It’s been a while since my last journal and, yes, mostly due to GALg. Unfortunately, GALg in London in December mostly consists of drinking a lot - Nef, the devil may be in your smile, but he has been on my shoulder, slyly whispering “have one more, go on, you know you want too’. I finished up Thursday and now have two weeks of for the holidays. I am a little relieved as I am not sure my liver (or wallet) could take any more.
I am in a place called Centreparcs with my kids for three days now. For those that don’t know, centerparcs is a chain of holiday villages in the middle of the forest - all centred around an indoor water park. We’ve been swimming, hired bikes for etc. We have just come back from a bike ride and the kids are now both playing on their phones. H drove the girls down yesterday as I had some errands to do in the morning and I joined them at lunch. He left last night as he had an early flight this morning. I wish I knew where things are with us but I don’t. Friendly, with lots left unsaid.
It looks like the ski trip may be under threat. H has spoken with his mum and told her he will not be around that week at all to help out. She is now unsure if she wants the girls all week - I had told her he should be home 2 or 3 nights (as he normally is) but he says he won’t be here at all. She now wants to have a chat. I will be really disappointed as was looking forward to it. I am not sure if he is being difficult but suspect he probably is.
I have slept with the ‘boy’. I do not feel guilty but I do know it was wrong. Not because I felt like I was cheating, but because it was fundamentally wrong. I am not yet ready and I do not have real feelings for him. I do not think he has real feelings for me either. We slept very far away from each other - my H and I (before BD) always touched when we slept (my arms wrapped around him or vice verse). Post BD I use to make myself small so I didn’t accidentally touch him. It felt like that - I didn’t want to touch him in case he thought I felt it was more than it was. It felt dishonest. We have been out together (in groups) since and we avoided one another. I have two weeks off work now so hopefully the awkwardness will have gone by the time I get back.
I am a little anxious about Christmas Day. I am very disorganised this year and feel ill prepared. I have another day and a half to get prepared. It will be very strange.
I am intrigued by you. Maybe b/c you're in big city England and I'm in suburban, almost rural America. I admire your strength. It's not easy to go and make things happen sometimes, like take that trip, go out, do what you have to do to find some happiness.
Your "boy" filling your temporary needs piques my interest. Of course, I've wanted that too. I want to be heard and felt and understood. Or at least occupied. You compare him to your H, of course it's different.
Your H is strange bird right now, I will continue to support you doing what you need to do to heal, find yourself, and move forward. It's hard and strange to live like this, but it won't be forever. Life will get better. Merry Christmas.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Wow..when you are away a couple days, lots of things happen. I am glad you don’t feel guilty...you have no reason to be. Sounds like you and the boy are on the same page so not a huge deal. Gives you an idea of where you are at emotionally. Please don’t beat yourself up about it.
I also feel unprepared for Christmas. Usually I am ultra organized but this year my heart isn’t in it the way it usually is. I will make it good though...for my kids. And I know you will do the same. No expectations...that’s the key, I think. And focus on the two little beings that matter most. We are blessed in that department, you and I. Today I volunteered at a breakfast for the homeless and I was reminded of just how lucky I am...with or without my H.
I think your H is being difficult too. Hopefully you can take your trip anyway. (((FS)))
I admire your strength. It's not easy to go and make things happen sometimes, like take that trip, go out, do what you have to do to find some happiness.
My strength, hmmnnn, I’m not sure about how strong I am. I give a good game ... that’s all. Inside I still sometimes feel like I’m falling apart. I notice now that those feelings are after the fact. I guess that’s what they mean by living in the moment. Afterwards, I still wish for the days where we would put the kids to bed and sit quietly on the sofa together, drink cups of tea and watch rubbish TV. I conveniently forget that it was always me getting up to make the tea and always his program on the TV. I plan trips and go out not because I am searching for happiness - it is simply to fill the space he left. It is not a search for happiness, it is an escape from the sadness. Don’t get me wrong, there are moments of happiness. Momentarily being with someone who wanted to be with me after the near constant rejection of the last year - there was happiness in that.
I guess the sleeping with someone must seem strange. I guess all I can say is I know I am a good person. I did not look at another man for 16 years and would not have if this had not happened. My H left me. He wanted to see if the grass is greener. I have done the same. For the record, the grass is not greener but it is also not the scary wilderness I had painted in my head. The last two months my mindset has changed. I am no longer scared - I will be ok. The boy is not the man for me but I know that, if things do not turn out for H and I, the world is a big place and I am not the hideous mess that no-one would ever want.
Am I healing , I think so. I feel better. I don’t cry and I can interact with him like a normal person. But, I would still give anything for him to turn around and say he wants to work on us.
DV - I sense we are both moving on ... just in different ways. I suspect your way is healthier - but we will both get to acceptance ... this I know.
