I know, Dilly. He was being utterly unreasonable. Whenever he has a complaint about something he dumps it all in my lap, calls me controlling and dismissive if I offer suggestions for repairing it, rejects any attempts at me offering empathy and compassion... I can't make his effort for him, I can't solve the mental health problems he is clearly having, and I can no longer be held responsible for them and be placed in a position where I live a half life waiting for him because he can't cope with a proper family life. My IC seems to believe that what he really wants is for me to apologise for everything and accept the blame, because blame is a person's way of putting uncomfortable feelings onto someone else - so long as he blames me for him feeling awful, he doesn't need to put the work into fixing whatever it is about his life and his marriage that makes him feel awful. I won't do that for him anymore.
I suspect that he doesn't want a divorce and he doesn't want to lose the services I am providing for him right now - the childcare, the understanding listening, the meals for his freezer now and again, the possibility that we can repair things in the future, the idea that he has a home he's just choosing not to be in at the moment, but is still there. The financial stability, the place for all his things, the place of welcome and understanding to come back to and see his kids when he's had a hard day at work. But he doesn't want to, or isn't able to, man up and do the repair work. His time for wavering is now over. None of that is going to be there for him unless he starts participating.
It will be a marathon. And he can either start running his, or watch me vanish into the dust without him. I don't know what the outcome will be and he's entirely free to choose whatever he wants, but I know for sure what I am choosing. I want to be happy and I will never again be his doormat and scapegoat.
I know exactly where you're coming from Alison, I have many of the same feelings myself about my H. It's so true that we didn't break them so we can't fix them. The blame thing is so disempowering, we have to be so careful not to blame our Hs ourselves when we see the damage they cause with their blame. Stepping off the blame ride is hard but essential I think, as well as not falling into the trap of thinking 'well, I'm working on my issues and he's not so I'm a better person'. I think sometimes I do that and my friends encourage me, but that's not healthy either!
I am trying not to blame him. I think he's doing his best, and I think I'm further along in the process than he is because I've had space and time to reflect and he hasn't. And as it stands, his best isn't good enough to sustain a marriage and either he does better, or the marriage ends. I guess we'll see. I feel okay today. I've decided unless he has some particular objection and needs me to do bath and bed with Youngest (if he's tired, that's fair enough) then I am going to go out and GAL with some friends for a couple of hours this evening. I don't want to cling to him or crowd him and I need some fun and conversation that he's in no fit state to provide right now.
Journalling: hectic day yesterday. Eldest's appointment went well. I managed to stay focused on him and he was pleased with how it went too - saw a much friendlier consultant than last time, which makes things easier. Some of them have no communication skills at all... traffic home was absolutely awful so we were pretty late back.H had made tea for us all, which was nice, and spent the afternoon out with Youngest. Everyone totally exhausted so bed early. Slept in bed with H, which was nice, and a bit strange.
He was affectionate with me and talked to me a bit about his work plans - it isn't set in stone yet and it turns out this new department is about to bring in some shift changes that would make moving there a bit pointless, so he's not decided yet. I just validated. He needs to decide next week and I said whatever decision he made, we'd make it work, and him balancing his own quality of life into it was really important. I also said that we could find a marriage counsellor who would see us in the evenings or at weekends, and we would make it work.
He also talked about taking some holiday between the end of this work project (next week) and the start of new job, if he takes it, which I think is positive. He was also very nice to me about the hospital appointment - we didn't talk about it in detail but he knows what was on his mind. He gave me a hug and said he didn't have much spare emotional energy to give me, but he was pleased I'd managed it all so well and he was proud of me, and that was enough, to be honest, as I wasn't up for a big feelings talk either.
This morning he was up early and brought me a coffee in bed. That was so lovely. I've missed that. He was getting ready and I said I'd been taking the kids out to the beach on Friday nights, and we'd be doing that tonight and if he wanted to come with us that would be fine, but I knew he might be tired after work (he is on his feet all day). He said he'd decide when he got back. Then about five minutes later he was talking to Youngest, telling her that he might not come home tonight, but if he didn't he would be back in the morning. I waited until we were alone and said - 'you might not come back tonight?' and he said, 'well, all my things are somewhere else,' and I nodded. And he said 'I can't just move in after all you've put me through,' and I said, 'okay. That's your choice. But I want you to know I meant what I said,' and he said 'we've obviously had some kind of misunderstanding,' and I said, 'I think I'm being really clear now and I think I was clear on Wednesday too. I meant what I said,' and he said he was going to be late for work and needed to go, and I wished him a good day.
