Sometimes my GF absolutely blows up my phone and sometimes she goes radio silent for hours or even days. When she goes radio silent it feels like she doesn't care. I mentioned that to her once early on and she said that she thinks about me constantly, especially when we're not texting back and forth. In fact she said the less we text the more she's thinking about me and fantasizing. So yeah, if she's not texting you that is not a bad thing. It doesn't mean she quit caring, could be quite the opposite. But you've got to resist the temptation to temp check her.
Be the alpha. Quit being so available. Pull back. She'll probably start pursuing.
So no matter what happens, I learned something last night. Why is it that everything I should do in relationships either with a WW or with a new interest is always the exact opposite of what I think I should be doing? The above quotes ^^^^^^...I stop all reaching out to her early AM, had a good day at work, great workouts and then went out having dinner with a buddy of mine. Great day! BUT not reaching out to her...I'd have had more fun pulling my fingernails out. Hated that AND was thinking "welp that puts the nail in this one". Just like after initial BD with my WW when I had this crazy desire to reach out to her, felt very simliar last night just in a different context...only difference was that I understood the why, even if I hated it. Anyway h*ll or high water esp because of what Stander says above, I just had fun with my buddy drinking beers and hanging out. A bit before I was off to sleep I got "Hope you've had a great day!" from her. I replied about an hour later saying "Yep I did!" I did tell her a bit about my day as I think for a new interest unlike a WW it's good for her to know i have friends, I'm out having fun, achieving goals at work. Let's her see me as successful, happy, someone she want to be around. It was ONE SINGLE TEXT! Anyway...she quickly replied "Nice!!" I sent a simple "hope you had a great day as well" which got an immediate "Yes I did!" and me saying "happy to hear that!"...and that was it. No calls, good nights, nothing. And this morning no texts/emails sent from me.
I was reading a bit of Corey's book last night. As I say I was feeling like this completely freakin stinks. I just want to reach out to her. And then in the book he said something along how when he did this in his interactions with a lady he liked it drove him nuts too BUT! what he didn't realize at the time was that just as it was driving him nuts, it was causing the lady he was interested in to wonder what the H was going on with him too and that was a good thing. So a light clicked for me. BUT this whole bass-ackwards way that men and women basically need to do stuff, I get that the rules of attraction aren't necessarily logic, but d88n. I'm honest to a fault, straight forward...the thought of having to game to relationship build. If you start a relationship based on these unwritten, crazy but truthful realities...can they ever really foster a healthy long term, honest relationship or do you both have to continue the game throughout to keep the relationship surviving.
Anyway...for Stander/LH, I'm being alpha, walking ahead, doing my thing. with Super Bowl weekend got some good time GAL starting this early PM I'm looking forward to and i'm gonna start reading Corey's book. for Ginger/DonH...well I'm not doing any reach out to this lady anymore AND I could have been so beta/too forward already that there's no need worrying about me getting into a relationship or becoming depressed as I may have already blown any chance I had in less than two weeks anyway! Pretty happy that I can sit here and feel like I'm pleasing all of you! LOL
Weekend fun starts early this afternoon for me and I can't wait! Praying for all of you who are hurting/struggling. When I first got here GAL seemed kinda a weird phrase, a bit pointless, but now with time/exp I see how critical it is both in surviving BD and dating! Live your life for you! Backwards or forwards...just do it! As neffer has said, keep walking your path, good things will come your way in their time.
We have these discussions all the time on J9s threads about how these feel like games. I work with Doctors and Scientists and I look at it more like a protocol. For different studies you have to follow different protocols. You can also change the protocol once you gather more information.
I think it feels like games to some people because you are intentionally not contacting someone when you really want to contact them. What you are really trying to do is fill your schedule up with activities, work, exercise, kids that you really don't have time to blow up someones phone. Then it's not a game you are just extremely busy.
You can be true to yourself and send 10 texts before a response if you truly feel that is the right thing to do, but unfortunately most confident, successful women are going to find that as a turn off.
Take this new opportunity slow, keep your options open and live in the moment.
LH...appreciate the comments. I think for guys it's that we look at what makes sense to US, but never try to understand what works and makes sense for ladies. Just like with why WWs are/get how they are, in dating ladies have perspectives/wants/needs/etc that are different and perhaps seem illogical to us guys.
I can see how my night/morning texts every day take away from the excitement, mystery, attraction she might feel towards me. in essence i'm smothering her and taking away from her all of the things that she needs to become comfortable with me and grow her attraction for me. letting go/backing off i think will really allow her to feel safer with me. that Corey guy talks about having the mindset where ladies approach us men like cats. if we are stable, no sudden crazy movements, etc the more they are willing to come towards us and check us out. just alot of dynamics that don't make sense right away until you read about them and really have time to understand the logic...and realize you were doing things wrong.
anyway...no matter what at least I can say I am continually learning to become a better man, possible partner someday and I'm happy about that.
I just had fun with my buddy drinking beers and hanging out.
Great, that's the ticket, just get out and live life and don't worry about her.
Quote
Anyway...she quickly replied "Nice!!" I sent a simple "hope you had a great day as well" which got an immediate "Yes I did!" and me saying "happy to hear that!"...and that was it. No calls, good nights, nothing. And this morning no texts/emails sent from me.
