I never thought this would happen to us. D16 says she doesn't like who he's become. WAH continues to reach out to her but she doesn't respond.
The verdict is still out as to whether or not he will go through with the divorce. The terms of our divorce are simple and straightforward. He could have filed 4 months ago and hasn't.
1) saving money? Nope still paying all my bills plus his. Has already paid the attorney.
2) hoping D16 comes around? If he moves her she will just get mad again.
3) Trying to find a super cheap place to live? Unlikely because he can do that after we D. He has already moved out.
4) Hoping I'll file? I've read hundreds of these stories. Keeping a LBS in a cushy situation leaves little motivation to ever file. We have no assets so this doesn't benefit him either.
Which leaves doubts and hoping I change (and those changes stick).
He could just be lazy and dragging his feet. Keeping his options open. You'd have to meet him to know this isn't likely. Lazy isn't in his vocabulary even now. Dragging his feet isn't him either. He's got plenty of money and he's already paying me. The only thing that would change would be our marital status and my address. He's having doubts. He hasn't made up his mind yet. It isn't over yet.
Who am I kidding? He's not coming back is he? He hasn't filed because he can't figure out how to get rid of me and keep the rest of his life intact. He'd rather live in a tiny camper than with me. He hates me. He absolutely hates me.
And then I think the rest of his life intact what does that mean exactly? Money? Can't be because he's paying that now and he will pay that later. It's just child support and their health insurance. I'm taking the minimum and barring a major emergency I will be fine. Is he trying to decide is it worth paying me 28% of his income to get rid of me? Again this is the MINIMUM and I will still struggle financially. He will be fine. He has plenty of money.
Kids? Is he trying to decide if losing the kids is worth not living with me?
What if after all this he still divorces me? That makes me the most awful person ever.
I understand the feelings you are having! Going back and forth in your mind trying to figure out what he may or may not do. It’s excruciating. I’m STILL doing it and I’ve been here much longer than you have. But it doesn’t help or change anything. As you’ve read from others, the best thing you can do is focus on yourself and your kids and doing other things. Sometimes it feels impossible, and you kind of just have to fake it. And remember that none of this is a reflection on you. These are his actions.
I've done some more research and these are my theories:
WAS's and LBS go through the stages in opposite ways. LBS's start out grieving and end up happy. WAS's start out happy and end up grieving. So it's not that come back miraculously when LBS's move on it's because they are now sad. If they leave for someone else the grieving process doesn't start until the honeymoon is over.
Men process emotions slower which is part of why they come back more often. They tend to make rash decisions without thinking it through. Women however process emotions faster so by the time they leave they have thought it through probably for a lot longer than men do.
If a WAS leaves showing no emotion (indifference) that's a bad sign because it means they've recovered from the breakup while still in the marriage. If the WAS is angry that means they aren't over you....yet. Doesn't mean they will come back it just means on some level they still care. This is why when LBS's start dating the WAS gets angry. They still think of you as "theirs". They might come back at this point but unless the LBS makes them work for it the reconciliation will fail. If they won't do the work then you know all they wanted was to keep you as Plan B.
The timeline is LBS's move into recovery around 6-7 months. This is when most LBS have started to accept the situation. Recovery is from 7-12 months. During this time is when the LBS stops thinking about the WAS. Has learned to live independently and has stopped thinking about the WAS. It's around this time that the WAS comes back if they do come back. The LBS is surprised to hear from the WAS at this point so at this point they may or may not want to reconcile.
My ONE takeaway from all of this is THIS TOO SHALL PASS. Take comfort in the part where the pain is finite. It will end and it's quite predicable actually. I'm at 5 months and am light years from where I was in the beginning. I'm closer to thinking do I really want him back?? He wasn't fun. He didn't love me. Our marriage stunk. Doesn't mean these things can't be fixed it just means I'm starting to believe this wasn't all me.
