Now what?

[BarbH]

Okay guys, he's coming home today on his days off to do "chores". I have plans to be in town all day. Went to the lake to visit an old friend (she's like a 2nd mother to me and him)...and find out he has rewritten our script and is telling everyone "we've separated, but we're still friends". I've already told him we are not friends, I am his estranged wife giving him the space he's asked for. Has he gone that far ahead in his mind that we're already done and now we are "friendly?" What on earth is that about? And if this is MLC, which I'm still convinced it is, I read a lot about the MLC'er spewing anger etc at the LBS. Should I be glad there's none of that? Or is he just that emotionally checked out? Is it yet to come? Getting my antidepressants adjusted today. Thank goodness.

apparently he's just sitting around his sister's house when he's not at work. Going to the bar/gym/running etc has died out. His 60th bd on Aug 16.

[HaWho]

Yes, if this is MLC, by the time you get word via BD, the MLCer has ended the marriage in his/her head. We all know how crazy that is, as to us it seems very sudden, they don’t want to work it out and typically there’s no logical reason they give us.

If this is MLC it has been simmering for a long time. It was so gradual it was hard to really piece it all together until BD. But if we look at the 6 stages, this is when most of us have our ah-hah moment, and begin to understand that you were seeing these early stages of his crisis but it was so glacial it went unnoticed. Look over the 6 stages of MLC if you haven’t already.

Not all of them spew anger. I would not say mine monstered too much. He had moments where he was like a viper. Some of them are just quiet while others rage. It is like the teenage years; some are angry, some are quiet, some yell, etc. But he had every trigger for MLC (troubled childhood, poor coping skills, emotionally stunted) every symptom of MLC and he read the script beautifully! Could have won an academy award for it ...

[job]

Barb,

They begin to disconnect/distance themselves from us approximately 12-24 months prior to the bomb drop. Yes, as HaWho has pointed out, by the time the bomb drops, they've already divorced us. Yes, they do like to tell others that we are separated/divorcing and we are going to remain friends. That is all upstairs in their minds. They don't realize that when a divorce comes along, life will change not only for you, but for them as well. Friends to not treat friends the way the MLCer does.

As for the stages of MLC, they are just a guideline, i.e., just as the time it takes each and every one of them to go through the crisis. The stages of MLC are very much like those of the grieving process. They are grieving for the loss of their childhood and the past. We are grieving for the death of a marriage/relationship.

Read as much as you can on MLC and depression. Depression is the main ingredient of MLC.

Some will spew especially if they are put on the spot. Each person is unique and so is their personality and that means that the MLC will have some of the traits that they all have and other traits will be unique to that individual.

As for what he's telling people, I wouldn't try to explain to him any further that you aren't friends. Just go about your business and if someone says something to you about what he's said, say "the issue between us is personal and private at this time. I appreciate your concern". Don't feed those who come to you w/gossip.

Actions speak louder than words and you will need to watch and listen as time moves along. Keep the focus on you for the time being. They are just out in left field and you don't want to go out there w/him.

[BarbH]

Thanks to both of you. yes I think this slide actually started 3-4 years ago, looking back. I had so many issues going on in my family i didn't really notice other than i did know that he was becoming more and unsupportive of me at the time I really needed him. His dad died when he was 58 and H is convinced going to die as well. I've been through more than most folks can imagine in the last 5 years and now, when we should be retiring and relaxing we're doing this. I've been reading like crazy and I don't know if I have it in me. I think he has some fantasy about us living here in the place as roommates while he goes on and about doing his thing. I'm super scared about the future no kids one sister. His family is essentially my family and while I'm trying to gal and reconnect with old friends, well I'm scared of being alone and lonely. Even though logically i can recognize I've been essentially alone for the past 2 years. I don't want to ride this roller coaster.

I also feel like I don't have the time to wait. Maybe there is someone out there who can love me the way I deserve to be loved but unfortunately after all these years I still love him even though he's doing this.

I will carry on gal'ing, sorting out my affairs, being dim and detaching. I only did the we aren't friends thing once. I cant believe the pain this brings and part of me just wants to lash out and make him feel it, but I know he wont. I know he thinks we are done, and he has zero empathy. 36 years.

Thanks for listening. I'm just spewing angst everywhere I go.

He's not even experiencing life on his own staying between his sister's and here. I need to fix up the house to sell and I will have to euthanize my 2 old horses to move. So I'm not even emotionally ready to think about just pulling the pin on the whole mess. He has some weird timeline about me staying here for a year and he'll pay 1/2 the mortgage etc. Getting that in writing next week. Is there part of him that even thinks it might want to come back?

[Hamburg]

It is a scenario none of us envisioned. It's hard to not think about the future, but try and take it day by day. It is difficult to grasp, but a future without him would be the best unless he has a true awakening. You may invest years of uncertainty, worry, fighting, lies, etc... it will age you and wear you down emotionally. The MLC brain has the stamina to continue the bizarre actions for a very long time, so there is little wear and tear to them.

As for the house, he is cake-eating and keeping you as his plan B. He is confused but there is a little spark in his brain that has the capability of running his entire thought process on emotions. Rational decisions and logic are pushed to the very back and may present themselves in occasional very small, short-lived bursts of lucidity but those will come and go.

