Moving on to the Bright Side Part 23

[TBSakaJ9]

Good to hear that it went well for you. I really almost want to say something to her about it, like tell her it's ok if she wants to. But she doesnt need my permission and I dont want to assume it's about me either so I just assume she will bring it up when she is ready. Until then I guess he will stay upstairs when I drop the girls off.😁

[Maika]

Yeah. Enough time has passed. It's in her court now basically. I mean you can also bring it up if you want, but it seems like you're doing good with it and he's not done anything that would concern you.

Getting back to the Dr. - It looks like you have some healthy skepticism about how things are going and you're in no rush to speed things up. Also looks like you connect on a lotta levels, but maybe that deeper level is still to be explored. I can see that you like her quite a bit, and I wonder when that shifts to being 'in love' with someone.

[TBSakaJ9]

The girls have never mentioned him 2 me one time. My 9 yr old has a phone and can reach me any time she wants so between that and some mutual family friends that they spend a lot of time with I assume if there were any issues they would have come up by now.

I would agree with your summary on the dr. I feel myself getting closer to her, opening up more, and becoming more vulnerable but it has been a slow roll. I am starting to feel less anxiety but it is still there. To her credit she is not rushing things either and I dont feel her pressuring me as well. I am not sure when the love kicks in, i guess it depends on the person. The big difference between her and me is that she was not the LBS so I assume of you are the one that wanted out it might come earlier or you feel more open to it.

I do feel like i can get there but it will come slower for me.

[TBSakaJ9]

Just to add though that all this is essentially because I am scared which I think is causing me to fight my feelings. The DR. is not someone that wants to casually date, she wants a R and I also assume MR at some point (I say that but don't read into it that I am thinking that). Knowing what she wants is what the scary part is as she has never portrayed herself as someone that just wants to hook up, casually date or go out a couple of times and fade to black.

Truthfully it's about everything I could ever want which is why I think it scares the hell out of me. I could write out a list of what I like but I will spare you the details. So I get some pretty good anxiety before I meet her especially if it has been a few days but then once we are together for an hour or so and I feel like I am connected back with her it goes away and I have fun. Even though we chat throughout the day via text and usually one call at night going 5 or 6 days without seeing is challenging.

I spent the night at her place on Saturday night so I woke up with her Sunday morning and then I saw her at the gym for an hour or so yesterday as well. She said I could come over last night after her son went to bed but I declined as I was tired (I don't sleep good at her place), it was the first night I didn't have my girls in a week and I just wanted some peace and quiet, plus I just spent the night with her the day before (had sex multiple times) so I was just wanting to go to bed early so I could get up for the gym this morning. Maybe that made her mad IDK but I just didn't want to so I will see her on Wednesday. The old J probably would have sucked it up though and went over but I wasn't feeling it so I did what I wanted to do. Truthfully I am really glad that I am not all spun up and can remain objective.

Finally I will say that it is not easy transitioning from being hard wired to 1 person for 17 years to being open and getting used to someone that is completely different. Different in how they walk, how they look, how they talk, the sounds they make in bed, what they like, their quirks, etc. etc. etc. I am a analyzer and a thinker though so it could just be hard on me based on how I am wired.

[AndrewP]

Hey there J9 - I think we are in a very similar situation these days.

I am not sure when the love kicks in, i guess it depends on the person. The big difference between her and me is that she was not the LBS so I assume of you are the one that wanted out it might come earlier or you feel more open to it.

I do feel like i can get there but it will come slower for me.

It's certainly not something you want to force or fake. For me, it's something that I feel growing inside me each time we're together or when we talk. It ebbs and flows. I do know that B is feeling it very strongly or at least so it seems and like your Dr she was the one that walked out on her terms. Trusting so much that you can release those feelings I think is tough for you and I and is certainly part of my own issue.

Finally I will say that it is not easy transitioning from being hard wired to 1 person for 17 years to being open and getting used to someone that is completely different. Different in how they walk, how they look, how they talk, the sounds they make in bed, what they like, their quirks, etc. etc. etc. I am a analyzer and a thinker though so it could just be hard on me based on how I am wired.

Funny this. I was married for 10 years more than you. B went to great lengths this past weekend to say that we need to learn each other and then smelled my hair for a while. I don't think that I've ever dissapointed her but I've certainly surprised her as we learn about each other. She's also been very clear that she is not looking to replace my ex nor me her's but make something new. One very wise thing she said as well was that in time that I won't even be able to remember those little things you mention about my ex and she's right. I have to really reach for that and it's mostly not there - but again - I've been alone for longer than you as well.

[TBSakaJ9]

A....we are on the same journey I agree. Ebb and flow is very accurate. I feel the same way about the DR. I am drawn to her, think about her very often and the DR is feeling very strongly about me as well. I feel the feelings slowly release but it is taking me some time. I am very nervous at first when we initially meet up but once we are out and about I feel more comfortable and then after we are together for several hours it is very easy.

The DR and I have really not had many deep conversations so she has not said anything wise to me like that. I credit the board with helping me process my emotions, realizing they are only temporary, and understanding that while I have not been with my XW in almost 2 years it is a process. I am finding myself starting to reach for those memories but some memories are still there. I guess I just need to be patient with myself and I am extremely grateful that the dr has been patient with me. She has not pushed me 1 bit and has only recently brought up her being my girlfriend. So far she has played it perfectly.

I would like to move out of the questioning my feelings phase of the R into the I no longer question how I am feeling. The thing is I know I like her and enjoy spending time with her however I am still stuck in the ebb and flow. I would also love to show up and not be nervous, I would love to get out of my head and not let those feelings override my excitement and joy.

