My H and I would joke about his ADHD personality. I called him 86% guy. Whatever project he was doing, he would almost always finish it to about 86% and then move onto something else.
I have a friend whose W says the same thing about him except it's 90%, LOL! She says "he is sooooo good at the first 90% of any project, I mean absolutely amazing, but that last 10%..." He just sits there laughing and nodding and says "yes it's true!" I kind of have those leanings, I really have to force myself to stick with it until it's done. Other projects try to lure me away but I know if I start them I'll never finish the one at hand. So I do finish my projects but it takes a lot of discipline to do that last 10%!
DV & FS - I am your H. Bo, I am you. I'm the forgetful one, the one that needed reminding, the one who never took ownership until W asked me 10 times. And then sometimes I was grateful for the reminder, and sometimes I was just so frustrated at not being treated like an adult.
On my own, I'm better. It's true, I have different priorities on my own that when it was W&I. She cared about a clean house - not obsessively clean, but dishes done every day, not letting clean laundry sit in the dryer. I have different priorities, and I always have.
I don't know what the answer would have been for my own behaviors to change in this. I'm trying now on my own, but it's just not my way of being. But when you're the only adult - you just do it. You take care of your life.
Originally Posted by FlySolo
His own 180 maybe but I think it has more to do with the fact that I am not around to carry the load.
This is it, I think FS. If there's one person who is always going to handle it - the forgetful spouse comes to rely on them. And feel unneeded. Or that we're doing it wrong. Letting the other person do things their own way and in their own time is so important.
An interesting discussion. DV, I do think this is related to how your H feels. Though humans are social creatures, we all have this internal need to just stand on our own two feet, not be coddled, and show the world we're capable. Maybe that's what he's really doing in some bass-ackwards way.
FS - That is exactly my H. He was completely checked out with the day-to-day childcare other than bathing them once in awhile when he was home. He mostly worked on his hobbies. Now that he is on his own, he is completely dialed in when he has them. It is great for them but is definitely a bit tough to take for me. Irritating that he is being the dad I always wanted him to be now that we aren’t together. I wonder if his place is tidy or if he mows the lawn. When he was home, he would sometimes do the dishes but that is about it.
Yail - I had relaxed on expectations the last few years as I came to think of it in that way... that it just wasn’t his priority and not something he was doing on purpose. My H did rely on me and also resented me for it because I do think he felt unneeded or worse, unappreciated. And that he was doing things wrong. Even if I didn’t say anything, he was always looking for signs that I was disapproving. I think he also always felt like I was comparing him to my dad internally. My dad was one in a million. An wonderful dad and a great husband. My mom rarely had to ask him to do anything. He would just notice what needed to be done and do it. He built our family home himself and kept it in pristine condition. If something needed fixing, he fixed it. He was an amazing man and taken from this world far too soon. I wish my H had known him. He would have loved him and learned a lot from him. My sister ran into an old family friend last year who told her that whenever he has a problem or decision to make, he still asks himself what my dad would do.
I do think that showing the world, and himself, that he can stand on his own two feet is part of this. I can’t be upset with him for that. It is something we all need to feel.
Today was a good day. My daughter texted me this afternoon that she was having her last volleyball game of the season. I didn’t have a lot going on at work so I decided to sneak away and surprise her. I thought briefly about not going in case my H was there but then I decided making her happy was more important than avoiding my H. Anyway... it was a needless worry as he wasn’t there. I don’t think he knew about it because it was a last minute make-up game. The look on my daughter’s face when I got there was awesome!!! She was so happy. Told me how excited she was to see me and must have told me 100 times on the drive home how much she loves me...lol. How can I hear that and NOT have a good day? She asked me if it would be okay if she joined basketball. Are you kidding me??? That was my sport!! Spent my summers at basketball camp and played during my undergrad too. So...lots of plans. Told her we would get a basketball and I will teach her what she needs to know. So excited!! Now if only I could get my son interested in something besides video games...
Been doing some self reflection today. It feels like I am moving forward on detachment. I think not having much contact with my H is helping with that. I saw him briefly from afar this morning for about one minute when he was dropping off our kids. The last time we saw each other for any longer than that was a week ago Sunday. Ten days and counting. I’m also making a concerted effort not to text him unless it is absolutely necessary or he initiates a text that requires a response. January 14th was the last time I sent him a text first and that was a brief message letting him know that all of our apple devices were still connected to his email and that I would need his help to figure out how to change that. I still have feelings of loss and moments when I want to talk to him but those eventually pass. I’m thinking of it as an addiction and forcing myself to go cold turkey. [Where does that expression come from anyway?] I still miss him every day but it is a feeling I am learning to live with.
Time to make my kids some dinner. Love and (((HUGS))) to you all!!!
I like the detachment progress, that's huge. You know that the negative emotions will pass and you handle them until they do. Perfect.
I think learning to live with that feeling of missing him is amazing. It will get easier and easier and easier and then one day you will wake up thinking about breakfast or coffee and not him. And you'll think to yourself, why did I let him occupy so much of my headspace.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
DV6...love your update! Keep putting all your love in your kids and enjoying all the time you can with them. Great help to know that pure genuine love exists in this world!
keep doing what you're doing detach wise. there's a song lyric i've used before that I like "that clock on the wall with cure it all, even though that ain't how it seems"...you will continue to get better and better...just have to make it through...
...but then I decided making her happy was more important than avoiding my H.
YES!!! And hopefully we are clear on this point around here, but "going dark" should not extend to skipping any kid functions just because the spouse might be there. No matter how much it hurts to see them we should by all means always support our kids in every way, and it's especially important to do so in the aftermath of BD! So well done
Let me just add my voice to the choir -- congrats on a great day! It is in appreciating those moments, feeling that gratitude, that we open our hearts and begin to look towards the future with optimism. Seek out those moments and cherish them!
hugs,
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
