present with me. As Blu mentioned, I believe you are looking for fulfillment. I hope you can figure out how to find it. DB is great in terms of tactics and strategies, but we have to take a macro perspective on what kinds of relationships we want and what's worth investing in.
We humans have a tendency to double down on sunk costs and a long R is a sunk cost, which makes it difficult to walk away. It is good to hear that you are maneuvering past that and showing some readiness to walk away if it comes down to it.
Maika, I'm always open to listen to other perspectives. Ultimately I want to be happy. Obviously I will not compromise on my principles, but I'm more than happy to always listen. So what is this suggestion?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
No worries Steve. Just after reading maikas post, I’m wondering if there’s unresolved childhood traumas that subconsciously drive her behaviour? If there’s one thing I learned since my bd is unresolved childhood trauma is sometimes the key. What’s the childhood story behind her. I self searched and reckon 90% of my behaviour is learned from childhood. I had no idea whatsoever before I found out and looked. Look to her childhood. Talk to her about this if this is possible. Read up about subconscious and preconscious behaviour. If she can’t control it it’s because she doesnt know the source. It’s worth a shot if you haven’t looked at this angle. Good luck
Oh yes. Lots of childhood trauma here. An emotionally and physically (and sexually) abusive father to her mother, her father was emotionally abusive to get through college. Her step father propositioned her for sex when she was 19 and home from college for the summer, and then get mother wanted to sweep it under the rug and not deal with it. Some other smaller ones but those are the big ones.
She did get into IC when we were in our first couple of years of marriage. The IC was terrible, and she got very little out of it. It left a bad taste in both our mouths related to Cing. She transitioned into a support group for women and she got a lot more out of that! But then she got pregnant and that died out. Maika nailed it that since then she had been a mom, that's been her identity.
This is why I'm going to insist on IC. My only ask was a promarriage, Christian-based IC. The one 19 years ago was secular.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
FWIW, I think you've handled this well. Her struggle is real and she seems (based on what you've said) to be trying to be better.
The fact that you are willing to walk away shows strength in yourself and what you deserve.
Marriage is hard. People can be confusing. Nothing is black and white in my mind.
Wishing you the best of luck.
jac, that's been my biggest learning..... Nothing is black and white. So true. I used to see everything so clear cut. I used to advocate for even such an approach in our Justice system. If you commit X then Y is the punishment. I now know that the world is so clear-cut. It's easy to say that if she does this again then I'm walking. In reality there are different things to take into account. If she would have said this time, like she did last time, "I don't want to be married anymore" then I would have said "start packing".
I think she say that difference in me this time, I really do, and her approach this time was much much different.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
