MLC husband

[Lost808]

I like to think I live a pretty full and intentional life. I am a definite introvert so spending huge amounts of time out doing social things is not that fun for me. My week days look something life this:

5:00AM- Wake up/exercise (walk of workout DVD) Get ready for the day

6:00AM- Breakfast with kids

6:30AM- 4:30PM- Commute and work

4:30Pm- 7:30PM- Pick up kids/Kid activities/Family time/Dinner/Kids bedtime

7:30PM- 8:00PM- housework

8:00- 8:30- Shower

8:30- 9:30PM- read

On the weekend I don't get up until 6:00AM and it is a mixture of chores, errands, family time, weekly meal prep and kid activities. I have a photography hobby and will often pull out my camera on the weekends to take some pictures. During the week I meet a group of co-workers/friends for a 30 minute coffee break daily. I read most days as reading is my favorite hobby. Occasionally, I will meet up with some friends on the weekend but not that often. I attend a monthly bookclub.

It is safe to leave the kids with my husband. During the week he generally isn't home until they are already in bed. In December I attended several holiday events in the evenings. I had fun but my husband couldn't care less about what I was up to.

I do my best to fit some exercise, reading and family time into every day. Also, I do socialize at work each day during my daily coffee catch up. I haven't added anything that is new since BD but I feel like I have designed a pretty good life for my own personal preferences.

I have also been trying to limit my spending and not engage in retail therapy. If my husband does leave there will be a drastic cut in income (even with child support). I am trying to be proactive in cutting spending now with the understanding that there may be a major financial change coming.

I am in a similar situation (minus kids, I don't have any) I feel better knowing that there are other women out there like me who just don't really care to go out that often and just like to sit at home and relax as a form of GAL. My husband is also ( I think) going through a MLC. Letting them be I is the best thing we can do I think.

[kate11]

My husband left me a note the yesterday saying that he is looking to move out in March now but not to worry he has thought of everything and he is sure this can be amicable.

This is crazy, of course. First, that he wants to leave such information in a note! Second, that he has thought of everything. And third that his walking out the door can be considered amicable.

My question is what do I do about this note? Try to engage him in a conversation (the relationship talk I have never initiated)? Ignore it?

Thoughts are appreciated.

[DejaVu6]

R talks do NOT work. Take it from me... I've had too many of them and they just pushed him away even more and cemented his position that we need to D.

Ask yourself... what would he expect you to do after getting that note and then do the opposite. If I were you, knowing what I know now, I would do nothing or I would thank him for the note and for keeping you in the loop or something to that effect. He knows how you feel Kate. If you keep hammering him over the head with it, he is just going to get frustrated that you aren't listening to him. Take the high road if you can manage it. Breathe. Keep yourself busy. Don't react. I know how tough this is. I also know what didn't work for me. Please don't make the same mistakes that I did. (((HUGS)))

[Grace21]

I have to admit, I haven't read your whole sitch, but if he is intent on leaving, I would make up a list of how you see things working living separately - kids, finances, etc. I would do the work on what you need, so you are being pro-active and not reactive. You will find yourself in a much better position, and I think it helps level out the emotions that YOU are in control of your needs and not what he thinks you need.

[DnJ]

Hello Kate

Both DV and Grace have given you excellent advice.

Acknowledge his note and let him do the heavy lift regarding his unwanted plan. Keep focus on you and your needs. Ensure your security. And to be very clear that is financial security. You deserve and require it.

DnJ

[Gerda]

I know that you need practical advice, but I just want to say that I felt the knife that sliced straight through your heart when you read that note, and I send you a ((((((Kate11)))))) hug eleven times over.

I myself would not answer at all. I would be pleasant when you see him but not answer. This is only possible if you pray constantly, in my experience! God will give you that peace.

If he is going to D, you will need to have a lawyer's help. And if he doesn't, it's limbo anyway. So what answer is there that might be undone anyway later, unless he asks for information. If he asks you to answer, you could answer then. But for now, what do you need to say?

[Gordie]

The only thing I would add is that what he writes may not match his actions

He may or may not move out in March

No one knows the future

I agree with saying nothing

And focus on setting expectations at zero

You expect he will not leave you a note like that

So it perplexed you or frustrates you or angers you

Those are all justifiable feelings

But if a stranger left you that note

How would that make you feel

I can tell you my w said she was going to do a lot

And at first I got flustered

And checked in here

Collected myself

Came up with a response

But most of the time she would not follow through

You can only control you

He is going to do...whatever he wishes

[roist]

Let him go. That may seem a little blunt but anything else will worsen the situation. Accept his decision fully and plan your life in accordance. This doesn't mean that he gets to dictate everything. His leaving is his choice, but the conditions that you are left with is for you to have your say. Don't accept what isn't reasonable/acceptable.

But as I said, your best action is to put on a brave face and act as if you are fine with him moving out. That it's not a big deal for you. You don't need him. You may need to fake this especially at the beginning but the less a deal you make of this the better for you in the long term. Fight him on this and he will just remember you fighting, which will further cement his thinking that he was right to move out.

However I would also shake up your routine in the build up to his moving out. I know it is out of character for you to be an extravert, but there are many reasons to go out more now. Firstly he will experience time without you. Secondly he will notice you are not just mopping around the house feeling sorry for yourself. Ideally go out and do something as that will help distract you.

Best wishes

[roist]

Forgot to mention that if I were you I would not acknowledge nor mention the note. If he wants to move out he will have to bring it up again in person, though some are not able to do that and will slip away without discussion. Regardless I would not discus it. Prepare for if it happens, especially regarding financially protecting yourself

[peacetoday]

Hi Kate,

probably the note was sent to avoid confrontation
They want their actions to be approved of and want validation

I would say nothing and also agree with the others
When you see him, be kind cheerful and start creating a life

take dance lessons or do something different for fun
Let him see you creating a new life

He may or may not follow through
many Mlcers will eventually leave
My xh threatened moving out for months-then he did
There is not much we as LBS can do except embrace the new reality

Watch the finances though they will drain accounts to create their fantasy world-
they will put things on credit and overspend beyond their means
If you have not consulted a L
I would consider a free consult just to see your rights and gets financial advice

Trust that as much as it hurts now- YOU will be ok and many LBS do move on to create better lives for themselves and the kids-