And I am not sure how important it is to me, or why. I don't want to set him a test then use his failure to give me what I want in exactly the way I want it to prove to myself he's not committed, not trying, and too selfish to want to make the effort for. I don't want to use his shortcomings as an excuse to get out of working on my own. And I don't want my encouragement of him - which he's asked for - to be transactional - I'll only text you in the morning if you text me at night. I suspect he's worried about that too. He did use the word 'currency' to describe it when he was angry last week.
I don't know what else I'd ask for, to be honest. The state things are in between us, my asking for something means he is suddenly unwilling or unable to do it consistently and him giving me something I actually asked for makes me doubt it actually comes freely and lovingly from him. That's the state we're in at the moment - the utter lack of trust on both sides.
So I really do think the only healthy thing I can do is send the encouragement and work on myself. He knows I was unhappy in our relationship as it was, he knows why I was unhappy and what I wanted to see change, and he knows I am working on my own changes. What he does in response to all or any of that is up to him but I do know I want to see him do it without managing or manipulation from me. And I am not sure he's ready to respond assertively and honestly to an honest and assertive request from me.
That's fair enough, if only for the transactional thing. Leave it for now and see what happens. Maybe trust right now is you sending the encouraging texts without expectations. And maybe in future you will be able to ask for things and have him come through (he has for family counselling, after all...)
Yeah. And me basically not complaining about him not giving enough will be a 180. And it doesn't mean I need to get back into an R where I am not receiving what I need. At the moment, we're not in an R. He says he wants to work on the marriage, and I am making the changes I want to make and watching if his actions match his words. I'm also aware I don't look at his actions with a generous or loving or detached eye most of the time, especially not this morning. And while I am in that mood, it is probably best to do nothing. Which is also a 180
Just journalling. Saw H on Wednesday - and it was fine. I didn't mention anything about the messages or lack of them, and he was a bit cool with me at first but then relaxed and we had a nice chat with the kids, ate as a family then I went out to GAL for a couple of hours with women friends he doesn't know. He asked me what I was up to and I kept it vague and friendly, 'just seeing a few ladies for cake and coffee.'
I asked him a few weeks ago if he was coming to the house to spend time with the kids in the evening would he not bring whisky with him (he's not an alcoholic, but he does drink when stressed and he's an unpleasant and argumentative drunk and I'm never going to tiptoe around my own front room when he's drunk and glowering in a corner ever again). I've never mentioned it since asking that one time, and he's never done it since, and didn't on Wednesday, so I am glad about that.
Seems like he enjoyed spending time with both kids, and Eldest seemed happy to have spent that little bit of time with him. So that was good news and I am really glad that no matter what happens or doesn't happen with us, that the kids have been able to have that easy warm contact with him without me around and that the Eldest was included. I think it might also break the ice a bit for the family therapy session, which is this weekend and which I feel a bit less anxious about, as I've decided just to listen as much as I can.
He stayed for a little bit afterwards - we needed to discuss putting some parental controls on the internet, which I've changed, and how to handle something I'd found on a computer Youngest had been using. I felt he was being really supportive and not blaming me, which is new and I felt good about that. He mentioned again wanting to work on things, and I said I hoped we got to that place but I struggled to trust him right now. He said he'd be surprised if I did trust him at this point, and we left it there - very naturally and without hard feelings.
He mentioned again wanting to work on things, and I said I hoped we got to that place but I struggled to trust him right now. He said he'd be surprised if I did trust him at this point, and we left it there - very naturally and without hard feelings.
You are handling these interactions really well! Do you think he's being genuine about working on things? Is he in IC?
When I am feeling compassionate I can see that he has been as miserable as I’ve been and he’s been hurt and disappointed too. I’ve been able to use the separation to process some of that but he’s had to concentrate on this project - and that’s just the way it is. So I can believe it’s his hope and intention to work on things and he knows that involves taking responsibility and making changes but he can’t do it yet and he’s been pretty consistent in that message.
When I am feeling afraid it just feels like more of the same - for a long time I have pursued him hard to take responsibility, be honest and make some changes. I forced him into MC. He’s always had some excuse as to why he couldn’t do that - either blame, evasion or delay. I worry he’s just buying time because he doesn’t want to deal with a divorce and by waving this carrot he thinks he’s pacifying me. He is capable of cruelty and I have been on the receiving end of it from him before.
I don’t trust him partly because he lied to me so easily during the EA and partly because he’s still so withdrawn emotionally. I don’t trust him because I still haven’t seen him show any sustained remorse - he likes to play the victim or admit he has hurt me but I’m worse so have no right to actually be hurt. And I don’t trust him because I find it hard to really trust anyone and that’s my childhood stuff - I own it and I am working on it but I’m not there yet.
I guess at the moment I just have to accept I don’t trust him, work on myself and see what he does when he’s free to make whatever choices he likes without me pursuing him. I do need to decide what actions he’d need to take for me to be able to get on board with piecing and I don’t know what I want to see from him or what that would look like yet.
He’s not in IC but has agreed to family therapy with the focus on positive co-parenting and he’s had one session with that therapist alone in order to prep. First family session soon. I invited him but didn’t pressure him and said I’d do it with the kids with or without him, and meant that.
He does need to earn your trust back after the EA, but trust also has to be granted. Maybe remorse from a proud man might be an expectation too far? Could he act remorseful without actually saying it? And hasn't he already said sorry a few times and therefore actually proved he is capable of using those words? You're doing really well, be patient and wait for this work thing to finish I reckon (says me pushing stuff at the worst possible time for dh...) He is showing plenty of positive signs, what I wouldn't give for my dh to take D off the table and talk about working on things. Sigh. Your H certainly is not just talking but acting so far, I suppose you need to work out how long he will have to do 180s to prove his changes are real.
In terms of the EA, I believe him when he tells me he is not in contact with the woman in question any more. I can also understand - in terms of him wanting things that I was not offering at the time - why he'd be tempted. I can see it was a bit of a fantasy and a boost to the ego and while I don't like it, I totally get it - because I have used work (my career has been a bit more sparkly than his, always) to boost my ego in a similar way. It isn't pretty, but I do get it and see those same tendencies in myself expressed in different ways. We did talk about it a lot at the time, and I do believe he was genuinely shocked and saddened by how devastated I was. And I don't think I want to address it with him again - I want to let it pass. I am just insecure. He chased the OW and showed her how keen he was and made himself vulnerable by making it clear how much he wanted her company and interest in a way that I haven't seen him do with me for years. I guess I want some of that, and even though the EA is over, he hasn't yet felt safe enough to do that with me.
The work thing is out of the ordinary and has a definite end date and I am prepared to be patient and reserve final judgement on it all until then. I don't know how much longer after that I will wait to hear him say, 'okay - yes, I want to work on things and here is what I want to do' or even if it is fair of me to expect or demand that kind of verbal commitment. We are not in piecing and I don't think I am ready for piecing myself yet - but I don't know how I will tell if he is ready.
