Gosh, how cruel. You know, it doesn't matter WHY he's being cruel here, the fact is that you should not have to suffer that cruelty. I agree with AS that maybe you needed to make a big statement in order to get a big rejection. Hopefully that will help you detach more xx
I won't suffer it any longer. And as I accept he isn't able to do the work to find another way of channelling his feelings of fear and vulnerability, I have to stay away from him. It is very very sad. But I do feel a lot of peace with my decision.
I am okay. He's furious about me changing the council tax and contacting our mortgage broker and started speaking to me terribly about it. I spoke to him in very strong terms about the language and tone from him I would no longer tolerate and chucked him out. Youngest saw this, which I am not proud of (I didn't raise my voice, but I did interrupt H and ask him who the XX he thought he was speaking to) but a line needed to be drawn. H did actually slink off looking pretty shocked.
I have excellent plans for today and I am feeling okay.
Just journalling. I am okay - not heartbroken, but very sad and angry.
Had a lot of contact from H. He's really angry with me. Telling me he won't be manipulated and coerced into being the partner I wanted him to be, and that we always agreed that we'd work on things once he finished his project, and I have no right to be surprised he wants to stick to those plans. I think he's right. But I just can't. And I am furious that I can't - a little bit with him, but mainly with myself and the situation. It seems he isn't able to accept kindness from me without feeling coerced, and isn't able to give anything at all without feeling like he's attempting to placate me. That's the truth of his feelings and I have validated that more or less constantly for six months. At the same time, he's asking for kindness, and asking me to wait in this limbo for longer. He doesn't want to let go of me but he doesn't want to actively repair things either. The truth of my feelings are that I don't believe he is going to arrange the therapy, I don't believe he's interested in participating it in fully, and I don't want to carry on hanging about outside that empty cupboard any more. He finds that manipulative but it doesn't mean I am manipulating. He's also furious I am being much more outspoken at setting a clear boundary for the way he speaks to me. I guess he's going to have to process his own anger and I will have to process mine and we both need to accept that if nobody manipulates or placates the other, but there's just clear honesty, then we are at the end of our marriage.
I have a lot of nervous energy today. I've been for a long and muddy walk and now I am about to tackle some housework, with vigour. This will pass. This will pass.
I’ve just gotten caught up on your situation. I’m no expert at this, but I really think you’ve done the right thing by starting this ball rolling and setting your boundaries. I’m proud of you. I can so relate to the feeling you describe when you know what you are doing is impulsive/doesn’t align with DBing/will almost certainly have a bad result, but you also feel you need to do it. I think it’s important to trust those instincts sometimes. We want our spouses to want to come back, but we also want them to see and respect and accept us as a whole person, and that comes with real, strong emotions and valid needs, as you say.
When I read what your H said to you about laughing with his coworker about your idea he might come home...honestly I cried a few angry tears. That is beyond cruel, on so many levels. Throwing in a third party like that is like cramming a handful of rock salt into your wounds. The fact that your youngest later saw you stand up for yourself? I honestly think that might be for the best. Of course ideally ones children wouldn’t witness any of this, but if he HAS witnesses your H being cruel and disrespectful, it might be a healthy antidote for him to ALSO see you stand up and say that’s not ok with you. That is valuable.
I also really relate to being able to come to the realization that ones spouse may jus not be capable of turning toward one at present. I think I’m experiencing the same. It’s heart breaking. But I do believe that there is great value in recognizing it, for better or for worse. You are so strong, it’s inspiring
Those kind of barbed and cruel remarks really used to hurt me. I used to cry, and get nearly hysterical in my energy at trying to placate him or get him to take it back or comfort me. And often, he would - while holding me responsible for his behaviour. And I'd never challenge him on that because I wanted the comfort.
I feel very different today. I see a silly, out of control, insecure man with a nasty little cruel streak who is upset because he is not getting what he wants and his usual techniques don't seem to be working.
Wow, lots of control issues there with him confronting you over the council tax and mortgage. Did he not get the memo about it being June and about him needing to live up to his promises to start repairing the marriage? I mean, I get that nobody likes being pressured, but these are promises that HE made didn't he? Ugh, stand strong, and yes, nobody should be spoken to like that, I'm glad you called him out on his toddlerish behaviour and showed him the door.
Latest is that he will go to counselling, but I need to find and book the therapist because he doesn't have the time and headspace... I really don't think he gets it.
I'm feeling pretty low tonight. Exhausted, really. I could get back into this with him, and accept more of his evasions and excuses and delays and more of his nasty behaviour when I ask for what he doesn't want to give, or walk away from the little he is offering. But I am just so weary of it. Kids back at school tomorrow so ironing of school uniforms tonight then a day off for me tomorrow for some self care and time outside.
My night consists of ironing of school uniforms too ... oh, the life of a mum
A good trick I learnt when I get overwhelmed is to name five things I can see, three things I can hear and two things I can smell. It is a good way of coming back to the present. Another one (from Yail) is to write a daily gratitude list. I've never been disciplined enough to do this, but am told it helps us to focus on what we have and not what we don't.
You are sucking up his negative energy, and from what you say, he has a hell of a lot of it to go around. You are absorbing it and are making it your own.
When you do the ironing tonight, put some live comedy on the telly. Laughter not only distracts, it has a funny (see what i did there) of healing us. Actually, I have some funny OLD stories to share, which I will do, when I get around to journalling and am sure you will get a laugh out of. And no, there haven't been any more dates, just the chats themselves are hilarious.
