Susy... other than our ages, you sound a lot like me. BTW... don’t for a second think you aren’t good enough for him. The truth is that he isn’t good enough for you. Maybe he was once but it sounds like he is far from the person you married right now. You are grieving the loss of who he used to be and who you thought he would be in the future and the future you thought you would have. I should know... I am in the same boat as you. My H and I loved each other immensely but he has spent years quietly resenting me and pretending to be in our marriage when the truth is he was only just biding his time until we could financially afford to split. I, too, want to remember the good times and let him go with love. Certainly...he is never going to be completely gone since we have kids together so there is no room for anger and resentment in my life as that would most certainly impact their’s. I am five months into my separation. My H has, for the most part, been very generous and fair with our separation and our kids. Anyway... I was a complete wreck for the first few months but have been doing a lot better as of late. With acceptance comes peace. Keep working towards that. You will get there in time and look back on how you handled this with pride as you will have been an awesome role model for your daughter.
Sia...what an amazing post. Inspirational, to say the least. You are absolutely right. Only we can make our lives beautiful. I love that image... being the Queen of Now. Awesome!!!
thanks for kind words, its nice to hear that is some kind of hope for the future.
Where i Live its already valentines day, some women get nice flowers i got a nasty letter from his lawyer. I guess that the timing was not an accident. How can hurt her the most?
Took my daughter out for some pizza. she is a lovely kid.
But i have to admit that is a bottle of wine in the fridge, i will have a glass or 2 tonight. My first single valentines day since i am an adult, pretty sure that will not be the last.
Glad you found us. This is a great place for support during this difficult time of your life.
You can't control other people. You can only control yourself and how you respond to others.
Changing your own habits and behaviour is what you need to focus on right now. If you think changing your own behavior is hard, trying to change your husbands behaviour is impossible, so set him free.
I wish you well. Post questions here and you will get great advise.
HUGS
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
i know what does not kill you makes you stronger, but men is difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel right now.
I sat down and read his financial proposal over and over again. And the only think that i can ask is who the Hell is this man?
I have read a lot of posts and i think my ex-partner is winning the worst dad award of the month. I can understand if he stop loving me, but how can he stop caring about about our daughter, he call her 1 in almost 2 weeks for 2m? she just turn 4! Yes he pays the bills and pay "child support" or more survival money for us (the minimum that he can), but what about the rest?
Was him that ask me for children, he was wanting to have some more. how come everything have change so quickly? how come self gratification can be so powerful? who come you can be happy when you hurting your children?
(((Susy))). The communications from lawyers is always a downer. They always come across as nasty. Referring to us as Mr and Ms... how quickly the Mrs. goes away. The statements are so cold and impersonal...like you never meant anything to each other and are now strangers...seemingly overnight. It really, really s#cks and I’m so sorry you are going through this.
How can your H go two weeks without seeing his child? He can because he is 100% self-focused. In time, that may change but right now, he is only thinking about escaping from his marriage and everything it represents to him. It is not about you or your daughter. It is all about him. When things settle down, he may try to connect more. When my H first left, he didn’t see the kids much at all until I contacted him and suggested a visitation schedule. TBH, I’m not sure he felt he had the right to ask for one given everything he had done. Since we agreed on a schedule, he has been good about following through.
A bit anxious today, he is coming and staying in the house for the weekend (to spend time with his daughter), he lives 300 km away.
Normally i spend the night away when comes to visit, but my good friends have family visiting, the hotels are fully booked in town, its a art deco festival happening and its a big deal. So i will have to spend the night at home, i will go out and arrive late, but if its anything like the previous times we will make my life really hard.
He have sent me a financial proposal Thursday, yesterday he had message all day about it, if i have read it and what i think about it. I ignored the messages (we are going trough lawyers) but of course he rang his daughter (convenient, did not rang her all week) and wanted to talk about it. I just said that i have read it, that i will have to have independent advise ( i am not gonna accept) but mention that the figures (value that he have given to the houses) are not very realistic.
