I agree you need to finish that conversation with H. And I like peacetoday’s suggestion of having the conversation away from the house.
Have you spoken with a lawyer?
How much do your kids know about what is going on? Or do you think they know? Kids are a lot more perceptive than we give them credit for.
D14, D12, and S10 will have questions. You are their support. You are the strong stable parent. Talk to them, let them ask questions, and answer them truthfully (age appropriate of course). They have a path to walk as well; their lives are changing too. Be their beacon. Keep shinning.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
What a weekend. My daughter (12y) called me Friday and told me she wanted to come home from her fathers’ house. She seemed quite distracted but didn’t tell me why. On Saturday she told me that she knows her dad has a girlfriend. She had been watching Netflix on his iPad and had seen his imessages to the OW. She told her older sister as well, and now the girls are so angry with him.
He tried lying to her about it and told her that this woman came along after we had separated, but my daughter didn’t believe him, of course she didn’t, she saw all the messages.
Now I’m a bit concerned what kind of messages there has been, I’m sure they’re not appropriate for children’s eyes.
This is so hard, the hardest for me is when the kids are hurting, and now that they’ve been hurting this weekend, I’ve been hurting so much too. I feel like the sadness is just now creeping up on me, it’s been almost 3 months since BD. Maybe I’ve just been in shock until now. I feel hopeless, I don’t think he will ever come back, not after how much damage he has left behind. And that makes me sad. Before this, he was such a good husband and such a great father. I want to stand, but I don’t know if I can and at the same time, I have no other choice but to stand. I’m so messed up.
On BD Me 39 H44 D14 D12 S10 M19 T19 BD 3/19 Separation 3/19 H filed for D 4/19
Nyla one very small thing that helped me that I hope helps you too -
When you say "I want to stand, but I don't know if I can" just remember you don't have to decide today. You don't have to decide tomorrow. In fact, you may not ever need to actively decide. All you need to do is put one foot ahead of the other and move forward every single day. One day you'll just know one way or the other what the best thing to do is. But it is too early to add pressure to yourself on top of everything else.
I know this is so hard and you feel like you won't come out alive. You will.
It’s not shock; that wore off in the first week or so. You are stepping out of denial.
Denial is a needed mechanism to protect one’s psyche; when facing too much pain or trauma the mind will ignore it until it can process it safely. This is healthy and natural, you are ok.
As more and more is revealed to you, more and more feelings and emotions will surface. And yes, you will feel more mixed up. Keep to your path, and remember this is a counterintuitive time - focus on you and your kids. Even as your mind is wanting something else, your H.
How was your conversation with H about boundaries?
I think you are going to have to follow up and lay down another boundary regarding “his” devices that have messages from his girlfriend. He needs to get devices for the kids that are just for them.
If you had a good strong conversation before, let him have it. Even if you didn’t you need to get some rules in place. Thankfully no pictures were discovered. I am sure you can see why the need for some ground rules. Something along the lines of your girlfriend, her messages, pictures, etc... are not allowed around my children. Post some of your ideas and we can fine tune them with you if you like.
As for D12 and D14 (since D12 told her), talk to them. Does S10 know? I would suspect he will find out soon, one of the girls will tell him - and that is ok. The four of you do not need secrets, or worse lies, amongst you. Open, honest sincere communication with your children will help them a lot. They need truth, love, security, that person they can count on - you. Become the best Mom you can be.
Right now they know he has a girlfriend. And they know, or suspect, she was in the picture before your separation. It is ok to tell them the truth. Answer their questions about the timing. It is ok. Facts are better than fiction. They will be looking for answers, and will make something up, if you do not help them.
A caution for you. Do not demonize their father. Just be factual and show kindness. This, as it turns out, is as much for you as it is for the kids. However, your children really do not want to lose their Dad. Unfortunately that is out of your hands. He is going to do whatever he is going to do, and there will be consequences. Make the relationship between you and your kids really good.
It is not your job to foster or maintain a relationship between H and his kids. It is your job not to destroy it.
A quick bit on standing. Yail is correct, you do not need to decide today or tomorrow. What you are looking at deciding is actually standing down. Standing appears to be your default, like it was for me, and probably most of us here. You always have a choice, however your healthiest choice right now is to stand until you are healed enough not to. Then you can actual decide what you want to do.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Like so many others here have said before me, this board is such a lifesaver. Even though I sometimes worry if I hang out here too much. It just gives me strength to get thru the days sometimes.
Yail, what you said actually made me feel better, I haven’t really thought about it like that. It seems like everyone around me are trying to rush me to a decision, and I just feel so overwhelmed with everything that I can’t decide yet.
DnJ, we didn’t have the conversation with H yet. As this event unfolded on Friday we haven’t been in touch all weekend. My girls know that she was in the picture before our separation, and they were quite hateful in their texts to their father. Calling her names and just mean. I told them that they have a right to be angry with him, but they shouldn’t let that anger linger. I told them that he is in crisis, tried to explain it the best I could so that they would understand. D12 was ok to talk about it, the D14, not so much.