FS... I sense that you are feeling a bit down. Not sure about the healthier aspect. I am just taking it one day at a time. I, too, would give anything for my H to turn around and say he wants to work on us. But i know he won’t. He is too far gone. He has been thinking about this for years. He feels compelled to finish it. I wish he had had more faith in us when all of these thoughts of his started to take over. But he didn’t... he ruminated and ran away. That says a lot about his character and values. He has much work to do and I hope, for his sake, that he does it instead of jumping into another R in order to distract himself from the sheer weight of what it must feel like to leave your family and lie to everyone who cares about you. It must be a lonely place indeed. A different kind of lonely than what you and I are dealing with, I think.
Chin up. You are getting there...as am I. Much love to you and your family. (((FS)))
Read your last post. I agree with DV6; it’s not a healthier way, just different at the moment. I also recognise everything that you say from my own feelings. I guess we’re faking it until we make it??
For the majority of the time I am super strong. I tell people I’m moving on and am better off without him causing drama. Saw an IFA, seen the lawyer, started looking at houses. But .....
The kids were fab yesterday. So very proud of them but today I’m sad because there is another person who should be sharing that pride. Another day with family today and I plant a smile for the sake of everybody else but it doesn’t reach right into my soul. Perhaps it will with time. So, I accept my situation and can and will deal with it, but I don’t like it.
Lawyer was very pragmatic and advised me to get out financially ASAP. She reckons he’s hiding things and I have potentially more to lose than him due to his general recklessness and burying of head in sand. So I geared myself up before Christmas to get pensions valued etc etc. Now I feel like an adversary. I know I can’t trust him but how are we enemies after 30 years?
It’s almost as if I could do with him doing one last awful thing so that it’ll push me over the edge. What sane person wants that? I think because I see so little of him, the truth of what he has done is receding in my mind. I’m making excuses for him again and thinking they weren’t that bad.
He spent Christmas Day alone, odd when he and OW were talking about Christmas plans back in August when he was still coming back here.
Hopefully sanity will return to me shortly and I’m sorry for hijacking your thread. I just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone in your feelings.
Hi Yorkie - thanks for dropping by and sorry I haven't responded earlier. Reading things yourself and DV write I am often reminded of the two parts of me that no one can take away ... my strength and my empathy. Both, like the two of you, are a blessing, and have helped me to navigate this hell with my head up and my heart open (ish). I hope, to some small extent, I have done the same for the two of you.
I will respond on the Christmas day in a separate (and likely very long) entry ... but for now
Originally Posted by Yorkie
For the majority of the time I am super strong. I tell people I’m moving on and am better off without him causing drama. Saw an IFA, seen the lawyer, started looking at houses. But .....
The kids were fab yesterday. So very proud of them but today I’m sad because there is another person who should be sharing that pride. Another day with family today and I plant a smile for the sake of everybody else but it doesn’t reach right into my soul. Perhaps it will with time. So, I accept my situation and can and will deal with it, but I don’t like it
Strength, I described it above as a blessing. But, behind that particular blessing is always a tiny sliver of a curse. Same with "honorable" and "reasonable" and "she will cope". Sometimes I want to stop smiling and tell people "my world has fallen apart" and to stick those words up right up their a***e and to just let me cry and breakdown and go off the rails. Sometimes I wish I was less honorable and less reasonable and less strong. Sometimes I want someone to look after ME.
But I am strong and I am reasonable and I am honorable, so I will continue smiling and telling people "I am fine".
Originally Posted by Yorkie
Lawyer was very pragmatic and advised me to get out financially ASAP. She reckons he’s hiding things and I have potentially more to lose than him due to his general recklessness and burying of head in sand. So I geared myself up before Christmas to get pensions valued etc etc. Now I feel like an adversary. I know I can’t trust him but how are we enemies after 30 years?
When I was in my 20's I split from my ex (to be with H). We had been together 10 years (since we were 14). I left with nothing and started again from scratch. He had a lot of money (he was a banker and it was the days of the massive bonus) but I walked away with nothing anyway. But I could do that because I was 24 (and strong and honorable and reasonable) and I knew I had my whole life ahead of me. There wasn't anything that couldn't be rebuilt or rebought. The separation, once be got over the betrayal and I got over the guilt, was an amicable one and we are still friends.
But your H is not in his 20's and he has a shed load of 'stuff' invested in your MR which can no longer be rebuilt or rebought. Your L is right, he will have hidden stuff and he will fight for it. Why has it turned adversarial ... because there is money involved. Once it becomes adversarial, the façade will drop, and he will fight and it won't even be about the money, it will be to make a point. You can do this though. You are about the strongest woman I know.
Originally Posted by Yorkie
It’s almost as if I could do with him doing one last awful thing so that it’ll push me over the edge. What sane person wants that? I think because I see so little of him, the truth of what he has done is receding in my mind. I’m making excuses for him again and thinking they weren’t that bad.
