Well! Interesting day. My boss called me up around lunch time and told me that since it was quiet I should pack up, pick up some beer and head home. He didn't have to tell me twice so I'm home getting a head-start on the monthly full house clean by doing my ironing including my new company shirt. Odd how so many loose threads show up the first time you wash something. A metaphor I suppose
B is off to the marital home this weekend and talked to me for a long time while driving. I think she's stressed but feeling determined. I expect a number of boxes to be deposited in my laundry room possibly on Sunday evening. Talking to her reassured me that there really is no risk of a reconciliation attempt being entertained. I personally expect one to be made even if I believe that she doesn't think so.
Originally Posted by Welcome To Night Vale
When one door closes, another opens. That’s why there are so many raccoons living in your house.
Had a problem with S24 today which is why I'm here. Just want to write this out so that I see it in front of me.
I was enjoying the company mandated beer with the laundry started this afternoon when he came home unexpectedly. The "how was your day" took a turn when he took a breath and admitted that he quit his job recently. He apologized for lying to me about that which I accepted. He said that he was worried about how I would react. He said that he knew in his head how I'd react but had built it up as that I would freak out. For anyone who knows me, that was not my reaction. He knows that I'm disappointed in him for lying and I did accept his apology for that. He knows that I am more upset about the lie than what he was lying about. We discussed his options of which there are many. I did also tell him that he needed to reach out to his mother who I referred to as "someone I don't talk to" as she has lots of contacts or I presume she does. We also talked about him going back to school and both think that since he has nothing specific in mind that it would just be a waste of time and money. There are a number of venues that I have suggested to him in the past and some that he has in mind. I'll need to be positive and encouraging which is Dad-speak for nagging with a smile.
Personally I think that this will be a positive for him. With B progressively and fairly rapidly moving in here it will I hope be part of the encouragement for him to be independent. He absolutely wasn't getting there with the job he had. I reinforced the fact that I wasn't throwing him out and that from my point of view that this changed little. He can continue to cover the non-existent rent, he's got a fair amount of savings. I did suggest that he certainly could and perhaps should consider moving and specifically mentioned the village where his mother lives. There are more companies there and she could probably have an "in" presuming that she is still on friendly terms with everyone.
Le sigh.
I think I've done the right thing. I "am" too easy on him - we all know this including him. I do feel though that I am modeling to him what my vision of family is. You accept and support your family. Don't let them run roughshod over you. Lies are never necessary. I blame his mother for that last bit as she would lie regularly to smooth the path in front of her.
Back to my ironing.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
You might recall my S22 recently quit his farming/trucking job. So I’ll pass on my learnings, such as they are.
Quitting is a big decision for them. It is taking control of their life. And it not in a way that you or I would do it. Egad! Quitting a perfectly fine and paying job without another one in place.
Go with his decision (you don’t have much choice anyhow). I mean discover his reasoning and celebrate it with him. Seriously, he felt strongly enough to quit, so it must be big for him. Let him know you support him. Encourage!
My son also was hesitant about telling me. He was contemplating a big change in life and didn’t know how to break the news to me or himself. This is a huge step for a young adult. See just how big a scope of change he is considering and encourage it, even expand on it. Trust this, he made the first step and is looking for support and guidance even if he doesn’t know that.
My son, after the dust settled, quit, moved out to city 2 hours away, with no job, rented an apartment, even bought a whisk , found a job (lot less money than previous job), and is happy.
Sons, young adult children, they aren’t looking for money, stability, or things we would look for - they are looking for themselves. Help them find it.
I am, as of last night, doing the same thing with S18. He is wanting to quit his local grocery store job and get a full time job in city where university is located. Work for the summer, and then of course live in that city and go to university. That’s a big step in his life.
Listen and encourage their plan.
I’m pretty sure you had this figured out. Just assuring and encouraging you.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
You're a good dad. One question though - why did he quit?
Originally Posted by DnJ
Listen and encourage their plan.
I’m pretty sure you had this figured out. Just assuring and encouraging you.
