Provided you DB correctly, you will get to where AS talks about. It is a long hard road. Again, its a marathon and not a race. Allow yourself to feel, but don't react to what she does or show her your emotions. It hurts. But you will eventually get to the point where you see her from a different perspective. You deserve so much better than someone who is willing to put you to the side for their own selfish desires.
She isn't going to just snap out of it and come back. She has to first recognize her own issues, acknowledge them, work on them and then want to come back. Nothing you do will change that. But yes you can shine that light back on the path for as long as you want. That doesn't mean you accept being plan B. You got this. Just keep focusing on yourself.
One of the big wake-up calls for some WWs is the realization that to the OM they are just a piece of meat. That the OM is able able and willing to move on to the next piece of meat. A lot of times as soon as the WW, after the LBH has confronted them, starts putting the pressure on the OM for a bigger commitment, and the OM moves on. SOMETIMES that will wake them up.
My WW hasnt realized yet but she will in time realize that OM is married and is not going to D his wife for her. Too bad for her. Too late for her as well.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
Everyone has their line in the sand SoTorn. I know its painful but I've hit that point with all of my relationships that "I would rather be alone for the right reasons than with someone for the wrong ones" as scary as being alone is. I'd rather be a man and move on once that line or trust is breeched. I hope you find contentment in yourself, and in someone else in the future.
GAL last night. Came home after bedtime. Up now and its funny to me this morning how shes as far on the edge of the bed as possible. It hurts but Im not sure I want her back myself. We have our anniversary night coming up. Im excited about the restaurant, but not excited about sitting across the dinner table from her and picturing OM depositing his seed into her. Not to be too forward, but its revolting enough and this might just be my line. I might still go depending on how things play out. If she knew that I knew about the affair I'd definitely cancel.
She put a lot of effort into talking to me and trying to plan fun stuff with me and asked if she could go with me to the store yesterday. I just don't even read into it anymore.
Either way ill GAL tonight. Shes got a work event with OM anyways.
Last edited by oops13; 05/07/1910:54 AM.
May: discover PA April: MC pending IC, back in MBR, discover EA March: different bedrooms, IC Jan 19: ILYBINILWY
It is widely viewed as a bad idea to share the MBR with a spouse that is in an active affair. I would seriously consider doing this:
- The afternoon before the anniversary dinner put all of her things out of the MBR. When she gets home and protest simply say "I am not stupid. I know what is going on. And until there are changes I refuse to share the MBR with you." When she freaks out, listen and validate.
- Get ready for dinner the next night. And go enjoy a nice dinner at the restaurant by yourself. If she brings it up before hand simply say: "You are welcome to go to dinner by yourself." Then listen and validate.
ACTIONS, not words. Notice, you don't discuss her moving out of the MBR, you move her out. You don't discuss not doing the anniversary dinner, you just don't do it. If she confronts over it, be short, blunt, to the point with your answers. Then listen and validate.
Feel free to deflect questions. "I need to consider that before I can give you an answer. There is a lot to process." But when she is just venting or going off. Listen. And validate. Study the validation thread and have validating statements at the ready. Also, be the one to end it. "I am sorry you are upset, but I have to go."
Don't keep sharing a bed with a cheater. And certainly don't take a cheater to dinner!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
We have our anniversary night coming up. Im excited about the restaurant, but not excited about sitting across the dinner table from her and picturing OM depositing his seed into her.
There's not really any point in continuing this charade. If you know 100% that she's having an A and she's still pretending she wants to work on things, then I agree with Steve that it's time to put a stop to it. Calmly tell her you know about her A and that there will be no dates, no anniversary celebrations, and no pretend marriage anymore. She will deny and when she does you simply tell her not to make it worse with more lies and deception and then WALK AWAY. When she wants to know your "proof" just tell her it's enough that you know and that's all that matters. DO NOT get drawn into a defensive position, or into an R talk. Make your statement and leave the room or even the house. This will be a tough thing to do but this situation will eat at you like a cancer until you make a stand.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
