It is not our kids that he cannot face. It is my sister and her husband who were coming over later on in the day. He could have stayed longer though. But you are right... he chose not to. He hasn’t been able to spend more than 30 minutes in our home since this all started. Not sure exactly what that is about - there could be a bunch of different reasons. I think it has a lot to do with guilt and shame and maybe also not wanting to get too comfortable as he is giving up a lot for his “freedom” and does not want to be reminded of that fact.
So he is a coward ... ... and the feeling of guilt and not wanting to face any reminders of what he has done was stronger than the desire to spend Christmas with his children ... who btw are now at the age where Christmas is still magical but in a few years, it will stop being so.
I would not miss these last years of childhood for anything. I went to the family boxing day lunch yesterday because my children love going and they love seeing us all together. They have my H's sense of family. I would not take that away from them. My H wasn't there (he had to work) so it was his parents, his sisters family, his sisters husbands parents and his sisters husbands sister and husband. No-one mentioned H wasn't there. No-one mentioned H had moved out. It was uncomfortable because I have not seen most of them since last boxing day, and the fact that we had split up hung over the room like a smelly elephants fart, but I smiled, I took the looks of pity, made jokes where appropriate, and said, when asked "how was your Christmas", "It was great thanks. The kids had a wonderful day ... D12 got a blah blah blah".
You do it for the kids. You put up with the discomfort and the looks so they have positive memories from the childhood. It is a hard time for them, the best we can do is make it as normal as possible. Change will happen inevitably - I can't imagine I will do Christmas next year, or be invited to boxing day lunch again, but if the changes happen gradually, then they will cope better. Terrible analogy but like the frog in the boiling water - as long as the water doesn't get too hot too quickly, the children will have time to get use to it.
I would say that describes him pretty well. Remember... this is the same person who pretended to be going for nightly medical treatment whilst seeing his children about an hour a day and when we lived on the mainland, would go days without seeing them even though sometimes he was only five minutes away [only he knows how often that was the case]. He has always put himself and his feelings first. Anything to avoid the discomfort of looking in the mirror and facing himself. I think that is one of the reasons he ran from me so hard...I am a mirror for him and I remind him of everything he is not. I am honest and I put the needs of my family ahead of my own. My H lies as easily as he breathes and he is always looking out for number one. Even when he thinks he is sacrificing for his family, he does not do it wholeheartedly. Rather, he wallows in self-pity and allows resentment to build. Gosh that is a hard truth to come to terms with. But you cannot ignore the evidence. It is what it is and he is who he is.
I hope he does the work to figure this stuff out but sadly, I think he is likely all talk in that department. He says he is going to go to counselling but I doubt an appointment has been made. I think he will just bide his time until he thinks he can get away with it and then find someone else to be "in love with" (if he hasn't already) for a couple of years until real life sets in once again.
NYE party last night. It was strange and good and a little sad all mixed up in one. I had four girlfriends over and their children. Three of them I met through D9 and the other I met through D12. All four of them, over the last 12 months either divorced, separated or been estranged from their H's. It was weird to see what different stages we are all at. One wants nothing to do with her H and finds him an annoyance (she left him), the other is accepting and (though sad at times) sees her H as the father of her kids (he has been a bit of a b***ard) and no more, the other's H is a functional alcoholic who she asked to leave (she would reconcile but with conditions) and the last H is in prison (she loves him but is unsure she can be with a man who made the choices he has made). Despite the gloomy intro above, we laughed a lot and there was very little talk of our H's.
I did not tell the children until 2 days ago about the party. I don't know why, I guess I didn't want them telling their dad. But MIL was over and she asked me if what our plans were. I said I am having some friends over. Because she is suspicious (H gets it from her) she instantly asked who was coming over. I said some of the mums I know. D12's ears pricked up and she wanted to know which mums, what time, what were we doing etc. They stayed at their dads that night, and when they came back she asked the same question of me again in front of him. I said it had been planned for a while, and she angrily when "and you only told us two days ago!!!". During the actual evening, D12 spent most of the night non her own. There were two girls her age, one of whom is one of her best friends, and she chose to spend the evening on the sofa watching a programme on her own. Her friends stayed in the dining room playing board games with us. I don't know what this was about, but suspect she felt the absence of her father, and as this is the first NYE party we have thrown and only the second party I have thrown that was not for her or her sister (the first was my birthday party in Oct and they spent the night with their dad) she was sensing another 'change' which is outside her control. She would not kiss me goodnight or let me walk her up to bed. She did not the previous night either. I guess no-one likes change, particularly change which is outside their control.
