Soon to separate, Possible WAW

[Hallzy9]

That was a bit passive aggressive even if you didnt mean to be. If you want to decline just say "I am busy". If she presses just say "I have plans".

Remember you need to be mysterious, not cocky. If you have to say something referencing marriage just say "these are things I do with my wife. You fired me from that role"

At thanks SoTorn, I said it in a pretty upbeat joking way so hopefully didn’t seem too passive aggressive. I would use something like that fired line you gave me but my W keeps saying “we’re still married” so I’m not sure how that would play out.

Truth: We are all going to gravitate towards the sides that are the most agreeable with us and our perceptions in these situations.

Yeah you’re right IHC, I don’t think my W has found anyone supporting her decisions yet, she is probably looking.

I need some help guys. Today my W asked me to rub her neck. I said “only if you massage mine too”. Me doing things for her only because I expected something in return was a complain of hers in the R. So a 180 would be to do it without question. Per forum advice though, I shouldn’t be doing stuff like this as it is cake eating.

She got upset and said “see this is the problem”, and acted pretty withdrawn from me after. How should I handle situations like this? It’s more of the same if I ask for something in return or say no. But seems like temp check/cake eating if I do? Thanks

[SoTorn]

I think Sandi needs to chime in.

[Hallzy9]

Hello hello,
Just want to document today:
1 day till move out.
Tonight after I got my S to bed my W and I planned to type up our separation agreement.

I should note that my W has been extremely stressed and torn up about leaving me. The first 2 weeks after BD she barely ate and barely slept. She has had bouts of diarrhea and has had her period 3 times in 6 weeks. Just stressing that she is incredibly stressed and insecure about her decision to separate. I’ve read that most WW/WAW don’t give a shyt so this is interesting to me.

She was visibly stressed and expressed many times that this was “so stressful” “feels so real now that we are putting it in writing” “making me feel so anxious”. As much as I wanted to yell “this is all because of you!” I didn’t. I listened and validated very well.

So anyway we typed up our agreement. It went well, no argument. The whole time she was very touchy feely with me. Trying to manipulate me? Possibly but it went well. W insisted that we take a few shots before hand as she was so anxious.

During the typing of the agreement my W said “I don’t know what the outcome will be. Maybe we will get back together but I don’t know”. She seems incredibly unstable and insecure. She asked me what I thought would happen: I replied “I think you have some things to figure out and I have some things to work on. I think we both need space to figure out things.”

In the agreement I wanted a point that said reassess in 1 year. When I mentioned it to my W a few weeks ago she straight up said no. Tonight she suggested we write reassess as I wanted. She seems far more open to R compared to a month and a half ago. In her mind around BD R was impossible. Now I believe she is considering it.

After agreement was finished we went to bed. W said she was feeling so stressed and wanted to listen to music. I validated and put on a comedy for myself. I have been an emotional fortress through my sitch and act impervious to stress. (Aside from first week after BD where I was a mess.). We were having some beers and my W spilled one all over me and the bed. I held in my anger which pre BD I’m sure I would have had an outburst towards her. I am working on controlling my temper.

She was laughing and put her head on my chest. I said “remember a few weeks ago when I spilled a beer in bed and you lost it?” We both laughed and then my W started crying. She started sobbing with her head on my chest and put her leg over me. I rubbed her head and back reassuringly. I didn’t shed a tear.

After a few minutes of this she moved her face close to mine and we made out passionately for like 10 minutes. (Jesus this sounds like a romance novel lol) We haven’t kissed like this is months and previously I neglected her in this area. (Was a complaint that I didn’t make out with her enough).

Not saying this is progress. Feels almost like a goodbye at this point. I have hope because she went from: we are done, to maybe we can get back together. I think she is highly conflicted and doesn’t know what she wants. She is aware that I am not a plan B and has commented many times that she knows I will be a womanizer. I reply that, that isn’t what I want but her lack of wanting to work on the R means that I will move on with my life.

I hope for R in the future because I still love her and because of my son. But I am not going to wait around. If she misses the window for R I will not feel sorry. Thanks eveyone

[SoTorn]

She is giving you breadcrumbs. She wants you to chase her and pursue her.

You cant stop her from moving out. I know you dont want her to move out. But its obvious she needs space so she can work on herself.

It hurts but let her go. Its also ok to be intimate if you want. Just dont play into it.

