T, I said this 6 weeks ago but I think it still applies:
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T, I'm in the school of thought that something does not seem right here. Your W's complete lack of interest in ANY kind of physical touching is very troubling. You are in MC, the C told both of you to pursue physical touches, you are and she is not. We're not talking about sex here, the MC said just to TOUCH each other for crying out loud! Is she so repulsed by you that she can't even bring herself to hold your hand or touch your hand while driving? This is a big red flag to me that your W is not all-in on reconciling, and I don't think it will improve with time. Personally I think you still have a full-blown WAS on your hands, probably actively planning BD 2.0 with an announcement that "I tried everything and it just didn't work." Any advice I give you is going to run counter to what your MC is telling you, but I really think you should go back to DB'ing. Pull back, give her time and space, stop touching her, cut way back on dating and such. If she asks why you're doing this (and I'm sure she will) just say YOU need some time and space to think things over.
So 6 more weeks have passed and you are still stuck in the exact same place. I wish you would get fed up, and maybe a little angry, and just walk away from the whole mess. Because THEN you would detach, and THEN she would see what she's missing. I know some of the others here think you have a chance if you are patient but I absolutely do not share their optimism.
T, I said this 6 weeks ago but I think it still applies:
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T, I'm in the school of thought that something does not seem right here. Your W's complete lack of interest in ANY kind of physical touching is very troubling. You are in MC, the C told both of you to pursue physical touches, you are and she is not. We're not talking about sex here, the MC said just to TOUCH each other for crying out loud! Is she so repulsed by you that she can't even bring herself to hold your hand or touch your hand while driving? This is a big red flag to me that your W is not all-in on reconciling, and I don't think it will improve with time. Personally I think you still have a full-blown WAS on your hands, probably actively planning BD 2.0 with an announcement that "I tried everything and it just didn't work." Any advice I give you is going to run counter to what your MC is telling you, but I really think you should go back to DB'ing. Pull back, give her time and space, stop touching her, cut way back on dating and such. If she asks why you're doing this (and I'm sure she will) just say YOU need some time and space to think things over.
So 6 more weeks have passed and you are still stuck in the exact same place. I wish you would get fed up, and maybe a little angry, and just walk away from the whole mess. Because THEN you would detach, and THEN she would see what she's missing. I know some of the others here think you have a chance if you are patient but I absolutely do not share their optimism.
Yep, I remember this almost word for word. The big mistake she is making is, she says it's so 'awkward' because it's been so long. But, the longer she goes without showing much of anything, the worse it gets.
That being said, she came home from work today, walked over, and gave me a peck on the lips. This is something MC recommended, but hasn't been happening much. I think W realizes how my patience is wearing very thin. Whether she cares or not is a different story
I'd be a real dick to do or say anything drastic days before Christmas (although she BD'd me a week before my birthday). But come January, if nothing changes, I'll be about done
Last edited by Terapin; 12/17/1810:49 PM.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
That being said, she came home from work today, walked over, and gave me a peck on the lips.
Why did she have to walk over? Why didn't you meet her at the door?
Look I know this lack of initiation has you questioning if her heart is in it or not, but most women typically do not like to be the aggressor! So you be. Walk her to the door when she's leaving. Meet her at the door when she arrives. She might start mimicking this behavior. Lead by example!
When was the last time you brought her flowers home just because? How are the touch charges going? Instead of laser-focusing on what she is or isn't doing, what can Terapin be doing better?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Hey everyone. Wow, it's been over a month since my last post. Aside from being super busy, it [censored] to report that nothing much has changed. We're still chugging along in MC (to the tune of $40/week), still getting along pretty well, and still not having sex or much of anything else.
Another Stander, you were right. While she continues to talk about and plan a family vacation, home improvements, etc, her actions run opposite. We've been out on a few 'dates' over the last month, and still next to nothing from her.
Soooo, I said before I'd give it till New Years for things to change/improve. Didn't happen, and it's been a few weeks since. Her birthday is coming up in a little over a week. I could be nice, and not do anything until after it passes. Or, I could do what she did, and BD her a week before her birthday, like she did a week before mine. I am going to tell her that I'm done with MC since it doesn't seem to be helping much.
What a rollercoaster the last 6 months have been.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Soooo, I said before I'd give it till New Years for things to change/improve. Didn't happen, and it's been a few weeks since. Her birthday is coming up in a little over a week. I could be nice, and not do anything until after it passes. Or, I could do what she did, and BD her a week before her birthday, like she did a week before mine. I am going to tell her that I'm done with MC since it doesn't seem to be helping much.