So, that's where we are. I feel a bit shaky but okay. It is sort of what I thought would happen. Him pretending that I wasn't clear or it was just a misunderstanding is another type of evasion - him evading the crunch point that my boundary has brought him to. I didn't really think that giving him an ultimatum would get him back to the house and back with me. I didn't give it thinking that from then on it would be a happy ending. But I am determined that I won't carry on this half-life any longer, with him dropping in to family life when he wants it, and not when he doesn't. I didn't expect he would be here 100% from here on out - obviously he will have things to sort out at the room he is renting, etc etc. But I'm not going to have him pretend that this was a misunderstanding. I was clear and I am carrying on being clear. He either participates fully in working on our marriage which means coming home and coming to MC with me, or I go dark.
I'm going to leave him to it today. I doubt I will see him this evening. I won't contact him if he doesn't come home. He knows what the score is.
Plan for today is: contact mortgage broker and get a figure for what it would cost me to buy him out of the mortgage. Some work to do this morning, and some skype appointments this afternoon. Beach trip tonight with Youngest (Eldest will be out socialising - which I am glad about). Tomorrow morning I have GAL plans and need to do some housework in the afternoon. Will try to see a friend on Sunday. I suspect I will be sad, but also purposeful and I don't want to lose that purpose. This is my marriage ending and I need to take some practical action to get the finances sorted.
So - he's texted me saying he won't be pressured by me and won't be coming back. I said I understood, I knew he was a good man and I accepted his decision but the status quo was no longer on offer. Which meant he needed to see the kids at his own place from now on.
Oh Alison, have a whole bunch of hugs, it sounds like you've had a rollercoaster few days. It sounds like he was offering you...something. But that it was all too much pressure for him. That's understandable I think, to go from living separately to being expected to come back to participate 100% in family life was too much for him to handle. And maybe he was as frightened as you that doing that would mean going back to your old broken marriage.
You've been very impulsive, and I empathise so much with your frustration. You want to GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE, preferably with him in it. I feel that too. However, I don't think impulsiveness is ever rewarded in this process. Then again, things dragging out slowly and painfully also might not be rewarded, and sometimes action is just the only thing you can bear to do.
I hope you're ok. I think you've done the right thing to let him feel the pain of being properly separated instead of just when he fancies. I should maybe take my own advice here...Take care of yourself xx
thanks for that. I feel okay. Sad, but not surprised, and okay.
I think you're right - he probably wants to be able to offer me what I want, and he can't. And I understand that. I don't think he's hurting me deliberately. But the situation was hurting me and it's my responsibility to take care of myself. It looks impulsive, I'll admit that - but from the start of this separation I'd always said to myself I wouldn't carry on with 'holding on to him' (as he put it) unless he gave me something to hold on to, and that I needed to see that happening by the end of his big work project. The main part of his big project ended in the middle of May. What he's doing now is a normal amount of working hours at a location near to his (and our) home.
What I've had from him so far is words - promises to start repairing in the future, promises for MC and a change in his working location - but action has not materialised. He comes over and sees his kids here a couple of times a week, is cooked for, is looked after and cherished when he is sick, but in terms of offering to meet my needs - there's not much more forthcoming then there was six months ago. Things have vastly improved between him and Eldest - and I am so glad for that for both their sakes, but that isn't a marriage. Things are more cordial between us, but I suspect that's because a) I've got less needy - appropriately so and b) better at pretending my valid needs aren't important.
My valid needs aren't being met, I don't see any signs of them being met - or of him even being able to move past blame long enough to acknowledge that they are valid - and I don't want to wait any more. I am so much happier in every single area of my life, and the marriage and my relationship to H felt like the millstone around my neck. I will be heartbroken to let it go - but in order to move forward into a happy life I either need someone working with me to build a new marriage, or I need to be single so I can complete the building of my own happy life. I had hoped for the first but it looks like what I'll be doing is the second, and that has to be okay.
Yes, you've made a big decision here, and you're right that action matters and words don't. On to a new chapter for you, you've grown much stronger over these months and you will be ok eventually, no matter what happens.
I just looked back at what I wrote to you when you first joined. I still stand by what I wrote. You have analysed and analysed your marriage and made some changes. But I don't think you've been able to properly analyse because you don't know the whole picture.
But it doesn't matter because you've arrived at your destination anyway.
By that I don't necessarily mean D, but where you drop the rope and decide that he can get on with whatever it is and you will only think about yourself and your kids.
