Yorkie - I really don't believe he is having an A. If he is, then it doesn't really change my decision of today. Would I have acted differently over the last six months if I'd have known that for sure? I think I would have done, yes. But what's done is done. I've looked at myself, I've started to make the changes I need to make to address my own shortcomings - which are true no matter what he is doing or has done, and I've given him as much care and attention as I've been able to - and I've done it knowing full well that he hasn't been in position to return anything to me. I tried to do it freely, without conditions, and sometimes I succeeded at that and at other times I was trying to love him into coming back, or heal him, or do his growing for him. I accept that.
I think what I see today is that he isn't able to even consider that my needs are valid. Not being able to meet them is one thing - and totally forgivable. But he isn't even in a space where he can understand that a relationship needs two people in it. He wants me to 'hold on' to him - which basically means being available to meet what small needs he has from me, while not offering anything back. I don't want to do that anymore because it was making me incredibly sad when so much else in my life is making me happy. I am determined. I want to be happy. I want a great life. And it is perfectly possible for me to have a happy great life as a divorced woman, but it isn't possible to have one as the one person putting love into a broken marriage.
It is a shame that things are the way they are. I wish they weren't. But acceptance is needed, then action to move forward.
Yorkie - I really don't believe he is having an A. If he is, then it doesn't really change my decision of today. Would I have acted differently over the last six months if I'd have known that for sure? I think I would have done, yes. But what's done is done. I've looked at myself, I've started to make the changes I need to make to address my own shortcomings - which are true no matter what he is doing or has done, and I've given him as much care and attention as I've been able to - and I've done it knowing full well that he hasn't been in position to return anything to me. I tried to do it freely, without conditions, and sometimes I succeeded at that and at other times I was trying to love him into coming back, or heal him, or do his growing for him. I accept that.
I think what I see today is that he isn't able to even consider that my needs are valid. Not being able to meet them is one thing - and totally forgivable. But he isn't even in a space where he can understand that a relationship needs two people in it. He wants me to 'hold on' to him - which basically means being available to meet what small needs he has from me, while not offering anything back. I don't want to do that anymore because it was making me incredibly sad when so much else in my life is making me happy. I am determined. I want to be happy. I want a great life. And it is perfectly possible for me to have a happy great life as a divorced woman, but it isn't possible to have one as the one person putting love into a broken marriage.
It is a shame that things are the way they are. I wish they weren't. But acceptance is needed, then action to move forward.
I was listening to something the other day where they were talking about divorce and how long it takes to get over it. They reckoned 5 to 7 years was about average, and that really you never truly get over it. This was both terrifying and comforting to me! The bond that you have between spouses is really strong and really painful to break, even if the M has been struggling for a long time.
That's true, Dilly. I love that man and in some ways I know I always will. It was actually easier to be angry and to be in blame, as I was last year. It's addictive, but it also protects you against grief. I need to grieve but I also need to start that process of moving forwards. I love him and I think because I love him the kindest thing I can do for both of us is to accept that he can't give me what I need, I can't stop needing it, and the best thing is to let things go.
Sunday I will buy garden furniture. He wanted me to wait until he could help choose, so it will be a small and happy thing I can do for the kids to make our summer a bit lovelier and nothing he needs to be involved in right now.
Silent reader over here. I wrote a post that didn’t post for some reason yesterday to you before your H decided he wasn’t staying here.
And honestly? I am relieved. He is borderline emotionally abusive to you. He gaslights. When I read about the other night you had, I was cringing. He says he doesn’t want to talk about anything , tells you when you asked if he needed anything “it’s going to take more than lamb and lipstick” and you still try to nice him and he says “ I don’t you I didn’t want to talk” really? He leaves you with a disrespectful comment, you address it and you aren’t supposed to say anything? Oh heck no! He’s been disrespectful and mean to you so many times. Don’t validate that BEHAVIOR. Validating emotions is one thing, but validating his kind of behavior is a huge no. Next time say “I will not tolerate disrespect and WALK AWAY.
Whatever his deal is, he needs to deal with it on his own. Not in the same vicinity as you. You are not there to be someone to beat up in his depression or whatever it is. You don’t want your kids to see that .
Let him have his alone time without you catering to his needs and emotions, and mistreatment of you. He’s in for a rude awakening to find out you are not to blame for the way he is acting or feels.
^^^YES I really agree with what Ginger said. Surely you knew this attempt to "nice" him back was going to fail miserably, the outcome was very predictable. Maybe you needed one last rejection to finally let him go, I'm not sure. But you really do need to let him go, this relationship has been TOXIC for so long and is going to destroy you if you continue this routine of pushing him away and trying to pull him back in again. Just let him go and move on, you need to do it for you and especially for the kids. I'm not saying there's no chance for recon in the future but he really needs to own his crap first and he's nowhere close to doing that.
You're right. I know that very clearly. I knew even as I was asking him to come home what the answer would be, and I have it. It is sad but I am not surprised.
He finished work early today and said he wanted to pick up Youngest. He turned up about an hour ago. He wasn't wearing his wedding ring and picked up a few bits and pieces he'd brought to the house on Wednesday. He said he'd talked to one of his work colleagues about what I'd asked of him and apparently she had been laughing her head off (his exact words) at the thought he'd want to come home. He said 'someone you know topped themselves and I'm supposed to bend over backwards to give you what you want' and he had this look on his face he gets when he wants to hurt me - a real cruelty and a kind of joy in twisting the knife - but underneath that I saw a scared little boy who has had his toys taken away and is throwing a tantrum about it. That urge to be cruel and try to humiliate me and hurt me when he isn't getting what he wants is still there - I see that very clearly - and it's a part of his character that he needs to be willing to own and address and he isn't. I know it comes from fear - he's furious that he's not getting what he wants from me any more and he's lashing out in order to hurt me, and it didn't hurt me really. It was obvious. He can rationalise it any way he likes, but he's lost his willing compliant wife and he knows it. He'll be furious as long as he likes - I guess until he's willing to look at himself - and I won't listen to it anymore. I've said all I needed to say to him and drawn my line in the sand.
I might feel humiliated in the future about how open and vulnerable I was in the messages I sent to him on Wednesday - I didn't beg or plead but I told him how much I loved him, how sorry I was for the pain I'd caused him, and how much I wanted us to start building a new future together. I sent him a romantic poem and song that expressed some of how I was feeling - and in part, how I still feel - it was a big open hearted request that even as I sent it I knew what the answer would be, but I think it was honest and I made it once and I've had my answer and that's it now. This isn't about me withdrawing or applying LRT in order to get him to feel the loss of me and bring him back. This is about me ending our relationship. I think over these past few months I've slowly become too healthy to be abused or used any longer.