Hmmm. Sounds like you're getting friendzoned. You did say you've been out with her a couple of times didn't you? Have you talked about another date or are you just exchanging pleasantries? You've got to be bold and a little pushy about going out. But your attitude also needs to be alpha- if not her then time to move on to the next lady.
Quote
BUT! what he didn't realize at the time was that just as it was driving him nuts, it was causing the lady he was interested in to wonder what the H was going on with him too and that was a good thing. So a light clicked for me.
Did I not just tell you that yesterday? Be mysterious.
Quote
I'm honest to a fault, straight forward...the thought of having to game to relationship build. If you start a relationship based on these unwritten, crazy but truthful realities...can they ever really foster a healthy long term, honest relationship or do you both have to continue the game throughout to keep the relationship surviving.
I like LH's post about it not being gaming, but rather "protocol". It's just human nature, we want what we can't have and don't want what is easy pickings. We love a challenge. Part of why you want to pursue her so bad is because she's not showing much interest in you. You need to flip the script.
Stander...no, we have not gone out yet. she is long distance. there has been a TON of talk from her to me and some from me about us being together though. the how's your day business has only been going for a week or so, we don't email much throughout the day though. us going on a date, me coming up to here city to see her, spend the weekend doing things with her, all of that has previously been discussed. monday she's asking me to call her, tuesday I think i shared too much of my feelings, had the text debacle and since that point there's been text beyond "how's your day", but no calls. I think me putting my feelings out there did damage and caused her to pull back, maybe permanently. so i'm doing as i know i have to do, living alpha, enjoying myself...if I use the cat analogy...i spooked her and she took off. she has told me many times how attractive she finds me, so i need to chill myself out and do my thing...just maybe then the cat feel safe and come back towards me.
up front neither one of us gave ANY challenge to the other! we've known each other 2 weeks and both of us went full throttle telling the other how attracted we were to them AND moving full speed like we were a couple/in a relationship. That caused problems, clearly. Why I want to pursue her right now is that I was liking the person I was getting to know. Her stopping is actually causing me to want to bail out, likely prematurely, than keep messing with her. BUT me being out there with my feelings, killed some of her attraction for me and made me come off feminine and not alpha like. Hopefully in such a short period of time and with her stated interest in me I haven't completely blown it, but I can't worry about that. I need to give her the time and space to wonder about me, maybe grow the attraction and let her come after me. I've made myself at least less attractive to her, but maybe with us only knowing each other for such a short period of time it can be corrected. And if she doesn't because it can't, I just keep on walking wiser for the next lady.
Stander...no, we have not gone out yet. she is long distance.
Oh wow, did I ever misunderstand what was going on, LOL! Early on I learned it's a waste of time texting someone a lot before meeting them. I did it a few times only to discover the person I met was far different than the one I thought I was texting (I'm not saying I was catfished, it was more a case of them just being very different than I imagined). You will never know if the chemistry is there until you meet them. Texting and a thousand pictures cannot tell you what 5 minutes face-to-face will. Plus a lot of women these days just want to have text buddies, especially younger women. I don't get it, but that's how it is. I always pushed to meet right away. If they refused and said "let's get to know each other by text first" then I told them the above, that meeting for a few minutes would tell us far more than texting. If they still refused then I wished them well and moved on. I live near Dallas so there are a ton of women here, so I didn't bother talking to anyone outside of about a 30 mile radius. So if they were open to meeting I could usually make it happen quickly.
No worries Stander. Short story is a girl friend of mine told me "Hey my friend thinks you are hot" and showed me her picture to which I replied "tell you friend thank you for the compliment and I think she is hot also"
from there it went from social media to text to phone to FT...all moving along by her. we definitely want to meet, mom's have heard of each of us, please call her on Monday and then as of Tuesday...only text/bit of email. literally she's full throttle into me and then almost silence.
I really do appreciate the insight you've provided it's good for future reference for me. as has been my case with my WW and now here with this lady, I have no idea what happened. I never even with all of her interest in me, got to meet her, go on even the first date. even with what I'm doing now...she's gone and no way is she gonna try to even see me. I took a lady with seemingly solid attraction for me and completely lost her in less than 2 weeks with no idea how. story of my life with ladies. it would be terribly sad if it weren't so comically hopeless.
none of this makes ANY sense to me at all...going to the gym in the morning...just walking my path...
You didn't completely lose her because you never had her! You guys weren't dating, you haven't even went out on a date, you guys were chatting. For two weeks. She expressed interest, you did to, then for whatever reason, it didn't work out. You can't lose someone you never had. and YOU didn't lsoe her. It just ended
I know from personal experience that anything that goes from 0-60in 3 sec flat, pretty much goes in the opposite direction just as fast.
It's a learning experience for sure. Slow and steady, get to know someone, don't only follow their lead, look for red flags.
G is right. If you start online dating this stuff happens all the time. You start talking to someone based on pictures and a profile and then at some point you or her change your mind. Most of the time it's not even something you or her did. You just accept it wasn't meant to be and move on.
Be mysterious.