How does one GAL with young kids at home? I don't want to be accused of abandoning the kids to do my own thing. Do I ask H to watch the kids or do I make plans, announce I'm leaving and go?
How old are your kids?
Personally, I think it is extremely rude for one parent to make plans and just assume the other parent will watch the kids. Some GAL activities can include the kids. For the others, I would tell H you have plans on X day at Y time and ask if he will be around to take care of the kids. If yes, great. If not, get a babysitter.
It wouldn't hurt to have a back up plan for if he says he can watch them and then isn't around when you need to leave.
If that happens, I would switch in the future to telling H you are going out and have arranged for a babysitter (although probably better if it's for someone who can watch the kids at his or her house, because it could get awkward if H is home at the same time as the sitter).
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
How does one GAL with young kids at home? I don't want to be accused of abandoning the kids to do my own thing. Do I ask H to watch the kids or do I make plans, announce I'm leaving and go?
How old are your kids?
Personally, I think it is extremely rude for one parent to make plans and just assume the other parent will watch the kids. Some GAL activities can include the kids. For the others, I would tell H you have plans on X day at Y time and ask if he will be around to take care of the kids. If yes, great. If not, get a babysitter.
It wouldn't hurt to have a back up plan for if he says he can watch them and then isn't around when you need to leave.
If that happens, I would switch in the future to telling H you are going out and have arranged for a babysitter (although probably better if it's for someone who can watch the kids at his or her house, because it could get awkward if H is home at the same time as the sitter).
Elementary school age. I understand what you mean, it would be rude. Right now H announces he is running an errand for XYZ reason and he'll be back. He leaves and returns about 1-2 hours later and I'm left at home with the kids.
It's really hard being the 'defauilt' parent, isn't it? I have a bit of resentment myself in that I need to make special arrangements for childcare or for H to be in the house so I can go out at night and GAL, but the assumption is he's a free agent and can do as he pleases unless we specifically arrange this otherwise. I've tried to raise this with him but it hasn't been successful.
What has helped is for me just to imagine that he's totally out of the picture - that he doesn't exist. I make my own plans, arrange my own childcare, and if he does agree to take the kids, I always have a plan 'b'. I don't think he likes that much, but short of stepping up and collaborating with me more fully, that's the way it is. It has helped.
Most of my GAL is with the kids though. We get out and about to all kinds of new places and it doesn't cost much. We've had walks and picnics and trips out to museums and all sorts. I see my friends during the day when they are at school and invite friends to come and see me in the evenings when they are in bed or occupied on their own projects.
As you and your H live together, I don't think there's anything wrong with you just informing him that on thursday night, or whatever, you're going out between 7 and 10pm. If you believe he is safe and trustworthy to look after his children, I think it is perfectly fine to assume that he will do that 50% of the time and that you will have free leisure time as he does. He may well accuse you of abandoning the kids and he may well sulk and give you the silent treatment. So what? He's an adulterer. What does it matter what he thinks of you taking some time for yourself and leaving your children in the care of their loving father?
I think that's such a huge part of detachment. I know when my H first moved out I was terrified of arranging childminders because I knew he didn't like it, and I didn't want to do anything at all he didn't like because I was scared of driving him away. I have a long way to go with detachment, but on this issue he doesn't have a leg to stand on and he knows it. I arrange whatever childcare I need without reference to his opinions because my needs come first and I can't be a good mother to those children if I am in sole charge of them 24/7. I need that time for myself and I will take it. I hope you can get to that place too.
I have two minor kids. Granted they are 12 and 16. However, I make plans with them. Take them to the movies, gokarting, dinner etc. I make a lot of plans that include my kids and also by myself. I make sure my kids spend time with my WW because they need their mom, even if she is the cause of our family being destroyed.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
I have two minor kids. Granted they are 12 and 16. However, I make plans with them. Take them to the movies, gokarting, dinner etc. I make a lot of plans that include my kids and also by myself. I make sure my kids spend time with my WW because they need their mom, even if she is the cause of our family being destroyed.
That is good. My kids are always included in what I do. I can just see H getting mad because I have used the kids as pawns to drive them away from him. He will resent that, even though it's just me and the kids getting out of the house away from him.
I think that's such a huge part of detachment. I know when my H first moved out I was terrified of arranging childminders because I knew he didn't like it, and I didn't want to do anything at all he didn't like because I was scared of driving him away. I have a long way to go with detachment, but on this issue he doesn't have a leg to stand on and he knows it. I arrange whatever childcare I need without reference to his opinions because my needs come first and I can't be a good mother to those children if I am in sole charge of them 24/7. I need that time for myself and I will take it. I hope you can get to that place too.
I totally agree with you, parents need time for themselves. Right now we do everything together as a family.
Had issues with my car last night and H offered ( on his own) to look at it. Today he is going to get a part to fix it. I told him I appreciated it and thanked him in advance.
I'm going to go out this weekend on my own to find something nice to wear for Mother's Day. I'll ask H if he can watch the kids while I go run an errand. Hopefully he will say yes. I guess if he says no, I'll take the kids with me.
Questions about deflecting intimacy....what does one say when WS tries to put the moves on you? I would like to say that I can't because I feel like I am cheating with the OW boyfriend. I know that sounds very harsh, so what's a better way to say no? Or that appropriate wording?