It WAS that bad. And he will do one last awful thing and many last awful things before this is over. And in a few years ... when you are at a graduation, or at a wedding, you will look over, and see both the man you loved for 30 years, and the man who betrayed you so brutally, and none of it will matter because you are there to celebrate a graduation or a wedding and it will no longer be about the two of you.
Originally Posted by Yorkie
He spent Christmas Day alone, odd when he and OW were talking about Christmas plans back in August when he was still coming back here.
Well laid plans and all that. A reminder to all those fantasist and escapist that life is not perfect.
Three days since my last entry and again it seems like a lifetime. Two steps forward, one step back.
H came around Christmas eve and spent the night (in the spare room). A few strange moments where it seemed, despite the awkwardness, like he had never left and we were still a family. These occur mostly when we are with the children, or talking about the children, or doing something for the children. A few moments which reminded me how controlling he can be: we got D12 hover skates and he had asked me when they arrived a few weeks ago to make sure they were working and re-charged. I forgot. He went into his normal passive aggressive stance, "well they better be ok because its too late to send them back now", "it's a good thing they CAME fully charged otherwise we wouldn't have time to wrap them". Only one moment where the hairs stood up on the back of my neck - when he suddenly had to take the dog for a walk (which I assume he had to make a call). I don't' know if he is seeing anyone - I think he is just really really private. Also, and this is weird, I was wrapping presents in my room and he was downstairs with the girls. I kept the door shut but he still kept coming in without knocking. In the morning, I was downstairs making breakfast, and had to go upstairs to get something and he was having a shower in my ensuite. It just didn't feel right. I wouldn't just go into someone's room or have a shower in their shower.
Christmas day came and it was good. We got up early to open presents with the girls (he had put fake footprints next to the fire place and arranged all their presents) and then we had breakfast. After breakfast I started preparing food (his entire family were coming over). Once everyone arrived, it was just like it use to be, except we weren't together. Everyone stayed until about 2 in the morning. We watched movies and played board games and generally had a lovely day. There was a sadness to it though - if we can't sort things out then this is our last Christmas as a family. I can't imagine I will entertain his family again. The jumper I bought him was too big and he managed to get in a "I think you gave me someone else's present" (like I said, passive aggressive).
He stayed over again that night as it is his birthday boxing day and I said it would be nice for him to wake up with the girls. He had to go at 10 as he was working that day so wouldn't have seen them for very long if he had to go back to the flat and then come back in the morning. I gave him a hug when he came down and wished him a happy birthday then stupidly and quickly said "ILU". I don't know why. It was all a bit too much for me. When he left I walked him to the door and asked him for a hug. The weight of it being our last Christmas together as a family was too much for me. He held me for a bit and then said he felt the same. I've been holding it together for so long and, I don't know, in a moment of weakness, I started crying and said to him how could he do this to us and, this is our family and it all seemed so unnecessary. He started to get tears in his eyes and said he had to go.
He sent me a text later saying thank you for his present, that he loved it and that I should not have spent so much money. I replied that it was OK, I wanted to get him something I knew he'd like and then put a smiley face emoji (to make it seem a bit more casual). I have not spoken to him since.
Boxing day lunch with his family but without him and then home again.
Don’t beat yourself up about your moment of vulnerability FS. Sounds like he had one too. I maintain my belief that he will want to come back one day...for real. Whether or not you will want him back is another matter. You have been incredibly strong and stoic in all of this...putting your children first. I am envious that you are able to still spend time together as a family even though you are not technically together. My children had about ten minutes of that this Christmas and are back to seeing one or the other. My heart breaks for them in that regard. I never had to go through this as a child and I am so grateful for that. I gave my H a framed photo of him and his three kids that I took when we were in Mexico last year. I put on the card that it was from the children but obviously he knew that I had put it together. He thanked me a number of times and said it was “lovely”. And it was... different time, different person. I hope he looks at it and remembers that we had some good times too.
Anyway...chin up. Back to GAL and DBing. You are doing great. Don’t be afraid of the outcome. What will be will be. (((FS)))
I am envious that you are able to still spend time together as a family even though you are not technically together. My children had about ten minutes of that this Christmas and are back to seeing one or the other. My heart breaks for them in that regard. I never had to go through this as a child and I am so grateful for that. I gave my H a framed photo of him and his three kids that I took when we were in Mexico last year. I put on the card that it was from the children but obviously he knew that I had put it together. He thanked me a number of times and said it was “lovely”. And it was... different time, different person. I hope he looks at it and remembers that we had some good times too.
I am going to hijack my own thread for you DV
I do not get your H. How he could not want to spend Christmas with his kids. Your H is on his way to having THREE children he does not know. Is he so ashamed of his behavior that he cannot even face his own kids ?!?!?
The photo was a lovely idea - and further evidence that at the heart of it, you are a decent person who wants your H to have a relationship with his children. You are too good for him DV.
I am glad you don’t feel guilty...you have no reason to be. Sounds like you and the boy are on the same page so not a huge deal. Gives you an idea of where you are at emotionally. Please don’t beat yourself up about it.