[sandi2]

I went back and read all your threads. I realize the move out date is here, but just maintain your cool.

I'm going to put some stuff out here, and pray it doesn't cause confusion. It may just be my intuition at play.......but here goes.

If your W has/had an alcoholic mother and there was no father.......she may have experienced emotional neglect that has affected her relationship with you. She may have abandonment issues. You said her mother spoiled her. So, she may have a sense of entitlement, which probably resulted from the spoiling.

I think for the most part your responses to her have been good. I really don't see obvious nice-guy tendencies, which is rare if there is a WW in the sitch. And, this leads back to your W. I may be off my rocker, but I'm not convinced that there is an OM in the picture......currently. (All that texting could be to her enabler.) She might have been looking for OM, but there is something that doesn't feel right in my gut. She is critical, spoiled, etc. But I don't really get the sense she cheating.....yet. Now there was the coldness and her sleeping on the edge of bed, which is usually a red flag, but she switched back quickly, so IDK. I don't think all these acts of cuddling and other physical contact and wanting you to be with her are necessarily temp checks. (Some people may fall out of their chair when they read that statement.)

You are 26, and like a lot of young guys you had your fun things to do, and perhaps, you didn't balance your time & attention with your family as well as you should have. Getting M didn't stop you from having your fun......and it shouldn't altogether shut down. When the baby came, that meant there was more work required at home, and in the MR. I'm not sure how much time she took GAL, but I get the feeling she resented it whenever you were not helping out, and/or putting your attention on something other than her. If she is spoiled, critical, insecure, anxious.....and has abandonment issues and a sense of entitlement..........it's quite an emotional package to carry around. I think she has the makings of a WW, b/c of her anger/resentment.....plus, to some degree, loss of respect for you. However, if she's not in an affair, or shopping for one......I think there is a lot of hope for saving the MR, even though she's separating from you.

She seems to like the man you are currently showing her........at least some parts. Yes, she feels a lot of confusion, but who wouldn't with all those issues? I believe this MR can be turned around, if she'll stop listening to whoever is influencing her to leave her M. Didn't you say her BFF had recently divorced? Women can be highly influenced by their BFF's........and their mother. Considering her young age of 26, and her having a baby, and feeling somewhat neglected by her H.........could have been enough to send her packing for a new and single lifestyle.

She seems to want your attention and your affection. Now, I don't know what YOUR problem was by not giving her passionate kisses, when she clearly told you she needed more making-out time with her H. You say you are self confident, so what's the deal with you not wanting open mouth kisses? If I were your young W who had a soon to be one-year old baby........I would think you were not attracted to me. And, considering how you seem to be more interested in your fun stuff.......it would probably cause a lack of self confidence as a woman. One things for sure, it would cause plenty of negative emotions.

So, she decides to separate, and then sees you getting your act together, and she is attracted. She's having doubts.
She is clearly jealous just thinking that you might be meeting some other woman. She is hurt at the possibility you would spend time with someone other than her. Those are natural feelings when a woman feels emotionally neglected. Maybe her love language is affirmation, but I think it may include quality time and physical touch. That's why she is practically chasing you down to touch you, and why it angers/hurts when she doesn't have enough one-on-one time with you. Having another person living in the home, plus a baby, can really challenge how much of that intimate attention she may crave.

Okay, so you are probably wondering why she simply won't say that she doesn't want to leave. How about stubborn pride? Maybe she is hoping you will tell her you don't want her to go. I'm not suggesting you go into the begging routine. But neither should you act cocky about her leaving. Sometimes a physical separation helps the couple to see things more clearly, especially the spouse that actually leaves.

I can't help but wonder if she feels that a separation will get your undivided attention. If she has gone completely wayward, then she will not desire your touch, want your attention, or to work on the MR.

I don't know if anything I've said will help at this point, and I may be completely off track. Her heart may have turned to stone. She may have a hidden agenda that will become visible once she moves out. If that's the case, then forget everything.......well, maybe not everything. Like I said, it's based more on intuition than anything else. So just take it FWIW.