So yes A I feel you!!

[DonH]

I really almost want to say something to her about it, like tell her it's ok if she wants to. But she doesnt need my permission and I dont want to assume it's about me either so I just assume she will bring it up when she is ready. Until then I guess he will stay upstairs when I drop the girls off.😁

Maybe I'm not remembering this accurately - something I've been noticing has been happening more and more lately, I'm guessing from my head injury from 10 years ago (I'm watching it so no medical advice is need) anyhow if I'm correct did you not tell your ex W you DO NOT want to hear ANYTHING about BF - or something close to that statement? I thought you did and if you did, to me it's obvious she is trying to honor that for you. Again, if correct, I think it's difficult for her and perhaps not fair to the kids as I'm betting she told them, don't talk about BF to daddy.

If I'm correct, I think you really do need to reassure her that at this point it's okay. It is what it is and ex W aside, I think it would be easier on your kids. Absent of you telling her not to bring him up she would not need your permission but she sorta does now - unless I'm totally wrong about this having been said by you, in which case place another mark in the checkbox of the TBI awerness monitor.

[TBSakaJ9]

You are right DH I did tell her that about a year ago. I guess I just assumed she would have revisited it with me if she really wanted him to be around.

[TBSakaJ9]

Well so far we have not been able to find the time to do normal stuff during the day. Her son is 7 and she has him mon-fri so that rules out anything during the week outside of me going over to her place after he goes to bed. Since I dont have my girls this week I did go meet her at the gym last night for some cardio but she had to get home because of her son.

I did have a convo last night with my xw about bringing her bf around. I told her that I didn't have an issue with it and obviously he is a part of their lives. The way she responded indicated that I was not the reason and something else was going on which is why he doesn't come around. Anyway she said thank you for telling her what I did. So the door is open now if I was the reason why but it doesnt sound like I am.

[Dawn70]

Well so far we have not been able to find the time to do normal stuff during the day. Her son is 7 and she has him mon-fri so that rules out anything during the week outside of me going over to her place after he goes to bed. Since I dont have my girls this week I did go meet her at the gym last night for some cardio but she had to get home because of her son.

At the risk of getting totally flamed and bashed by the entire DB board, I'm just going to ask the question that keeps popping into my mind over the past week in reading your posts. Let me say, before I ask, that I'm NOT surprised that the Dr. referred to herself as your girlfriend without so much as a conversation. I said before that I didn't think that there would necessarily be some huge R talk. I'm not saying there won't ever be one, because if it does get super serious and start down the marriage road, of course y'all will talk, but to get to the exclusive "girlfriend/boyfriend" stage didn't seem to require a talk. Maybe I'm weird or wrong or different, but I think sometimes we (in general) get too wrapped up in having these serious talks when it may or may not be beneficial.

So, now that I wandered off the garden path, here is the question......you keep referring to doing "normal" (what the h3ll is "normal" anyway) stuff and how y'all don't have time to do it and all you do have time for is going to her house for "indoor Olympics" and other such colorful phrases. Why can't you just go to her house after her son goes to bed and just sit and talk or watch a movie or play cards or listen to music or cook a late dinner together or whatever else strikes your fancy? Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying sex isn't a good way to spend time. An active sex life is a BIG part of a relationship. But, sometimes your posts sound kind of like that is really all y'all have in common....that you love sex. Again, not a bad thing because it is fun and I get that y'all are in the early stages of your relationship so sex is an even bigger part of it than usual, but it doesn't have to JUST be about sex. I know you have mentioned the Dr. was in a sexless marriage and even said you feel like she's making up for lost time, so to speak, and all of that is fine if it is what works for you. I'm sure I'm assuming and mind-reading, but it is almost like, sometimes, your posts seem a little melancholy that going over for a late night bedroom visit is all you have time for. So, take it out of the bedroom and make it about something else.

Someone said to you in a post in the last few days (Ginger, I think) that dating now is very different from dating in your late teens and 20's. And, it is likely even more different for people like me and Andrew who are a little farther down the road in terms of years walking this Earth, but dates don't have to be a production. They can just be about quality time with each other and quality time doesn't even mean you have to DO anything other than be present with and for each other. Now, again, if y'all just want them to be about sex, then just disregard this entire post and roll on, but if you truly want to do "normal" things, then just do them with what time you do have. Sparky and I have a great time just sitting and talking and I don't necessarily know that we have "deep" talks, but we can talk for hours about any number of topics. We had a lengthy conversation recently about gardening, prompted by a question his mother asked him to ask me. Sure, we go to concerts and go to movies and go on actual "dates", but we also just hang out and watch movies at home or go for walks. We are about to start working in the yard because I have some stuff I want to get done and he offered to help when I was talking about it. I'm sure everything is much more difficult when you have relatively young children in the mix. I never had that particular issue. I seriously dated a guy one time who had sole custody of his young daughter so it was either do things that included her or not date him pretty much and so much of our time together was kid-centered and it was fun. Y'all are not at the kid-centered stage yet, I understand, so you have to fit stuff in when and where you can.

And now that I have totally written a book on your thread, let me make it a little longer by saying this about your dilemma the other day about if the Dr. was mad at you because you didn't want to go over to her house the other night after her son went to bed. If she was truly mad about that, she is very selfish and that should be a red flag to you. It says that she thinks her time is valuable, but yours isn't. You were honest with her about why you didn't want to come and that should be enough. If she was just disappointed because she wanted to spend time with you but was understanding that you wanted a little "down time", then that is a whole other thing. Mad and disappointed are two entirely different things. Just my two cents.........................