In having a meeting with the lawyer next Friday to discuss this proposal, i will not accept it, but also know that he will not accept mine. I do not think that my proposal its unreasonable. I am asking to stay in the house until next may (2020), i would pay half of the mortgage and all the bills (help from family). So my daughter can have some transition period, can go to a decent school, and i can organize my life a bit, after being a stay at home mum for 4 years. Its also a new build in a new development and the value of the house will increase significantly. But he wants to sell as quick as possible so he can start his new life, but if i sell now i can not afford to buy anything in an ok area. Renting is very hard here, expensive and the standard of rentals here are very poor and not many available, like you will have more the 30 people applying for it....and landlords do not like small kids in their property (damage potential). I am not able to raise a mortgage at this point because i am not working and my ability to work is only part-time basis because of child care. I am not looking like a a great client for a bank at the moment.
He earn very well, this will have little impact in his financial life. He is "struggling" a bit now, because he his paying for all of the mortgage, child support, some bills, his new place and off course trying to impress a 22 old girl.
How did you guys dealt with the settlement? how reasonable, unreadable was? What would you do differently?
Note: we get along well if the finances are not discussed. I am able to see him, without having a melt down. But is the stress of this conversations that are getting into me. If i did what he wanted we would be "great friends".
Hi Susy - So sorry that you have find yourself here but, as others have said, you have found the right place. This is the most difficult thing you will ever have to go through, but you will come out the other end stronger. It is the journey that makes us. Keep your head up, stay true to your values and focus on building the best life for you and your daughter. He may come around, he may not, but either way, as long as you stay true to you, you will come to of this the winner.
Originally Posted by susy84
A bit anxious today, he is coming and staying in the house for the weekend (to spend time with his daughter), he lives 300 km away.
Normally i spend the night away when comes to visit, but my good friends have family visiting, the hotels are fully booked in town, its a art deco festival happening and its a big deal. So i will have to spend the night at home, i will go out and arrive late, but if its anything like the previous times we will make my life really hard.
Don't let him. You control you. Smile and be civil, but as long as he has the power to play with your emotions, engage as little as possible. Give short but pleasant answers to any direct questions. Validate, but do not engage in relationship talks, even if he initiates. You are not ready yet and he is (as you say) still in la la land. If he is anything like my H was at the start, he will temp check, then turn anything you say against you.
Going out is good - but you will need to go home at some point, so when you are home, try and busy yourself in other rooms. It will be hard. I hear my children in the living room or the dining room laughing and enjoying time with their dad, and I want to be with them and feel guilty for not being with them, but I force myself to be busy elsewhere - doing the laundry, cleaning the kitchen, painting or meditating in my room. Whatever you do, don't hover.
Originally Posted by susy84
He have sent me a financial proposal Thursday, yesterday he had message all day about it, if i have read it and what i think about it. I ignored the messages (we are going trough lawyers) but of course he rang his daughter (convenient, did not rang her all week) and wanted to talk about it. I just said that i have read it, that i will have to have independent advise ( i am not gonna accept) but mention that the figures (value that he have given to the houses) are not very realistic.
From what you have posted, he will definitely want to talk about this. Don't. Just say "I am still reviewing it and will get back to you". If he keeps pushing/digging just keep repeating "I haven't had a chance to read it properly yet. I will let you know". Do not run your proposal by him until you have spoken to your lawyer and have all your ducks in a row. No matter how reasonable you think your proposal is, he will find it unreasonable. That is just the nature of the beast you are dealing with. As soon as you let him make this weekend about the divorce, you will end up in an argument. If you have to tell him something like "This weekend is not about you and me. It is about you spending time with our daughter. I want to make it as pleasant for her as possible. Let's talk about the divorce once the weekend is over".
Originally Posted by susy84
How did you guys dealt with the settlement? how reasonable, unreadable was? What would you do differently?
It is different for all of us and depends on our individual sitch's, whether children are involved, and mostly how reasonable (or not) our spouses are being. If you're talking just financial settlement (i.e. splitting of assets), then I think be fair and be reasonable. Go with your conscience - you are the one who is going to have to look in the mirror and know that you acted with dignity. Look after yourself and look after your daughter but remember, that underneath the alien he has become, is the man you once loved. You built a home and filled it with hopes and dreams. He shared those hopes and dreams too. Plus, you have a daughter together which means he will be a part of you life for a long time to come. The decisions you make today will form the foundations of the life you lead tomorrow. Let those decisions be guided by your better angels.