Anyway, At ten to midnight, we called all the children into the living room, sat around the fireplace and watched the countdown and the fireworks on TV. Then we did a little min disco with the children. I saw D12 smiling a little when she watched one of the girls (3) dancing around the living room. She had spent a lot of the evening looking after her, making sure she was OK and watching princess movies on TV with her. A reminder that I have raised good thoughtful children.
During the countdown D9 sat on my lap, with her little legs kicking excitedly and screamed 10, 9, 8 etc with all her little friends around her.
I have not seen H since Sunday when he dropped the kids off after having them over night. When he left, he said something about getting up early in the morning to do a flight and then not being back until today. He is picking the kids up at 5. I don't think I even got up when he left. Just waved him goodbye and said "See you in the new year". Looking back this seems rather cold. He called last night and D9 gave me the phone after speaking to him. He had hung up by the time I got to it. I sent a text saying "D9 gave me the phone but there was no-one there. Assume you didn't want to speak to me but text me in case it was a bad connection and I will call you back". I got a quick response saying "No - I just called to say happy new year to the girls before i went to bed but they were pre-occupied so very quick call. Enjoy your night and I will see you tomorrow". This was at 7:40 - so he was either on his way out or he was telling the truth and had an early flight. Even when he has an early flight he doesn't go to bed at 8 so assume he was going out. This is not me caring whether he goes out or not, I have not given it any more thought, and the thought of him being out NYE did not keep me up last night, I am just piecing together the pieces.
Slight detour into stream of consciousness. When H and I lived in London and before we had kids, one of the things he loved about me was that I was surrounded by people. I use to throw dinner parties all the time (casual affairs where people would come over, I would make a big batch of something and we would all sit around eating and laughing) and when ever we went out, everyone would always come back to mine for drinks and to crash. I would make everyone a big breakfast, and people would sit around our flat lazing about until lunchtime. When we had kids, this stopped. Partly because my friends lived in London, partly because we had kids and dinner parties are no easy with children, and I never really 'made much of an effort' with the mums (his words). I am starting to become that person again (albeit with children) and I think, if I were to say I was grateful for anything that happened the last year, it is that I am discovering her again. He calls my london friends 'friends of convenience' (i.e. not real friends) and I guess in that respect he is correct. I spend time with them because they are a distraction from my real life. I would not call them when I am in trouble or sad or in need of a hug. I have however sent texts saying "anyone out tonight - I don't want to go home' and there is always one or two of them willing to sit in a london bar and shoot the sh!t. However, I know real friendships take time. Some of my new friends will naturally drop away and the ones that remain will become real friends. I also have the mums - people who have been through what I have been through and are always ready with a cup of tea and a sympathetic ear. And I have this community. Things I would not have had if my H hadn't left me so broken that I finally needed to turn to people for help.
Anyway, here are my NY resolution. I will continue on my path to finding me ... saying yes to invites even when I don't really want to and asking people for help when I need it. I will trust people more. I will spend time with my kids doing things they want to do. I will live consciously. I will move on.
Quick update. I wrote the above this morning, before everyone had woken up. Two of the mums spent the night here with their children. When everyone else woke up (around 10) I had already tidied up and had made put out a big continental breakfast of croissants and bread, cheese, cherry tomatoes, grapes and cold meats.
They finally left at 4 today after spending the day lazing around the kitchen, eating leftovers, drinking tea and coffee and listening to the children playing in the other rooms.
It was a perfect day and I very much felt like me again. The me before him,
I read your last 2 posts here as well as the last exchange we had on Paco's thread. I haven't been following your posts before, but from what I read this week, I think I get a sense of where you are.
First, I'm sorry for what you've been going through.
Despite what I wrote on Paco's post, I really admire what you've been doing. I know how difficult this can be. The fact that you were able to take an honest look at yourself is a sign of great courage and wisdom. After my W's BD, I went through the same process and have been working on myself since then.
What is curious, however, is that your description of how you acted when you were hurt during the M resembles how my W acted as well. Yet, in my case, she is the one who left. I always assumed that her way to become "emotionally detached" and close off (to use your own terms) is what changed her feelings toward me.
