Many of you seem to be doing really well. New outlooks and new goals. I think that is great. Wishing you all the best.
I wish I could say that I was feeling a great new outlook as well. But the mostly single-parenting life is really exhausting me lately. Just this week, each of my kids have needed emergency doctors appointments (nothing serious thankfully) but both times I had to rush out of work and get kids to appointments then try and get back to pick up the other child from their afterschool care and then try to work from home once the kids are asleep. I can no longer ask my husband to pick up something on the way home if we run out, so I have been squeezing any errands in as I rush after work to pick up the kids (I once asked him to pick up milk post BD and he just walked away muttering that I was so controlling. He didn't pick up the milk. I haven't asked again). My kids are too young to be left home alone so I can't go out in the evenings once they are asleep unless I hire a babysitter (babysitters are really expensive where I live so I try to limit their use). My husband also just texted to say he is in VT for a long weekend.
I know it's just pretty much regular life and that this is my new reality but I am feeling pretty worn down at the moment.
Also, is it controlling to ask a spouse to run a household errand? I guess it could be seen that way since it is something I am asking for instead of something he wants to do? So maybe I am trying to control his behavior?
No, you aren't trying to control his behavior, but in his mind, you are attempting to control his time and where he needs to go, etc.
It's very difficult for single parents because the spouse that is out to lunch isn't there to help nor can you rely on them. Do you have any friends that can assist w/the babysitting or a network of mothers in the church or neighborhood that would be willing to work with you on the babysitting issues?
You could phrase your questions by saying "H, we have run out milk and the children need it for their cereal and some of their favorite meals. Would you pick up a quart of milk for them on your way over? If it is too inconvenient, would you stay with the kids while I run out to get the milk?" You have to give them some options to think over decide on their own which way to respond. When you give them the freedom to decide w/o pressure, they generally will go w/the easy option. It is called putting the ball back in their court.
Try to remember....you can't rely on him to do the right thing because he's a kid himself at the moment.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I began my career doing legal aid work for impoverished people. I met a woman who had lost her housing (the reason she came to me) because a tree had fallen in a storm and split her mobile home in two while she and her children were at home. She was a single mom, no resources, and no family to help her. When she described the incident to me, she said something to the effect of "I lead a blessed life. A tree destroyed my home. We were all saved. Someone was smiling on me that day." This woman, and her way of looking at the world, has brought me peace for about 20 years now.
Kate, I also had a long slow realization that my H was no longer going to be a dad. After I stopped thinking of asking him, my life did not get any easier but I had a lot more peace. I just adjusted to life as a single mom. I found moms to swap hours with so I didn't have to pay for babysitting as much. I started grocery shopping when the kids were asleep at home with the dog.
My life as a single mom is incredibly hard. I am the sole support for the kids financially, emotionally, time-wise, everything. My H won't even do their dishes when I had to leave them in the sink after rushing to work. In fact, the rare times he makes my D an egg in the morning, he leaves the dirty pan on the stove and the dishes on the table! But emotionally it got easier when I stopped being shocked and angry by that stuff, when I just expected. The rare times it doesn't happen, I get to be pleasantly surprised.
As long as you do not accept your reality, which includes your H being irrational and unreasonable about the kids, you will suffer a lot of pain in your heart. I still suffer this pain a lot, whenever I slip back into forgetting my reality or having any expectations of him.
But if you can try to make a new life as a single mom, any time he takes (and that will at least get easier when there is a schedule, though I have still not made it to a schedule!) will be a bonus.
Too bad we can't make a babysitting swap service for all the LBS moms on this board.
Acceptance is so hard. Even if we know it's good for us. Sometimes I have trouble reading your posts because your name is the OW's name. I even felt scared when you first started posting that you might be her. Isn't that crazy? I just mention it as it shows how much pain we carry around in our little LBS sacks, and how a lot of that pain can be avoided if we accept what we cannot change....
Last edited by Gerda; 02/23/1901:57 AM.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
My husband wants to sit down tonight and have a discussion about finances. Any practical advice? I have already assembled an expense report showing all of our expenditures by category in 2018, as well as the baseline household budget and a budget that includes all of the extras we spend on the kids (activities, birthdays, travel, etc). Anything else I should do to prepare?
It will be good to have a “discussion” although discussion is not an accurate term for what he is probably looking for.
You could tell H you are happy to meet, but tonight is no good. Then suggest a couple of other times. You don’t need to jump just because he said so.
That being said, if you are strong enough meet with him. Listen to whatever it is he wants to say. You don’t respond to anything - you didn’t call this meeting. When pushed just reply “H, I am not prepared to answer that. I have not be working towards ending our relationship. I will need time to consider that. “
Gather all his concerns, questions, whatever. Then see a lawyer. Do not sign or agree to anything without seeing your L.
Kate, H is after something. Have no expectations as to what he is looking for. He may just be fishing or digging to see what he can get. With no expectations you also will have no answers, so you don’t need to guess or prepare for this. Stay firm on that. If some financial deal needs to happen have the L draft it up.
Stay strong, and just treat it like a business deal. One where you really, and won’t, make a decision on until follow up discussions.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
My thoughts were similar to DnJ. Unless you want to meet to wrap up finances, then I wouldn't be so agreeable to meet and do all of the work for him. In my experience, I jump through hoops trying to give mine what he wants, and then he does absolutely nothing when it reaches a point that the ball is in his court.
I wouldn't agree to anything on the spot. I would go with a blank pad and listen to what he has to say and what he has to propose. Since you've done the work at the back end, you know what your needs are and you can ask questions to help move him along (did you factor in who would pay for the kids' summer camp, or what if my car breaks down, etc.).
Also, keep in mind that what the parties are dealing with in the interim often sets the stage for what a court later sees as what is needed (e.g., you've been getting by on $2k a month, why do you need $4k now?). So if you were to agree to less now, thinking you'll keep him happier, you could be hurting yourself later if there is a court determination on this stuff. Niceing them back doesn't work.
Like DnJ says, don't agree to anything without speaking with an attorney about what the financial picture would look like for you in divorce.
It ended up being a non-starter. He came home from work late and never brought it up at all.
I guess that is kind of par for the course though. He said he was leaving February 1st. He was absolute about it the day he told me and then never said a word about it again. February 1st came and went and he didn't go. The he left me a note that said he was leaving March 1st and then never brought it up again and he is still here. It kind of seems like he works up to something and then backs off. I am sure he will want to discuss the finances again at some point.
In the year preceding BD he was all energy and get up and go. Long workouts, trips with friends, possible/probable affair. Right before BD and for 3 months after he was constantly angry, irritable and sulking. Much more wallowing than high energy. For the last month he is less angry and irritable. Now he is wallowing less but also not as high energy. He is still completely withdrawn from me although he has regained the ability to make eye contact. Mostly, he is all over the map. And from everything of read this seems like it is likely to continue.
I often think that he is hoping that I will eventually throw him out or that he can provoke a really big fight to give him a "reason" to leave. Then he doesn't have to be the bad guy.
