I have played out every one of those hands many times, and there is no winning combination. OD isn't a dummy; he has set up the status quo so I would be stupid to do that. That is the problem with leverage. In some respects I have it, and in others he does. I have dirt on him, but if I use it, there is no income to pay support. If he makes me take a default, I get a fraction of what I would get could I litigate the way I need to in order to protect my son. Instead OD dangles the carrot of a settlement that will never come about and in the meantime gladly pays me much more than I could get from pushing it through and more or less leaves my son alone (which causes a different set of problems).
How many of you would pay out everything you have in attorney fees to take significantly less money than you are getting now, with the added bonus that if you push forward, you force your child into a less than desirable custody arrangement?
I think DnJ is right. Being apprised of my options, I choose limbo. I just have to embrace that choice. We all have choices to make. I don't control what cards I get, only the way I play them.
yes one - you are smart to play it our the way that seems best for you
I get the sense he wants to keep you right where he left you and he will pay extra or whatever maybe so he does not have to truly let go or loose you Maybe more so after the last few visits
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
He's not ready to give you up. He wants you to remain right where he left you pre crisis. I did think of one other reason why he went for dismissal. Maybe he's got a lady friend who is pushing for a more permanent relationship and he doesn't want it, so he's using the lack of a divorce as an excuse.
It's really hard to determine what is going on in his mind...but in time, more will be revealed.
Continue to live your life and I hope that your son is doing better today.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Ok, was not thinking I would mention this because in the moment I wasn't 100% sure of the vibe. But, he was definitely looking at me with intensity. Not sweet and loving, but there was some kind of electricity coming from him. At one point, he came very near to me as we were leaving (I seriously don't think I have been that close to him in years), our faces were very close together and he was looking very deeply into my eyes. In the past he would never have gotten this close to me and, having done so, he certainly wouldn't look me in the eye. I wasn't sure whether it felt menacing or what (was he trying to stare me down?), but it was very different than the cold fish thing he normally does.
My top contenders for not letting go: 1. Fear--I believe he is borderline and he is terrified to let go. I think it is mostly about him; 2. Control--he really likes to know what I am up to and make me have to come to him at times--yank me around with money, insurance, etc.; 3. Possession--I think he thinks he owns me and yes, that I am sitting nicely on the shelf for him; 4. Triangulation--I do think he uses me to triangulate the OW, make her work really hard with the threat that he can always come back (or so he thinks); and 5. Marriage-proof--since he is messing around on OW2, no doubt he realizes she isn't "the one" and he doesn't want to get stuck as you say Job.
Son is struggling, but a lot of it is his own making. He has a tough few days ahead because it is finals and then can take a mini break and pull himself together. Hopefully OD will show up as he said for him next week. I have also made an appointment to consider medication for him. Not something I want to do, but may be necessary.
Being apprised of my options, I choose limbo. I just have to embrace that choice. We all have choices to make. I don't control what cards I get, only the way I play them.
I will add something, I am sure you already know.
Embracing a choice doesn’t mean it is forever, it is just accepting and living it fully right now.
When you play your hand based on your values, beliefs, and what is best for you and your’s, you’ll always do alright.
So, since we are both in limbo, with cards we didn’t deal...
Got any fours?
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I do think your list is pretty accurate, and is in order of most probable or highest percentage of reason.
I tend to think your H has all those things in play. The most pertinent being fear and control, and then all the way down the list. It definitely is not just one thing.
Sorry about son. This has been hard on him. What year is he in? I hope he does well in his finals and the break helps. It would be nice if Dad would see him; it would probably be good for both of them.
Good for you booking an appointment to discuss medication for son. I am sure it will be informative. I understand your feelings of how you don’t want it and yet how it might be becoming necessary. How does son feel about maybe taking medication?
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Those may all be reasons for him not to change the status quo - BUT - all too often, when a situation like this financial one goes on, it is because there is a financial benefit to the WAS in maintaining things this way. I know you've looked at it before but please, just be careful that he isn't doing any financial hanky panky that could come back to haunt you, like taking out credit cards in your name or such.
while my XH was paying us a lot during separation, he was also exhausting all the business funds, and the credit cards and spending mutual funds on his new life and OW when all was said and done, it was me who had to rein burse the business to keep it from going under-
Your list is quite accurate and maybe he does feel a little attraction.. I believe Love probably never dies
how did it make you feel? did you feel the same?>
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Yes, KML thank you for the priceless efforts to remind us to keep an eye on those items. In the past I would have said, he would never do that, he is not reckless with money (he was wearing the crappy shorts I bought him at Costco 15 years ago and still drives his 6 year old car with a million miles). I'm pretty sure I said he'd never drink or take drugs. So, yes, I have a monitor on my credit. We have only one joint credit card account and it is the top account on my mobile banking app. I keep it at $0 balance so any charge on there stands out. I only keep it because the credit limit is high and divorce kills credit. Plus if he screws me over on the support again I'll just charge everything to that card.
I think DnJ that you are right. I do think all the reasons apply and at some moments one is at the fore and at others another is. I don't think anything with him is ever static. I don't know enough about poker to know what a winning hand is, but I like that you are collecting 4s instead of holding out for a royal flush. I think it shows what a stable, logical guy you are and how a win for you is a good solid play.
Ok Peace, that is a very hard question you asked. I thought everyone would hit me on that one, which was why I didn't mention it at first. When he looked at me so intently, and I do have to say this, he has the most lovely eyes of anyone I've ever seen, that for a moment I felt like I saw the old him. I wouldn't say I felt an attraction, it was more of a feeling of less of a revulsion in that moment. For about two years now I have really seen him as a syphilitc chancre so maybe that was the first time I didn't feel complete disgust the whole time I was in his presence. But, he did say some really sh$tty things to me, which I knew were projection and score-keeping, but they definitely helped keep things in perspective.
His lawyer even managed to screw up the dismissal, which I had to rewrite. They wrote it with prejudice meaning that neither of us could refile for divorce. Uh, no. My lawyer seems to be hiding, so I have no idea when it will be filed. I have not heard from him to set up a time for our big getting it done talk next week.
I don't know enough about poker to know what a winning hand is, but I like that you are collecting 4s instead of holding out for a royal flush. I think it shows what a stable, logical guy you are and how a win for you is a good solid play.
Stable and logical guy. I should just let that be, however...
It wasn’t poker - I was “playing” the card game Go Fish.
Me: Got any fours?
One: No, go fish.
Maybe you don’t know that game. I figured you’d think poker, realize the go fish game play, humorous juxtaposition, laughter ensues, and a humorous comeback from OneArt. Oh well, I guess I can’t hit a homerun every post.
You are correct - I do appreciate good solid game play.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