Anyway, you seem to be doing the right things to be able to rediscover yourself and be happy in life. I wish you the best of luck in your journey
Me:49 XW:41, M:18 years, Kids: S18,S14 BD:JULY 2017, W moved out: DEC 2017 Filed for D: APR 2019, D Final: JULY 2019
Thank you Kiro. I have read and respect your response on other peoples thread and thank you for taking the time to write the note above. The mirror is a terrible thing but was necessary in order for me to understand my role in the breakdown of our marriage and to [start] to forgive my H for the actions he took. It only happened when I stopped looking at him and trying to fix him. I cannot do that. He has to do that. He is not there yet. First he has to stop blaming me for all his misery.
I will respond on the similarities between myself and your W on your thread. I don't know if it will help but know it is information i share with you from a place of honesty and kindness.
Can you explain why the mirror was a terrible thing in your case?
In my case, I was more like your H. I criticized, I was controlling, uptight, and perfectionist, I didn't show her appreciation and love, I didn't compliment her... And I also had my own insecurities and self esteem issues.
So my mirror was a very dard place to be. But in your case, from your description, your main issue was the way you reacted to pain by distancing yourself and detaching. This doesn't seem such a dark thing in comparison...
Me:49 XW:41, M:18 years, Kids: S18,S14 BD:JULY 2017, W moved out: DEC 2017 Filed for D: APR 2019, D Final: JULY 2019
I met my H at work. My fiancé (at the time) had been asked to lead a new team over here and I had come with him. The plan was to stay for two years, see a little of Europe, collect bonuses (he was/is and investment banker) and then go home and get married. I didn't need to work but I was going stir crazy in the flat and we agreed I needed an outlet. So I started working. H worked in the same department as me and we started an affair. I didn't think it would last - a symptom of the problems in my relationship or early onset quarter life crises - so I left my BF anyway. Plus H and I weren't right for each other. He worked on the help desk and I was already being fast tracked for a management position. He left school with no qualifications and I had two masters and was considering doing a PhD when I went back home.
That's one ... on some level I thought I was better than him and when things turned sour I let him know in lots of passive aggressive indirect ways.
My exBF was always in the picture. We had been together over 10 years and had known each other since we were 12. I would not give him up. Not because I wanted to go back ... but because he is my link to my past (I do not talk to my parents) and the one I have always counted on to be there for me. My H didn't like it. He thought my ex was always waiting in the wings like a night in shining armour to take me away from the to live in his castle. Whether my H was right or not doesn't matter (for the record, he was right) - it was the fact that I did not consider my H's feelings when choosing to maintain a friendship with my ex. God, how it must have made him feel ... my ex with all his money and his undying love for me. That's two: refusing to see past my own feelings.
At first there was no expectations. I always thought it would end once the novelty wore off. I was always on the look out for signs and, looking back, in those early years, never fully committed. I don't mean looking at other people, but I didn't ever want him to think I was 'too much into him'. I guess that set the groundwork for our relationship. He was more into weekends away and valentines and anniversaries than me. He would plan romantic dinners and holidays. He use to say I lacked sentimentality. I just didn't want him to know how much he meant to me.
Three:. I did not want him to see me be vulnerable so I pretended not to care.
A year into our relationship he decided to retrain as a pilot. He spoke to me about it and I agreed to cover all shared costs as long as he paid for his training. I calculated he would never make it past middle management in his current job and long term it was the best thing for us. I didn't mind too much. We were investing in us. But a part of me, a tiny kernel felt he was taking advantage of me. When he started to earn as much, the kernel grew but I rationalised it by saying he still had his student debts to pay but when they were paid off and he still wasn't contributing his share, the doubt plagued on my mind constantly ... and it started to reflect in my actions. I started making known how 'unimportant' he was. When he was home I started to treat him like he wasn't even here. I wouldn't ask him how his flight went. I would stop listening when he talked. I would talk to everyone in the room but him. I started to live a separate life with the children. He didn't pull away.
So, number four: I pushed him away with my indifference.
Finally ... and this is my hubris - sheer arrogance. I thought I could live without him and I told him in a thousand and one ways that I did not need him.
There were others. Comments whispered as I walked out the room. Refusing to come to bed some nights because I wanted to punish him. Times when I would literally not talk to him for 2 days.
That is the summarised version. The version that focuses on me. I know I do not come out of it well. He is not innocent though. We did it together.