Originally Posted by susy84
Note: we get along well if the finances are not discussed. I am able to see him, without having a melt down. But is the stress of this conversations that are getting into me.
See above re not engaging. "this weekend is about you spending time with our daughter. Let's talk about it once the weekend is over" then walk away before he can answer.
Originally Posted by susy84
If i did what he wanted we would be "great friends".
Of course he does, they al live in this weird world where they get everything they want and we can all be 'great friends'.
Good luck. Come back here if it gets too much. There is always someone who will understand and listen. We have all been where you are and you are doing great.
not a good weekend for me, i messed up a bit (lot).
Saturday managed to ok, avoiding his conversations about finances, went out , looked very good, had fun, arrive late Sunday all good until 4 pm, went for lunch with some friends had a few more glass of wine that i should. Got criticized by a friend, that i should just try to negotiate with him and do not involve lawyers that will only drain our finances and i should not be greedy). Arrived home crying and looking like a mess. ask him to look after our daughter and went to the bedroom. He nook on the door and went done hill from there.
I criticized him form being a crap daddy, for not putting his daughter 1st, for choosing to live so far away, asking him where he want me to live with his daughter, etc.
He took advantage of the fact that i was a bit emotional and try to talk about the financial settlement, i give him the impression that i would not accept his proposal and i was ready to go all the way if necessary (court). But give him some information that i should not have, stuff that he did not have taught about it and could be a disadvantage for him.
We spoke for 3 hours and to be honest i am not sure about what. Not to much about our relationship, was basically about our daughter and my need to provide a roof over her head, for him to stop being a d@@.
During the weekend he keep saying how poor he is, and that needs to put the house in the market as soon as possible, etc.
So today, i have a bit of a headache and i am embarrassed about my behavior and the fact that a walk 1km back instead of 1 step forward.
So after he left i send him this text, kind of an apologize without saying sorry.
"did no expect this to happen and i did not dealt with this situation the best way. will not happen again. i will keep it very professional between us. we are not friends and i will keep that in mind. we just need new arrangements for F., because what ever we are doing is not working for me."
So today i will go for a long walk and lick my wounds.
(((Susy))). Sounds like a really tough night. Don’t feel too bad. Most of us have made similar missteps. All you can do it pick yourself up and get back to focusing on what is best for you and for your daughter. In the future, I would steer clear of drinking too much alcohol. One drink can help ease the pressure a bit but beyond that, probably not the best idea. You want to focus on healthy activities. Re: your friend accusing you of being greedy... that person needs to GAL and mind her own business. Yes...it is good to negotiate as much as you can without having to involve lawyers but you do need to make sure you are protecting yourself and your daughter financially and having a lawyer represent you is the only way to do that. It doesn’t have to be a knock down drag out fight in court which is why you want to make sure you and your L are on the same page in trying to avoid that. My L has been excellent in that regard. I’ve met with her once and exchanged two emails. Our next communication will likely be that my SA is ready to sign. Sigh... not looking forward to that day but it is what it is. You can get through this Susy. Better days are ahead of you. (((HUGS)))
Thanks Dejavu for the kind words. i do not want to come across has some one that its a heavy drinker, far for me truth, i normally only drink in social occasions. I will have 1 or 2 glasses on my own here and there but not often.
I had my first therapy session yesterday, was a bit weird, i expect to go there and cry, but nope. Its a narrative therapy, not sure how works to be honest, i just talked and she took notes....will see later on. I just talk and talk, i believe that is time for me start to talk about this less with friends and maybe keep "here", therapy (not sure if i need, but its a safe place to talk) and family.
I mainly spoke about my worries about my Daughter future, the limbo situation, the fact that he can not put his daughter 1st, my worried about keeping a roof over her head, etc....
I think deep down is no point to try to save anything anymore, to try to understand, to hope that he can see the reality...
Next session i will try to talk about how i feel, how much damaged he caused. But i think i have try to detached myself so much that i start to find myself again. I would never choose to be in this situation, or separation. But could i ever trust him again? If i would meet this men today, would i fall in love with him? Its him that i love, or is our history? Our plans for the future? the live that we could have had? the family unit ideal?