[Hallzy9]

Hi Sandi, thanks for taking the time, I really appreciate your input. I’ll try to answer your questions:

Yes I agree I don’t think there have been many nice guy tendencies. I think I’m guilty of not being nice enough at times. For some reason I got the idea in my head that anytime she made her wants and needs known to me, I viewed it as her trying to be controlling or something. So I got into the habit of denying her things just because I thought she was trying to control me. Looking back I realized I was being cold to her in that regard. I have really tried to 180 on that. She has been receptive and genuinely seems thankful when I do things for her now. I did have trouble with this as I was always wondering if it is a temp check or not.

Yes sandi, when the baby came her MIL moved in with us. Her MIL is great and I really like her but when we are at home it is always all 3 of us. I feel that I don’t have much alone time at home because her mom is always sitting with us except an hour before bed. I don’t feel comfortable being affection to my W in front of her MIL, I will work on this if given the chance. I realize I didn’t verbalize my discomfort about her mom being around too much, that is my fault.

Yes the baby dynamic changed things greatly. She did the bulk of the child care. I thought I was doing a lot but looking back I wasn’t doing much. The amount of child care I do now is probably my biggest 180 and I feel very close with my S now which is great. I still had a big social life and was very active with hockey. My W probably felt she was doing all the child work while I went out and had fun. Not good.

You are absolutely right I wasn’t making her feel attractive. I find her incredibly attractive just did at garbage at letting her know I felt that way. I rarely complimented her. I don’t know why I wasn’t making out with her. I just felt like I had this image of a strong no BS man I wanted to be in my head and I displayed that by being emotionally distant and non affectionate. I used to think acting like that was strong, but now I view it as weak. Well we made out passionately last night so I guess that’s a start. Hopefully I get the chance to again soon haha.

Sandi I’m pretty confused about her thoughts. Yes she likes the changes I’ve made and I do think she’s attracted to me. But every time she has made a comment about me being with other woman I’ve tried to tel her that “this isn’t what I want”. I think I’ve made it more than clear that I want to work on the MR. She hasn’t reciprocated that yet. Yesterday I brought up her plan to see other people when we separate because although she mentions me dating often, I hadn’t heard her talk about herself dating in a few weeks. She said “that’s not my intention but sure” (in reply to me asking if she would see other people. So she seems to say I’m not going out with the goal of meeting someone but I’m not going to shy away from it.

Yes you are spot on about her love languages. She says it is words of affirmation, but there is definitely some physical touch (non sexual) and quality time in there. I have been doing really great about the physical touch and have had some really great words of affirmation which she was grinning after I used them.

I have gone back and forth on my thoughts on OM. I am suspicious but haven’t really seen anything concrete. Her basically sister left her boyfriend of 10 years so basically married. I was actually really good friends with her sister and she was our roommate for a few years. I don’t think she would support my W leaving me but who knows. She left a man who was verbally and sometimes physically abusive. Pretty funny that when her sister left the boyfriend I defended her for leaving an abuser, while my W said it was unfair to just up and leave him like that. Pretty interesting given our sitch now lol.

She has started talking and texting a lot to another young single girl at her work. I believe this to be her enabler/friend she plans on going out drinking with. At first her mom seemed really against us separating and said multiple times that we shouldn’t rush into this, but then she co-signs on an apartment and moving out with my W like 2 weeks later so I guess she is enabling in a way. Her M brought up our R a few days ago and said “I still have hope you guys will work it out”.

So yeah Sandi I’m just unsure of where to go from here. Everything I’ve read says go LRT. But my W has been very receptive to my affection and touch. Part of me thinks that if we can spend time together like once a week while separated maybe we can rekindle R. But I guess it’s up to her now.

If the separation is to get my undivided attention, how will I know? And how do I react? I think I’ve made it clear that I want to be with her still. Am I supposed to pursue some? Maybe ask her if we can date once a week or something? What do you think? I feel that I’ve already 180d on so many of her complaints and I guess that’s why she has turned around so much since BD. Any advice on what you think I should do during separation? Thanks again, sorry for the long read but I wanted to comment on all your points!

[sandi2]

I feel that I don’t have much alone time at home because her mom is always sitting with us except an hour before bed. I don’t feel comfortable being affection to my W in front of her MIL, I will work on this if given the chance. I realize I didn’t verbalize my discomfort about her mom being around too much, that is my fault.

I understand. We lived in the house with my MIL, and I was very shy and uncomfortable if my H tried to kiss me in front of her. I just wasn't use to it. I don't suggest that you make out in front of your MIL, b/c it would probably be uncomfortable for her mom.

