Moving on onto the Bright side part 18

[TBSakaJ9]

I know some people say 1 yr after your d is final. Honestly I probably started a little too soon but IMO you just have to start putting yourself out there and you will start to get more comfortable with it. Early on my x dominated too much of the convo but I knew the first girl I went out with wasn’t going to be the one so I just used it as practice, got more comfortable with it, read a lot of books, and gradually I realized my x had become an after thought. Now the only question I get asked is how long have you been divorced. The what happened and why comes after several dates. I will say women have good spider senses and can tell if you are fresh on the scene. The first girl I went on a date with kissed me in the parking lot and I was like a deer in headlights. Needless to say she ghosted me

[LH19]

How did you know when you were ready to start dating women? Anything specific?

I think you just know when you are ready to move on in your life.

[Holding]

J9 et al.

How did you know when you were ready to start dating women? Anything specific?

Everyone is different. I started about a month after my D. I felt a very strong urge to date. I knew I had a lot to learn about dating, women, reading the signals, etc., and I figured I might as well get out there and get started. It may have been a little too early for me, but I learned from every sitch and learned a lot about myself. I didn't date much before my M. A few women have specifically asked if they were the first person I dated, post-D. They didn't want to be my training wheels, or a way for me to work out my issues.

Some people will say wait a year. I think setting some arbitrary condition (6 months, a year) will make you go hog wild once you hit that benchmark. I say, start dating when you want to.

Just don't turn around and start getting super serious. A close friend went and married someone 3 or 4 months after his D. That lasted about 6 months, and now he's getting D'd again.

[AndrewP]

I really think it depends on the person. Some people never are ready and decide that staying single is the best thing for them.

A dear friend of mine explained it best to me. She told me that she knew I would be healed when I was no longer defined by what was but rather by what will be. While complete healing may not come for many of us we can get close enough. If we involve someone else while we are still hurting badly, it's unfair to all involved.

[DonH]

I find it interesting that several,who started dating soon after D - or before it was even completed - now say they may have gone in too soon. One year is not intended to be a magic number but rather a minimum. I went out on my first actual date about 16 months after my D was final. That was about 30 months since bomb drop and W moving out. I think it's most important that you start dating because you want to add to your life rather than have someone fix what is missing. Casual dating would be fine but what happens if it goes past casual which if certainly can. It's not like you can turn off those feelings. I think you mostly need to ask yourself why are you wanting to date? Those honest answers should guide you. As Andrew stated it may also guide you to realize you don't want to nor need to and there is nothing wrong with that either. Just don't rush it. It won't serve you well and it could very much hurt the women you date. It's okay to be alone for awhile. And it really is okay to follow the advice of many experts and professionals who suggest you wait a year - six months at absolute minimum. It will serve you well

[kml]

I think the most important things are that you have processed the marriage and that you are over your ex. It's not fair to date someone if you would go running back to your ex if they called.

The timeline on this varies with the person and the situation. I started dating someone just three months after my ex left. BUT that was 9 months after he first brought up leaving, after his two previous affairs, after having DBd successfully for 7 years after his most recent affair. I had peace in my heart that I'd done everything possible to save my marriage and that there was no way I would ever take him back after this third strike. I'd already done the work that most people have to do on themselves after their spouse leaves.

I've never regretted dating then, it was healing and life affirming. But even so, it worked because he was long distance and I could escape to visit him once a month while working on my protracted divorce at home. It probably wouldn't have worked if he'd been local and needing more of my time while I was going through the divorce mediation.

[TBSakaJ9]

Home again today, my oldest still not feeling well. Taking her to the dr at 10. Had a good workout this am, texted the dr last night and she initiated with me this am. Seems like she is slowly coming out of her shell a bit or maybe she is just holding herself back. I have felt my attraction for her increase this week as we have stayed connected during the week. It is definitely not a back and forth all day long but rather a couple of messages here and there with her initiating a couple times as well.

There has been no conversation about any R, future talks or anything like that. I am not sending the 8 am good morning texts or the 9 pm good night texts, haven’t said anything about how I am looking forward to seeing her or anything of that nature so I think in some respects we are at a standstill with each other. It’s like this feeling out process with neither one of us wanting to tip our hands. I am looking forward to tomorrow night and seeing her but I guess I am just uncomfortable expressing it. I still have these thoughts of being needy, clingy, etc. floating around in my head combined with it only being 6 dates I am not sure what I should be saying at this point other than avoiding R talks which I have no desire to do anyway. Maybe this falls in line with what the coach says about your feelings being unclear and girls are more attracted to a guy when they don’t know how he feels.

[rexgm]

J9 et al.

How did you know when you were ready to start dating women? Anything specific?

For me I was ready to date again about 4 months after the BD. When I realized that my ex and I was not going to get back together. I didnt date though because I was still married. I take that back, I went out on 1 date and on the first date it seemed so transactional, she wanted a LTR, me to meet her kids, and told me she was a submissive and I would make a good master for her. Lets just say I ran for the hills. I knew I was not ready for a LTR, and she showed alot of red flags. I did go out with alot of friends in groups and just flirted with the opposite sex, knowing that i wasnt going to take it any further. This will help prepare you for when you have come to the conclusion that you are ready to meet someone else. My divorce was just finalized on Jan 23rd and I have really hit the gas on dating. When you are ready to move on with your life that is when I think you should start dating again. Dating and LTR are two different things though. I believe one is ready for a LTR when they can be happy with being alone. In my opinion, if you cant truly be happy alone, then you will be getting into a LTR for all the wrong reasons, even if you are not aware of it. When you can be happy knowing that you do not need someone else, then you will have the right mindset for a LTR.


J,

my question to you is, can you be happy with never meeting someone else? If you ask yourself can you truly be happy being alone, are you happy with the answer? I may be wrong, but i dont think you are quite there yet.


Rex

[TBSakaJ9]

I am happy being alone but I don't want to be alone forever. I love going out with women, the interaction, conversations, and all that they have to offer with their femininity.

[rexgm]

So my next question is, are you going out with any other women besides the Dr.? If you are not, what are you doing to try and meet other women? just OLD or are you doing other activities were you can meet single ladies?