Thank you both.
S24 when he first told me he was wanting to quit back in December said that the main reason was that his boss constantly put him down and belittled him, telling him he was stupid etc. With S24's pride and temper - very like his mother's - this was hard for him to take. So it wasn't a huge shock to me.
I do think that this may well along with the "B situation" inspire him more to put himself out there. I do actually hope that his mother steps up and more actively helps him. Doing this on my own is much more difficult. Even though I don't have to do much active parenting, I have an even larger amount of respect for the single parents out there. When I mentioned that I was wondering where we would put the bunkbed set that B has for visiting grandkids, he suggested that his room may be available shortly. We'll see.
He has a fair amount of money in the bank, numerous marketable skills, there's still a labour shortage here where if you can fog a mirror you can get a job. If he makes an effort, he can do this and he knows that I am behind him cheering him on. I did mention that the brewery which is a slightly shorter walk than where he was working may well need someone especially since the owners are not well and it's coming in to the busy season.
Off to get my hair cut and errands and fresh flowers. I heard from B - she's working through things and sounded very positive.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Exhausted after a busy weekend. My boss sent me home early on Friday - it was a quiet day and for a change I took him up on it - and got my ironing done.
Busy weekend. I bought a new basic charcoal BBQ and assembled it late Saturday - sausages for supper. Lots of cleaning was done as it was the first weekend of the month. On Sunday I got my grass cut for the first time this year and noticed that my rhubarb seems to be coming in fairly strongly - I was worried as it didn't do well last year after I divided it the prior fall. I did steaks (in the broiler) with baked potatoes and a mushroom gravy that I'm getting good at for Sunday supper. S24 was out with 20S but came home in time for dinner which I appreciated.
My flower beds have been cleaned out and I took off the top 4" of soil and mixed it in with fresh compost from the bottom of the compost barrel. Lots of egg-shells that haven't broken down so I made sure everything was well mixed. It's surprising in some ways how little actual composting seems to have been done in the barrel but I think that much of what I see above the bottom 8" or so was actually from this past winter. I planted some sunflower seeds from the bird feeder. One of those grew accidentally a few years ago into a cute little miniature sunflower so I've been doing it on purpose now. Odd how the commercial sunflowers are so different from what you would normally see.
I did get out on Sunday for soup at the cafe and mentioned to my friend there that B is moving in which made her squeal and run over and give me a giant hug which was very unexpected. She's not a hug sort of person generally.
One of my neighbours - my ex's boss in fact - asked me if I'd gotten a new car and I said no - I have a friend who stays over from time to time. Didn't seem to phase her at all.
20S did come by on Sunday afternoon, gave me a big hug and went through none of her stuff. Shortly after she left picking up S24, B drives in.
It's weird how B is so relaxed and on good terms with her STBX. I did have a part of me that was concerned that she would go up and not come back but she does seem to have cut that cord. I do think that this trip did her a lot of good as a sort of "goodbye" to that place and that life. She even mentioned that her little dog - while happy to see her was much more attached to her STBX than her.
Stuff's getting real. We loaded a half-dozen boxes of stuff in to the laundry room. The moving in is beginning. It's somewhat terrifying. We then sat out in the back yard and chatted for a while both about her weekend and about the future. It's weird how in many ways neither of us are as heavily invested in "making it work" as might be expected. B talks openly about the fact that if after a few months it's not working that she'll go off on own her separate way. And I'm ok with that. Is this perhaps a more normal healthy dynamic for a mature relationship? I don't know. She did say that she wants to pay her own fair share and I got a bit more idea of what sort of financial mess she is in. My take was that we would wait to see what extra costs are incurred by her being there and go from there. My plan isn't to have her contribute to the mortgage / pay rent etc. Those costs are modest and fixed regardless of who is in the house. Certainly co-mingling of finances is very not on the table.