Sandi I’m pretty confused about her thoughts. Yes she likes the changes I’ve made and I do think she’s attracted to me. But every time she has made a comment about me being with other woman I’ve tried to tel her that “this isn’t what I want”. I think I’ve made it more than clear that I want to work on the MR. She hasn’t reciprocated that yet. Yesterday I brought up her plan to see other people when we separate because although she mentions me dating often, I hadn’t heard her talk about herself dating in a few weeks. She said “that’s not my intention but sure” (in reply to me asking if she would see other people. So she seems to say I’m not going out with the goal of meeting someone but I’m not going to shy away from it.

Okay, it's time to drop that subject and not bring it up again.

. I had this image of a strong no BS man I wanted to be in my head and I displayed that by being emotionally distant and non affectionate. I used to think acting like that was strong, but now I view it as weak. Well we made out passionately last night so I guess that’s a start. Hopefully I get the chance to again soon haha.

Is that the model you saw when growing up? A strong male leader will not take his W's b.s., bullying, manipulation, verbal disrespect, etc. He isn't afraid to call her out on bad behavior. Being a strong man doesn't mean you can't be sensitive to your W's needs. You can be loving and affectionate without being a doormat. The problem nice-guys have is they think doing 100% of the housework and child care will make their W happy. They think if they wait hand & foot on the princess, they will score brownie points. They fear her anger so much that they act more like her servant than her H. They don't know how to balance how much they do, or where to draw the line. They don't know how to enforce boundaries. So, the W stops doing less & less, and instead of appreciating her H for all the work he does.......she develops a sense of entitlement and loses respect, b/c she doesn't see through eyes of admiration for him as a man.

The longer I read stories from men who have nice guy syndrome, the more I see where they genuinely don't know how to balance how much they do, or when to stand up and call the W out on disrespect, etc. They seem clueless as how to interact with a disrespectful W.

We tell newcomers to begin by detaching, and men who lived their lives with NGS panic at the thought of detaching. Many of them have no clue as to how to GAL, b/c they basically gave up anything that did not include the W or she disapproved of his GAL. When he hears about doing 180's, he makes it all about pleasing his W, so she won't leave him.

So yeah Sandi I’m just unsure of where to go from here. Everything I’ve read says go LRT. But my W has been very receptive to my affection and touch. Part of me thinks that if we can spend time together like once a week while separated maybe we can rekindle R. But I guess it’s up to her now.

You start by following the instructions in Divorce Remedy. I want you to understand that if she really is wayward, she may try to keep one foot in both worlds. We call it cake eating. Here's the thing, the H needs to keep his head clear so he can see what she's really doing, rather than what he wants her doing.

I remember working with a couple of young women and observing their relationship. One was married and the other tried to present how cool it was to be single. She kept putting this other girl's life down, telling her she wouldn't put up with her H, etc. So, eventually the M girl got a D, b/c she wanted to have the life she thought this other person had. Later, she got back together with her H........who she really loved. She had just let this other female have too much influence over her. Your W may go through with the S, but it doesn't mean that you'll never R. Hopefully, she will realize what she has lost and will want to R.

I can usually tell right away when there is a WW in the M. But this one.......well, I think between you not filling her emotional needs (LL), and her friend whispering in her ear.......she is being persuaded to leave an unhappy MR. I may be wrong. This may be nothing more than her temp checking., to secure her Plan B. I think you'll find out soon enough, if she starts hitting the bar scene, looking for men. Or, if her new friend turns out to be a guy, and was using a fake name/disguise when texting.

If the separation is to get my undivided attention, how will I know? And how do I react? I think I’ve made it clear that I want to be with her still. Am I supposed to pursue some? Maybe ask her if we can date once a week or something? What do you think?

No, don't pursue. B/c if the separation was intended to get your attention, then she will want you to pursue to get her back. The thing is, you don't want her up leaving at the drop of a hat. We know she already has your undivided attention at this point, but this is the only separation you want to experience.......right? You can express your feelings to us.......but don't share them with her. If she's silly enough to ask you how you feel about her leaving, then honestly tell her that it doesn't make you happy.......but that you will survive. If she asks if you think the two of you will ever reconcile, then I suggest something like, "Who can predict the future? I would never had predicted we would separate". Don't go into a long discussion about your feelings, or your thoughts. The fact that she was asking similar questions right before the move out date, is why I think she has concern and might be trying to use it to open your eyes. If she's involved with some OM, then that's a different story.

