Ok thanks 19. On the detaching thing. If your emotionally detached then what’s left between you and W. I mean. Love is an emotion right? It’s almost like I need to stop loving her. This bit is really confusing I must admit
So at time of BD most W are already feeling an emotional disconnect from their H. You shouldn’t emotionally detach but lovingly detach. There is a difference. It is all about time and space. You lovingly detach for yourself to make this difficult situation easier. You will eventually get to a point where her actions and words do not bother you and do not hurt you. You can still have love for her, but need to give her the time and space she needs while using other DB tactics such as PMA and 180s.
This is coming from someone who is obsessive compulsive attached. You want to detach fast? Start doing the things you were once passionate about, and for good measure, reach out of your comfort zone and try something new if your ready. Worrying about who she is with what she is doing with who, etc is going to help you learn for next time the signs when you are being played, but emotionally its going to do you no good, you need to rebuild yourself into a strong independent self with a mission and purpose no matter how small or large that is. Stop losing your identity in another person, especially one that no longer wants you. Not to sound arrogant but love yourself first before you can love someone else. I know it's hard when our identities are tied up into our family and our spouses. My purpose is singing. Always has been always will be. Now that I found a band, good guys, an outlet for it for the first time in my life. It really doesn't matter who I'm tied to her with what my situation is where I'm going to live or what I'm going to do. Is my emotional release, it always has been and always will be. The whole world can be blowing up around me but when I'm doing my thing, it doesn't matter. Go and find that, and you will find contention amongst the chaos.
Ok thanks 19. On the detaching thing. If your emotionally detached then what’s left between you and W. I mean. Love is an emotion right? It’s almost like I need to stop loving her. This bit is really confusing I must admit
It's going to take some time to build consistency between all the fluctuating emotions through all this, between the grief to sadness anger and resentment and the resignation. It's not that you need to stop loving her it's just that you need to romantically stop loving her and you need to love her from a distance. I've never broken up with a girl in my life in the five relationships I've had. But every one of them with time has healed my wounds from that and I wish them well in life. To lose a wife of 10 years is a whole new experience for me. Wish them well, detach lovingly. Detaching is not a goal you hope to achieve. Its a process of healing through time by personal growth and contentment. When you make a person the center of your life, and they leave, you lose yourself. But slowly by reestablishing yourself, you will detach a little more everyday. Sometimes with anger, sometimes with fear, sometimes with love, and eventually the more you get back to center on yourself, the more you will be able to handle the trials of getting through to the other side.
In general, the best move is sometimes no move at all. My point was that if you can't control yourself by doing something small, and slow like joejoe suggested, then do nothing.
Just to further this point.
DOING NOTHING is actually an ACTION.
Especially for you who thinks that you must DO something.
It takes a lot of will power and patience to sit back and let things come to you.
IHCLACS. You are right. I went out and GAL last night. Went to a friends place. He is in the middle of D. Nasty one. But I made a new friend! We talked about how we became codependent in our spouses. How we lost who we were.
I didn’t ask permission to go. I made sure S was taken care of and said I’m going over to friends place. She said “ok have a good time”. Lol. I got anxious for nothing
I was a music major in college. Played guitar. when W and I met I was on stage in a rock band. Sadly I’ve had to sell all my guitars to cover bills
You guys have really helped me understand detaching. Thank you. It’s like looking at her objectively instead of subjectivity but you still love her
Thanks cadet and LH.
Side note. Prolly means nothing but with mentioning
She didn’t sleep using the force to levitate off the edge last night. She actually was almost on my half facing me. I’m goin for a mornin jog! It may sound stupid but I’ve gained a tiny bit of ground for me