The fact is that I've gotten pretty used to living alone for the last 3 years. I'm a creature of routine and stability. I'm going to have to be flexible as new routines are established. B is staying over from Tuesday evening through Thursday morning. She doesn't want to be at the house when I'm not there and so this works. I expect that this will be the routine for the next while. This coming weekend she has one of her grandkids with her and there is birthday party and mother's day stuff so she probably will be living out of her apartment still. She and her son have given notice that they are moving out. So yeah - stuff's getting real.
I suppose that it's only reasonable that I'm nervous about all this. And the end of June is coming up FAST even if she waits until then to fully move in.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I'm excited for you and B, how things are progressing. I get what you are saying about neither of you being heavily invested in "making it work". I felt that same thing with Sparky early on. I liked him and he liked me, but I was not so all consumed with him that I thought oh my, if this doesn't work, I'm done for. It was nice to be able to just relax and enjoy the early stages that led us to where we are now without the pressure of having to label stuff and have all these serious talks and such. Our relationship evolved naturally without us having to stress and I think that may likely be something that happens when a more mature couple begins dating. I think that we are not in as big a hurry to "settle down" because we already did that. I mean, Sparky and I are waiting a year to get married, basically, after we dated for an entire year. There's no rush. We know we are going to be together. We know we love each other. We know we want to get married. It will all happen in its own time, but there is no urgency involved because we are not having kids or anything like that. Maybe that is kind of what you and B are going through as well.
Sparky and I were JUST joking this past weekend that the best part of our current status is that we have not once been asked "so when are y'all planning on having kids?" Been there, done that, got the t-shirts!
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Today's the big day. And yes, I'm stressing about the most minor of things like B wanting coffee first thing in the morning and the fact that the cats will probably be demanding to be fed as she does it. She's just staying a couple of nights this week - not sure what the plans are for the weekend as there is some unrelated turmoil at Chez B that have changed her original plans of being busy there. I do expect her to be spending at least a good part of Sunday with her kids as it will be Mother's Day here. An event that I no longer recognize as my own mother passed many years ago and my kids mother isn't part of my life.
I do personally believe that any relationship that S24 has with his mother is a pretty superficial one and that the odds are good that she has no idea that he's quit his job. I'm even suspecting that he won't be seeing his mother on Mother's Day. I did read back to last year and he did spend the afternoon with her then.
Which leads me to today's question. I'm struggling with this one.
I'll be sending my ex her monthly payment probably on Saturday which as an e-transfer includes the opportunity to include a note. The respondent can also send a note but other than once when I "poked the bear" last August on what would have been our 29th anniversary she never responds - not even with a "thanks".
I'm thinking of including beyond the usual "Spousal Support May 2019" something like "If you could encourage and assist S24 with his job search it would be greatly appreciated". I'm not intending to open a dialogue and I don't want to offend S24 by bypassing him to get to his mother. Keeping my nose out of it though means that not all of the resources that could be brought to bear to help S24 achieve his own goal of being independent.
Thoughts?
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I wouldn't add that note at this time. I would give your son just a wee bit more time to find a new job. If your son spends some time with his mother this Sunday, he may very well tell her that he quit his job. Continue to encourage him. I do not think his mother is in the best possible spot at the moment to help him. If she were, she would have been encouraging him to get his driver's license.
Hang in there!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Totally agree with job. DO NOT SAY ANYTHING. Andrew, my dear sweet man, your son is TWENTY-FOUR not 4 or even 14. He's no longer a child so whatever he does or does not tell his mother is between the 2 of them. While you will always be linked to her because of your children, you are no longer tied together, so quit worrying yourself with whatever is going on with he and his mother. She may or may not be in a place to help him and even if she is, he may not take it so well from her, but again, that is between them and you need to let that be. At this point, your ONLY obligation to her is spousal support. You are not required to do anything where your son is concerned. At what point do you step back and let S24 take the responsibility for his own independence instead of trying to navigate it for him? If he asks for help and you can give it, give it. If he doesn't, let him figure it out. I say all of that knowing that is not in your nature, but seriously, you are a great dad, but you can't continue to do it for him or he will never gain independence.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
