Gordie 23 one year after she dropped the D

[Gordie]

One Art
BY ELIZABETH BISHOP
The art of losing isn’t hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn’t hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother’s watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn’t hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn’t a disaster.

—Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan’t have lied. It’s evident
the art of losing’s not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

[Gordie]

One Art—look what I found! It’s like a Rosetta Stone for your posts. Love it!



Journaling



Reconnection

More time together

More communication

More non sexual contact

More sexual contact


Conflict

There are some persistent areas of conflict

Where we are not on the same page

I accept that we are not on the same page

She wants me to change


Criticism

Sometimes it is warranted

Sometimes it is not

Mole hills quickly become mountains

I do my best to de escalate


Sorrow

Persistent sadness about her life

Dreams that have died

What could have beens

Envy towards others


Loneliness

She burned bridges with old friends

And she is no longer hanging with the new friends

One close friend moved away

One MLC friend remains


GAL

I am healthy

Kids are slowly getting better

Work is good

I am enjoying my life

[OneArt]

Yes Gordie, my favorite poem by my favorite poet. This was my favorite from the time I met my husband (19/20). It is almost like an omen. It should have been a warning to me of what would come. If you like Bishop, read Invitation to Miss Marianne Moore (another poet and her hero). The word play in that poem is absolutely striking and awe-inspiring.

And here is one for you dear Gordie and the role you have mastered so well (The Lighthouse by Longfellow):

The rocky ledge runs far into the sea,
And on its outer point, some miles away,
The Lighthouse lifts its massive masonry,
A pillar of fire by night, of cloud by day.

Even at this distance I can see the tides,
Upheaving, break unheard along its base,
A speechless wrath, that rises and subsides
In the white lip and tremor of the face.

And as the evening darkens, lo! how bright,
Through the deep purple of the twilight air,
Beams forth the sudden radiance of its light
With strange, unearthly splendor in the glare!

Not one alone; from each projecting cape
And perilous reef along the ocean's verge,
Starts into life a dim, gigantic shape,
Holding its lantern o'er the restless surge.

Like the great giant Christopher it stands
Upon the brink of the tempestuous wave,
Wading far out among the rocks and sands,
The night-o'ertaken mariner to save.

And the great ships sail outward and return,
Bending and bowing o'er the billowy swells,
And ever joyful, as they see it burn,
They wave their silent welcomes and farewells.

They come forth from the darkness, and their sails
Gleam for a moment only in the blaze,
And eager faces, as the light unveils,
Gaze at the tower, and vanish while they gaze.

The mariner remembers when a child,
On his first voyage, he saw it fade and sink;
And when, returning from adventures wild,
He saw it rise again o'er ocean's brink.

Steadfast, serene, immovable, the same
Year after year, through all the silent night
Burns on forevermore that quenchless flame,
Shines on that inextinguishable light!

It sees the ocean to its bosom clasp
The rocks and sea-sand with the kiss of peace;
It sees the wild winds lift it in their grasp,
And hold it up, and shake it like a fleece.

The startled waves leap over it; the storm
Smites it with all the scourges of the rain,
And steadily against its solid form
Press the great shoulders of the hurricane.

The sea-bird wheeling round it, with the din
Of wings and winds and solitary cries,
Blinded and maddened by the light within,
Dashes himself against the glare, and dies.

A new Prometheus, chained upon the rock,
Still grasping in his hand the fire of Jove,
It does not hear the cry, nor heed the shock,
But hails the mariner with words of love.

"Sail on!" it says, "sail on, ye stately ships!
And with your floating bridge the ocean span;
Be mine to guard this light from all eclipse,
Be yours to bring man nearer unto man!"

[roist]

Gordie, It is helpful to be able to step back and see clearly our own situation. Many cannot achieve that because so much clouds their vision. So good on you.

When BD hits us the LBS knee jerks reaction is to save their great M that thy took for granted. The WAs becomes idolised and something we want more than anything else. She/he is THE one. We then expand our understanding about where we went wrong, the responsibility of both in that. We see all the faults and cracks that were there unseen for years and get a glimpse to what a prefect M would look like. That is what we strive for.