What I see now logically is that our marriage was pretty bad. He was miserable. I was miserable. He drank and I overate. We spent our evenings watching a gazillion hours of stupid tv. I loved him more than he loved me and I knew this. Let me change that I was more needy than him. I've known this for a very long time. I was highly codependent and didn't know how to make myself happy. He was an avoidant so he shut down instead of telling me honestly how he felt. He doesn't like relying on anyone. I couldn't rely on myself. He resented me for putting this much responsibility on him for my happiness. I resented him for not reassuring me of his love. He wanted freedom. I wanted constant attention.
I considered divorce plenty of times. He had the guts to leave. I wouldn't leave the kids.
Here is the good news. We love each other, have great chemistry and work well together as a team.
The bad news is I've done a lot of damage that he may never recover from. May decide I'm not worth another chance.
Overall I'm doing much better than I thought I would. Yeah I'm sad at times but I've got my kids full time, a job I love, friends, a support group, my life is full. Our home is happier now than when he left. The kids and I got better.
I miss him but I know this is for the best. I would have never learned to be happy as long as I could blame him. Wouldn't have the relationships I have with my kids. I'm a much better person that I was and I am proud of the work I've done. I hope we can try again down the road but I know I'll be okay no matter what it's just going to suck for a while.
Let me be clear....being alone is the WORST!!!!! I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I lost my best friend, my rock, the person I thought I'd grow old with. Yes our marriage was bad but I don't understand why we couldn't have done a trial separation. This was fixable. Why blow up a 28 year marriage without doing everything possible to fix it first? Why put our kids through this?
Our kids still want to know when we are moving. Um I have no idea. I just say "divorce takes time" and leave it at that. None of say out loud we hope he changes his mind but I know we are all thinking it.
Here is the one thing I really...really need to remember.
HE DOES NOT WANT ME!!!!
He does not want me on our anniversary. He does not want me if I beg. He does not want me because of the kids. He does not want me because of money. He does not want me. He does not want me. He does not want me.
I need to write this a hundred times. He does not want me.
He might want me later but he does not want me TODAY.
Why blow up a 28 year marriage without doing everything possible to fix it first? Why put our kids through this? He might want me later but he does not want me TODAY.
There's a kernel of truth to walk away spouses being insane, eh? Sorry you're having a rough morning.
Originally Posted by "Kas99"
He doesn't like relying on anyone. I couldn't rely on myself.
The final fight before my ex left was over changing a car battery. I'm capable of changing a battery, but I wanted her to help by either holding the flashlight or making the change-out. It annoyed her. I want for her to depend on me, and for me to depend on her. I'll have to read up in "interdependence" vs. "codependence".
Originally Posted by "Kas99
I resented him for not reassuring me of his love. He wanted freedom. I wanted constant attention
Yes! My partner struggled as much with the pressure of constantly reassuring me as I struggled with not being reassured enough. This is typical distancer-pursuer behavior.
I'm mostly okay today. These are my musings as my moods go up and down.
Since WAH left I've unclogged a drain, sort of fixed a squeaky door, took my car in for repairs, made room for my car in the garage with stops so it perfectly aligns, and many more things I can't remember right now. I gotta say it's been a huge confidence builder to do these things on my own. I'd mow the lawn but eh he's doing it so I'll let that go. I have enough to do and once we D I won't have a yard. I am learning to be on my own. IF....big If he comes back I am NEVER going to rely on him again. NEVER EVER EVER. I will pay my own bills, I will fix my own car, I am woman hear me roar. I'd get one of those clip on light things or ask a kid to help. I will not ever ask WAH to do anything again. I know I sound bitter but I swear I'm not. I see how I fell into this trap and I won't do this again.
Yes I was the pursuer. I don't completely have that out of my system yet but it is fading fast. I'm grateful for my kids because they are teaching me about love. The more I focus on THEIR happiness the less needy I feel. Seeing them happy makes me feel secure in their love for me. Feeling secure means I have no reason to pursue. I know when they are busy with friends they still love me. This was a concept I didn't get before WAH left.
Had I spent half as much time making WAH happy as I did focusing on my own needs I wouldn't be in this mess.