Hey T, rather than full-on BD her maybe sit down for a pre-BD? Tell her you're done with MC and that you are one foot out the door but maybe not both feet just yet and ask her what she is thinking. Give her the benefit to respond that she never gave you. I think you are in the right place to do this, you are not reacting emotionally, you seem quite cool and calm about it so I think the time is right to have that talk. Good luck.
And I'll add to this that even after saying it, she may need time to process it. Or she may need to hear it again. We don't always truly hear/understand everything the first time we hear it.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Thanks AS and Ovr. I just have to figure out what to say. She already knows that I'm frustrated and impatient with her lack of anything physical, because it's been talked about repeatedly in MC. Basically i could see it going something like this:
Me: I need to talk to you. I think we should stop going to MC. Her: Why? Me: It doesn't seem like it's helping very much. We've been going for 4+ months, and we still haven't moved past a platonic relationship. Her: Like I and MC said, you can't expect to go from 'nothing' to sex in a matter of weeks/months. It takes time. I can't believe you wouldn't want to continue this, after the progress we've made. Me: I haven't asked for sex. But you refuse to kiss me, hold my hand, touch my leg, hug me, etc. If it hasn't happened after 4 months of getting along great, how can i believe it's ever going to happen? Her: I'm starting to get those feelings back. I've just had so much stuff going on, stress, issues, etc, etc, etc
Or, she'd get pissed and say 'well if you can't be patient then maybe we should stop trying'.
The point is, she's typically better at these conversations than I am. I usually end up looking like an idiot.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Her: Like I and MC said, you can't expect to go from 'nothing' to sex in a matter of weeks/months. It takes time. I can't believe you wouldn't want to continue this, after the progress we've made.
I know this a hypothetical but in my serious relatiinships over the years I had slept with gal in 2 weeks or so usually. I don't believe that.
But in damaged MRs there is all this resentment to work through plus maybe some other things too.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Her: Like I and MC said, you can't expect to go from 'nothing' to sex in a matter of weeks/months. It takes time. I can't believe you wouldn't want to continue this, after the progress we've made.
Me: I haven't asked for sex. But you refuse to kiss me, hold my hand, touch my leg, hug me, etc. If it hasn't happened after 4 months of getting along great, how can i believe it's ever going to happen?
Try to rephrase things so they don't sound accusatory. "I" language instead of "you". So maybe- "I understood it would take time and feel that I have been very patient and given it plenty of time, and I do not see any progress. I'm feeling (whatever you're feeling- frustrated, ignored, alone, etc.) and my patience has been exhausted. I am not willing to continue this any longer." Be firm. If you're thinking about ending it then you want that message to come through loud and clear. It's clear that this isn't about sex to you and I'm not sure she understands that. It's about the lack of intimacy. Don't let her sidetrack you by minimizing what you're saying by accusing you of just wanting sex "too fast".
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Her: I'm starting to get those feelings back. I've just had so much stuff going on, stress, issues, etc, etc, etc
If she says something like this then see it for the lame excuse that it is. Go back to reaffirming that you feel you've given it plenty of time and you've reached your breaking point.
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Or, she'd get pissed and say 'well if you can't be patient then maybe we should stop trying'.
Your response to this should be "I'm sitting down with you to explain my feelings, please don't get angry. It is very difficult for me to share things like this, but I feel like you would want to know now while there is still a small chance of salvaging it rather than after it's too late for me.
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The point is, she's typically better at these conversations than I am. I usually end up looking like an idiot.
If the above is how she replies to these conversations then frankly she sounds terrible at it. A GOOD response would be her asking about your feelings, validating them, asking how she can do better moving forward. It sounds like she just "wants to be right". Unfortunately that's exactly how my girlfriend is so I can sympathize with your frustrations. Just tell her your feelings, then if she starts getting pissy then thank her for listening and tell her it's something you would like her to think over, then leave. I have to do this with my GF or she will just keep escalating it into a fight.
AS, those are good suggestions. I really have no idea how she'll reply. For all I know she may break down in tears and say something like "i know you're frustrated. I'm trying my best. You know how much stuff I've had going on. I really am trying."
Ovr, her and MC both have said that we should look at this as a new relationship, and that we are dating again. Well, the next time they say that, I'm going to be forced to inform them that I, or no man, would date someone for 3 months and continue doing so without any sign of physical interest whatsoever.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