Until you hear something that indicates she is shopping around, or is indeed seeing OM, let's take this a day at a time and see how things go. So when interacting with her, don't use tacky behavior. You don't have to be cold, say unkind things, make her the butt of your joke, etc. If you don't pursue her, I think she'll be texting you over the slightest excuse. You can respond if you aren't in the middle of something and have time. Otherwise, she may have to wait for you to respond. If she texts something that has an air of disrespect, then you might consider whether or not you want to interact or respond. As long as she keeps her conversation polite and free of jabs.......then you can respond in a friendly manner. Make her do the pursuing, b/c she's the one that left. Just avoid comments about the relationship, the separation, chance of reconciliation, etc. At least, for now........b/c maybe she needs a little taste of how things would be without your availability. Know what I mean? That's why you can't pursue her, and why you shouldn't initiate contact and/or try to keep the conversation going if she contacts you. You aren't a jerk, but after all, if she doesn't want to live with you.........why would you chase her? If she feels attracted to you, then you can "draw" her back.

For now, I wouldn't initiate calls/texting, unless it is strictly about the child. When interacting in person or over the phone, use your friendly voice. Don't ask her about her social or personal life. Even if she asks about yours (and I think she will), don't pry into her business. Show an upbeat attitude when she's respectfully interacting with you. However, let me make something clear, for any H who doesn't grasp this concept. I've seen some newcomers go way over the top, all in the name of showing his W how upbeat he can be, but he just looked foolish b/c his timing was off. Listen, if your W is upset, angry, or trying to discuss something serious.......that's not the time to act like a clown (unfortunately, some guys think that's the behavior when being upbeat). If she's showing disrespect toward you.......don't act a nut. If she verbally disrespects you, that's not the time to show glee. That's the time to call her out. But if she's not directly disrespecting you, or verbally abusing you, then try to keep your interaction light, short, and with a PMA. Does this make sense?

I don't suggest asking her for a date right away. That is huge pursuit. Give her space and some time to deal with her feelings and let her see how she likes having you out of her life. Although, you won't be completely out, due to the co-parenting the child. Have the two of you set up a parenting schedule? For now, I don't think you need to be running to her place in order to see your son.......if you have a schedule in place. The left behind H will often use it for an excuse to see the other parent, but I think she'll see right through his actions. The first few days and weeks will be tough, but use this time to really polish your character traits, personality, and how to interact with others. If you have flaws when engaging with others, then correct those flaws. Use this time to read books about what women want/need from their H.

Everything I’ve read says go LRT. But my W has been very receptive to my affection and touch. Part of me thinks that if we can spend time together like once a week while separated maybe we can rekindle R. But I guess it’s up to her now.

Have you read MWD's description of the LRT? How do you see LRT? Just b/c you feel she has been receptive to your affection, doesn't mean all lights are flashing green. I suggest you follow MWD's instructions for LRT. I don't think it will hurt your situation. Now when I see a sitch where the H is obviously dealing with a woman who has developed a hard/cold heart.......I usually advise him to get much tougher than the book suggests.

One of the things MWD say about the LRT, is don't schedule dates! She lists other things that come under the heading of Stop the Chase, on page 127. The LBH should adhere to this list, when his W has physically separated from him. Even if your W is separating to get your attention, you don't chase her. MWD says as long as your spouse seems somewhat interested rather than pulling away, then it is okay for the M to be in this holding pattern. I think this is where many H's mess up. It's as if they are fighting the clock, and want to get the W back just as quickly as possible. When she leaves the MR and her H pulls away, it may cause her to have second thoughts and want to return home. However, if you allow her to return and act as if nothing has happened, it will be only a matter of time until you will face the same scenario again. So, pace yourself and cautiously enter back into the MR. If you feel a real sense of commitment from your W to working things out, you can find a solution-based therapist, and MWD lists several tips about finding the right therapist. Just to clarify, she only suggests attending MC after both spouses are committed to working through the issues in the M.

So, I wouldn't worry about how to know if she's S in order to get your undivided attention. You still use the LRT whenever your spouse separates from you.