But just like no spouse is perfect, no M is either. I look around at some married couples and think that I am lucky to not have some stuff that they do going on in my M. Imagine that! I am not talking big stuff like cheating or alcoholisme etc, but how they speak to each other or treat each other. Now that my eyes are opened I see a lot more than before and it is shocking the amount of unhealthy interactions we observe if we pay attention.

Why do I say this to you? Because not being perfect is normal for a M. With one spouse not fully committed, evenmoreso. Don't look for perfection. Aim for the best you can and for the moment concentrate on those justified criticisms. Are they correctable and if your M was perfect, would you make the effort to correct them?

Most unjustified criticisms should be let flow off, but not all. A balance needs to be found. Some can be easily ignored as you see they come from her being in a bad place. But don't become an easy target that accepts all hits.

Best wishes

[sjohns6]

Wow! Love that, Roist! That was good for me to hear (read), too!

Hi Gordie! Still here rooting for you!!

[Gordie]

Roist and Sjohn6

Thanks for stopping by

Loved the reminder that no m is perfect

Mine never was

And it never will be

And that is okay

We are all imperfect

And that is okay



Journaling

So one thing that is causing some tension

Is that w says I have been walking on egg shells

Imagine that

That is a fair criticism

But I think I still have a lot of anxiety

I know the answer is relaxing

Being confident

Staying in the moment

But at times I get anxious

When she gets angry or depressed or critical or hides

Is another BD coming

What if this fragile thing

Falls apart again

[roist]

What is the worst that can happen if she does BD you again? What is the worst that will happen if you state your mind and she doesn't like it? Picture the worst and then turn it around to realise that even that isn't so bad.

A year ago you had an appartement lined up and were ready to move out and live without her antics. I am sure a part of that was to end your pain, but surely another part of you saw a good life ahead without W. Something that helped me at similar times, was to imagine my life without W. Honestly it is full of so many possibilities and opportunities. It may not be your first choice but it can be great. Knowing that, can help remove your fear.

2x4 over. It is understandable that you have anxiety and it is even probably due to DB that you are in this situation!!! DB encourages the LBS to hold back, so as to not overload the WAS. And to an extent that still applies to you as W is not fully committed to the M. BUT, recently you decided to take a leap of faith and try a little more to give her what she asked, knowing she isn't fully baked. This is part of that.

In your shoes I would dedicate a bit of my time to looking up communication skills and advice about being more open with your feelings. I am sure that you have read many times that this topic is one of the reasons M's fail in the first place. It is vital in a healthy M. You need to loosen the restrictions of DB to try be more open, confident and yes manly.

I am sure that part of your problem is ingrained in you and isn't due to DB principals, but I am also sure that you can do this. At first it will be uneasy but with practice and time if will become second nature.

So work on the source of your anxiety. understand it and overcome it. Simple words but a big task.

Best wishes

[OneArt]

Gordie, I love you dearly and think you give great help to others, but maybe it would be good to stop reading other threads for a while. There is always so much heartache and a reminder of where you have been, maybe that makes you more fearful or tentative and less able to be in the moment. Just a suggestion.

[sjohns6]

I have to give an amen to roist and OneArt for the comments above. Both really spoke to me. The communication and walking on eggshells issue for me had a lot to do with DB tactics. I used to be an open book for communications. W was the one that didn't really share much on an emotional level. I've realized recently that communications with W will probably be difficult for me to reestablish (if it ever comes to that) because I've gotten so used to not sharing with her for the purposes of not overloading her. It isn't that I would need a class on communications or anything, just that I've grown so used to holding back with her now. I am willing to bet that you (Gordie) are in a similar boat.

And I had to slow down on reading everyone's threads. As I started to regain my confidence and my head started to clear from all the LBS madness, I realized that reading all the threads and seeing all the hurt and torment that my LBS friends were going through was starting to hold me back a little. It is a constant reminder of the torment that I have gone through. And that isn't to say that I'm all the way better, just that I've been on the forums long enough now to pretty much know how to handle the ups and downs I go through without needing to be told. I just ask myself, what would Gordie, DnJ, Gerda, Job, and about half a dozen others say to me in this situation? So, I come here sporadically to keep up with my friends and gain insight where I can from reading about my friends. Like right now.

(((Gordie)))

[roist]

So how are things in Gordieland?

Best wishes