[kml]

Yes he is hoping you'll be his Plan B. They're not thinking logically but emotionally. All he knows is he's in pain and trying to run from it. He doesn't realize that wherever he goes, there he is.

You don't need to make any decisions right now. Do see an attorney to learn how best to protect yourself financially while in limbo. Then get out and live a life so fun and exciting he'll want to join you.

You need to minimize stress and maximize joy as a cancer survivor.

I repeat my suggestion that you arrange a fun vacation or weekend getaway with a friend or your sister-or on your own! Let him wonder if you're going to meet someone while you're gone. Do something out of the box.

Also, consider changing your hairstyle or color, buying new clothes, leaving that Victoria's Secret bag out where he sees it. The goal is not to start dating but to give him the opportunity to feel some of the loss he would feel if you HAD moved on, to give him a chance to snap out of it before you've actually moved on.

And regardless it's a good idea to work on strengthening your circle of friends. The truth is as women we are more likely to outlive our partners and friends and family are key to living rich lives. I saw a single, childless new patient in her late 80's and she told me how she had a circle of friends who have agreed to care for each other as the need arises.

[peacetoday]

I like everything KML suggested

I know feeling the pain/loss of a spouse is so difficult
and I promise you that it passes and even when I look back now there is No regrets
I did all I could to save our M

Truth is we cant see how fabulous our lives can be while we are grieving,
but one foot in front of the other
we get to a happier place---even though that seems impossible at the time of the loss

We never know if/when the MLCer will truly shift back and there seems to be a stream of that going on the boards right now

but only time can really tell what the future holds
we have to live our best life now
making the best choice at the moment
trying to save the M first by letting it go-and grieving we have the best chance to save ourselves and our M
using each day to grow and learn the skills that will push us forward with or without our H

[HaWho]

Not only do you not need to make any decisions right now regarding moving on, you actually should not make them. You need time to sit still and let this all digest. Otherwise you may make an emotional decision vs. a logical one.

Definitely see a lawyer. Protect/freeze finances.

Mine lived in house for 4 years before he moved and so I can tell you depression is the main ingredient. And yes, it is extraordinary what they “plan.” At BD, mine told me he wanted to get an apartment and sleep with other women on Fridays and Saturdays but come home for pancakes in the AM. Seriously. He told me he needed to have women looking at him “meaningfully” and I am sure this was a mommy issue as he was neglected and treated worse than his brother. He was shocked when I outright said no to this plan.

They are not in their right minds, like teens. But, they have access to funds so they can do damage to your life.

You will be okay. Just take day by day. Post often as this place is amazing with supportive people.

[BarbH]

So Friday night he comes home and I'm afraid I lost my marbles 'started yelling about not being plan b, I wasn't sitting here tending home fires while he ran around trying to find someone else. A lot of choice language. How badly he treated me while mother was dying and if it's over maybe we should just sell . Pretty much everything you probably shouldn't say. Amazingly he say and took it. When I said "and I'm worried about you". He started sobbing. I said "sometimes I think you have me and I repulse you. He said "no I don't hate you i love you but I don't want to hurt you anymore". Then a few other thtings. We ended up holding hAnds and talking for a bit. Then I could see him getting antsy so I moved away. We were able to talk he was able to make eye contact.

Next morning off to bank he gave me hug before we left. Asked me to call him later. I did and he asked (normally) what I was doing. I said a few things then heading home. He called later to say he was at his office but on his way home. Then he phones 10 minutes later and says "who did you tell about Maria as she says it's all over town we had an affair". I said your family. Then he said what about doctors "I said Cheri (mutual friend of me an Ow) who is actually the person who told me it wasn't physicial". I said " but you were inappropriatle y emotionally involed". To which he said yes but I wasn't infatuated! This was all in a very normal tone.

Then I said I had hoped he was coming home as I was excited....I'd been reading up on sbt counselling and wanted to talk about it. HEpe even sounded positive and. It felt like we've had a bit of a breakthrough. Two days of reasonable conversation.

Then I'm at work today and he phones me to talk about issues with our boat and how he's taking it to town but he'll be back later say 9ish. Goes to sister's again and she tells him not to make the hour drive home as he's falling asleep on couch. So we've lost another evening. She hopes we can keep talking I'm going to have to tell her we can't if he's always there!
And with both our shiftwork it's hard to have time together.

THen I see his paperwork and his pulling his accounts to a different bamk....which for some reason sets me right off again.

It felt like we made baby steps and now losing momentum.

[peacetoday]

Barb

It is a difficult thing..MLC

a lot of mixed messages and emotions because they are confused and in crises

If it is true that it may be caused by unresolved trauma from a younger stage, there is not going to be an easy fix unless the person decides to get therapy and help to explore their past-
many will not go this route from my experience

they will choose replay and have fun instead, spend a lot, party, ect...addictions to ease their pain

you may see a lot of touch and goes
they seem closer, they hang out more, talk more
ect...
then they are gone again as if nothing happened

His moving financial accounts and money is a clear message and I would make sure your money, assets accounts credit cards and property are safe

Remember...they LIE
do not trust anything you hear and half of what he does

they act in ways totally opposite of who they were.

MY XH came to my home while it was empty and after he had moved out to get paperwork and titles of vehicles ect..

Keep your finances safe while you watch
keep focusing on you and your new life while he decides

remember you will need to see consistent and constant movement toward the relationship
and behavior of a person who wants to be in a relationship