[Hallzy9]

Hey thanks again sandi,

Yes I guess my dad was like that as well. No BS, and would be pretty firm with my mom sometimes. I don’t believe I have many NGS problems. Yeah I have no trouble standing up to my W and while we joke around a lot, if it ever gets into disrespectful territory I have no problem shutting it down. The part about being affectionate and my W needs is what I need to work on and have been. I’d say the main disrespect she shows me is the criticism which I am working on dealing with. In the past 2 weeks she has been critical of me only like 2 or 3 times so it is getting better. Around BD it was almost constant.

About her WWness, yeah I guess we will wait and see. She is a total homebody. Over the past month and a few weeks since BD I expected her to start going out a lot more with friends. She went out once and that was it. So I imagine if she were to become more WW a sign of that would be her going out way more often. Now that we are S, I’m not sure how I would even know if she is going out more or if there was OM and don’t think it will any good to snoop so I may never know.

Okay understood still no pursuit wether she is WW or not. Our interactions have been really positive the last few weeks. We have laughed a lot and not argued much. I have been good at PMA around her and she also has opened up a lot towards me. No asking her on dates as that is pursuit. My question would be, what if she asks me to come over or to go do something together? I feel that she will.

Yes Sandi we have a parenting schedule and sounds good I will give her time and space without me. I haven’t been initiating text or call. Weeks around BD she did not call or text at all. She slowly began texting me and calling me related to our son. Today she texted me to converse not related to our S for the first time since BD but I will get into that later.

Yes I have read DR and okay I will follow LRT. Thanks again Sandi.

I just want to journal today: So today was the day. W has moved out with MIL. Last night we still did a lot of cuddling and she even watched a movie with me. This morning she got up earlier than normal because MIL was texting her to get ready for move day. After she was up for 20 mins or so she came back to bed and said “I didn’t want to get up I wanted to cuddle for a few minutes.” So she got back into bed and we cuddled.

I loaded my S into her car as per usual and said goodbye. A few hours later while I was at work, W texted me for the first time since BD that wasn’t related to Son. She had found a funny picture while packing and we talked and laughed about it for a few texts. I cut it off by saying I had to get back to work and would talk to her later.

Later in the day I realized needed their set of keys to the house. I asked W and she said she was at her new apt and that I could stop by for the keys. When I got to the door she invited me in to look at the place. We spent a few minutes talking and it was generally pleasant. I noticed she was wearing her wedding ring again which she hasn’t worn for the past 5 days or so. (Supposedly she took it off initially because I had taken mine off first.). I was surprised to see her wearing it but I don’t want to read into it too much.

Got home later thinking I would be pretty sad in the empty house, but I actually felt indifferent. My new roommate/best friend came over and we talked about possible furniture arrangements and stuff. Had a good time. Got hockey tonight, gonna stay busy and stay the course. I guess detaching is going well. Still room for improvement though. More later thanks!

[Hallzy9]

Another quick interaction: W stopped by to grab some things she forgot. She came in and started talking about her day and the stuff she did. She seemed eager to talk with me. I validated when I could and we even joked a little. She asked if I was sad to be all alone in the house. I replied “I’m unhappy you left but I’ll be fine” didn’t try to seem too cocky or sad but just in the middle as per Sandi’s advice. She clicked my phone and said “are you talking to any girls.” I replied “no I’m not talking to other girls”. She then replied “just banging them huh”. I replied that no I wasn’t. She came back to this subject just like Sandi mentioned.

She had brought my S with her and asked me to load him in the car, I agreed. I put my S in and kissed him goodbye. As I was loading him in, my W asked if we could still go to swim class this week. I replied yes. I closed the door and started walking back to the house. I noticed my W had left her car door open and was sitting kind of halfway out, which was strange. So I approached her and she asked again if I was sad. This time I just replied “no I’ll be fine” I asked if she was sad to which she said “no I’m fine”. She then asked for a hug which I gave her.

30 minutes after she left she texted me pictures of our S eating dinner with the message “Son name just wanted to show you what he was eating for dinner”. We sent a few more texts back and forth but I decided not to reply to the last one as it seemed a good time to end the conversation. She sure has seemed to want to talk to me a lot today. That’s it for now.

[LH19]

H,

Wow you love being plan B don't you. She's got you eating out of the palm of her hand.

W: Are you talking to any girls
H: I have some numbers lol

Why are you playing family while she's out sleeping with other men?

If you do not make it clear that she may lose you then you are going to be in for a long painful limbo my friend.