H had told S10 over the weekend. I don’t think he knows she was around before separation. He seemed to be ok, he was asking if I was ok about it.
What I know now is that she is moving in with him next month. D14 refuses to go to her fathers house, D12 wants to meet with him today. She wants to talk with him. She says she feels bad if she doesn’t talk with him. I’m not so sure how that will go. I wouldn’t want them to go to his house anymore when the OW moves in, but I can’t really stop them either, can I?
Boundaries, yes. First boundary. We will not be intimate with each other (unless you’re committed to working on our marriage ) Add the marriage part or not? Or I was thinking about saying the I feel that it is disrespectful toward everyone when we are intimate and he’s not willing to work on our marriage. Any suggestions how to word this are appreciated.
Second boundary, which I’m not sure how to do. I don’t want the OW around my kids, but if she’s moving in, how can I stop that? Other than not letting the kids go to his house.
Phone calls and interactions with H are now pleasant, he doesn’t talk about our M and I don’t ask either, so he’s not mean or disrespectful to me in those ways. So in those areas I don’t feel like I need to set boundaries.
On BD Me 39 H44 D14 D12 S10 M19 T19 BD 3/19 Separation 3/19 H filed for D 4/19
A question about the ring. I don't know what to do with it. I keep on taking it off and putting it back on. Is this normal or just me? What have you guys done? To me it symbolises our marriage, from here to eternity, but right now it's more from here to MLC. I don't know. Today I want to put it back on.
On BD Me 39 H44 D14 D12 S10 M19 T19 BD 3/19 Separation 3/19 H filed for D 4/19
I would not bring up the intimacy issue with him unless he approaches you and you will probably be meeting in public places if you need to talk about issues
If he makes advances : maybe say something like-and get some others opinions also to pick what feels right for you without blaming him for his irresponsible behavior
start with a positive like :I appreciate ---anything he does that is nice example: even the simple stuff--I appreciate you calling the kids before bed-That is so helpful(whatever he does) then....
I feel it is best for me and the kids to keep our co-parenting relationship just that- no blaming no shaming just a real fact
About the kids:
I set real strong boundries and did not let my kids go the XH home they never met OW
He had to come to our home to see them-and MY xh didn't fight me on this My 5 year old had severe allergies and I really fought --my xh gave up-
so I may not be the best example but my kids always came first and looking back, I am grateful he left MY kids are grown and doing amazing-
Each of us has to choose what is best and every choice has a consequence--for good or not-
I would always advise any LBS to Put those kids first and whatever the consequence with the MLCer...it is just that-
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I just had a talk with S10. H had told him about the new girlfriend and had even called her with him. The OW invited my son to go to movies with her to see Spiderman. My son loves all things Marvel. My husband had also told my son not to tell me that he knows about the girlfriend.
He had also asked both D12 and S10 to lie to me about missing school last week. He had a meeting and couldn’t drive the kids to school, so he just let them miss it!!!
How do I state a boundary of not asking the kids to lie to me. That is not fair to them. Makes me so angry, and it makes me angry that OW has talked with my son. He seems a bit gloomy but doesn’t really want to talk about his emotions.
I wish my book would show up already, I ordered DR almost two weeks ago and the delivery time is killing me!
On BD Me 39 H44 D14 D12 S10 M19 T19 BD 3/19 Separation 3/19 H filed for D 4/19
A question about the ring. I don't know what to do with it. I keep on taking it off and putting it back on. Is this normal or just me? What have you guys done? To me it symbolises our marriage, from here to eternity, but right now it's more from here to MLC. I don't know. Today I want to put it back on.
This is very normal, many of us have fought this question. I know I did. On and off is normal, and it is also okay if this changes day to day.
For me, I looked at my hand and asked whether looking at the ring brought me strength or pain. That helped me decide what was best.
In my situation I took my engagement ring off first, since that was the ring with deeper memories of happy times. I wore only my simple wedding band as a subtle reminder that I married, though not in an active relationship. After a time this did not seem to be accurate so I took that off as well. It was a slow process.
If you do find that you take your rings off here's a little trick I did: Keep your nails painted. I tend to not have painted nails as my default, but with the absense of my rings I was shocked every time I saw my hands. So I painted my nails for a long while as I adjusted to my new look. It actually helped!
You can also get another ring and place on that finger. Maybe find something new to symbolize a new you. Nothing says that you have to leave that finger bare.
Also, I would sit down and have a nice chat w/your children and explain that honesty is the way to go. Advise them that you will always be there for them and listen to them and advise them what is proper and right. If they start lying now, that will become a habit and it's not a good one. Your h should be ashamed of himself for putting the kids in the middle to lie about what goes on over in that hot mess of a place.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
