Your simple statement, "I am more positive about life when I do not see him," is incredibly helpful.
It's a great reminder for me, even as I try to focus on my life, to continue to be a positive presence during the few times W and I get together. In the most basic terms, I hope this is the question she can eventually answer in the affirmative: "Am I happier when I am with him than when I am not?"
It has been a while since I've written an entry. Things have been busy and in all honesty, I do not know where I am right now emotionally.
I have continued to become more positive about my future each day. I do not think of him much other than when I am about to see him, seeing him, or have just seen him. I find our interactions increasingly awkward. He has most of the lat week off so he has been seeing the children a lot. He has been coming around to the house and 'doing stuff' whilst I have been at work. I went into the office each day last week, both because I enjoy the interactions at work, and because I do not enjoy my interactions with him. He has increasingly become moody when he has been with me (mainly because I am out so much these days). He still does not ask, but I can tell it upsets him.
For example, I went out Wednesday night, and after one too many drinks, I decided to book a hotel and stay in London (on my own). He had the children so didn't think anything of it. It felt strange (and a little painful) getting to the hotel room and not texting him to tell him I was OK, but I figured he is not my H anymore, and therefore I did not need to tell him. In the morning I got a text at 10:30 saying "Girls got to school OK. D9 a bit upset you didn't come home as told her she would see you in the morning. D9 enjoyed the school Christmas festival at church" followed by 3 photos from D9's assembly and a video. I thought a bit about whether to respond, but eventually relented, and said "Thanks. She looks adorable. Sorry I missed it". He sent a few more texts about the festival with short responses from me. He then said he would wait at the house for me to come home that evening as the girls wanted to see me before going to his place to stay the night.
Last night he told me I had to be back by 7 so he could go to play football. I was home by 6 and when he brought them back at 7 he said "You're home early" (evidence I think that he is watching that f**king camera). He sat down in the kitchen for a bit and there was awkward silence. I eventually said "girls, daddy has to go, come kiss him goodbye". He said he was going to stay for half an hour because football didn't start until 8:00. I said "oh, I'll just go get changed out of my suit then" and as I walked upstairs, I heard him say to no-one in particular "ridiculous". When I came downstairs he asked if I could drop our dog to his flat Tuesday morning (the girls as staying with him Monday night) so he can take her to get her haircut. I said I couldn't as I was going for a drink Monday night and would have to leave the car at the station and catch a taxi in the morning. He pulled a face, went "urgh, fine, I'll sort it out".
So, whilst I get Steve's point that every interaction either brings us closer together or pulls us further apart I do not know what the appropriate DB response is. I am detaching (which is the only action available to me in this sh!t of a situation) and he is responding with passive aggressiveness, anger and masked emotional guilting. I cannot validate snide remarks.
So, whilst I get Steve's point that every interaction either brings us closer together or pulls us further apart I do not know what the appropriate DB response is. I am detaching (which is the only action available to me in this sh!t of a situation) and he is responding with passive aggressiveness, anger and masked emotional guilting. I cannot validate snide remarks.
I'd vote that you doing you is the appropriate response. Maybe you can't validate, but your detachment is fantastic. His temper tantrums are his business, and in my view should be ignored, as you seem to have been doing.
If you were escalating his tantrum, I'd say that would be a "pull apart" action. But I don't think every interaction has potential to bring you closer. Sometimes just not alienating is the best you can do, and I'm sure he recognizes that there's nothing to fight against and that his snide remarks fall on deaf ears.
I think emotionally you are doing really well. You can’t validate passive aggressive, sulky, throw my toys out of the pram comments. Particularly ones that are made behind your back. You could take the bait and challenge them but that is likely to push away. And give him the excuse to say how unreasonable you are. Ignore him, he’s being pathetic.
Either your GAL is starting to affect him ie jealous and starting to see how great you are ( and is putting him in a spin) or he’s showing his true colours. Only time will tell. Whichever, it’s no longer all about him, you’re living you’re life irrespective. That’s hard to stomach for someone who has narcissistic tendencies.
Yep...he is not enjoying the DB version of FS. Careful what you wish for...is the phrase that comes to mind. I echo what has already been said. You are doing great FS!!! Personally, I think your sitch is one where he will want to return but you have moved on. You win either way, right?
FS, I wonder if it's not so much that "every interaction either brings us closer together or pulls us further apart," but that we live out our best version of ourselves, regardless? Doing so may bring you closer, may pull you apart, or may have no effect whatsoever. That choice is yours and that of your H's.
In my sitch, at least for now, the corollary of choosing the best version of myself entails waiting for W, even as I move on with my life's work. My choice to wait may change over time. And W's understanding of the best version of herself may also change in time.
Today I tried the be more pleasant approach - not throwing myself at him, but being slightly less 'detached'. Smile, respond with more than a Yes, No or Sure. There was plenty of opportunity as we spent all of today together with the kids.
Nothing out of the ordinary really. Casual conversation. He did most of the talking as he went out with the dad's football team for their Christmas get together last night and he wanted to talk about it. There was one awkward moment when he asked if I was taking the kids anywhere for half term in Feb. I reminded him he had said he was taking the children away and that I was going away in Feb too. He asked when and I said the week before half term. He was not happy this would mean my not seeing the kids for 2 weeks, despite the fact he arranged for his mum took to take the kids away for 2.5 weeks last summer without consulting me (he didn't give a scoobies about the kids being away from me then). He asked logistics questions: who will look after them - his mum, already sorted), why can't I go in the half term instead (because I am not going on my own and the prices hike up during half term) and what am I doing anyway (skiing). He then said something about sorting through his skiing stuff and taking it to his flat (my response "cool").
He did the footie dad's Christmas dinner last year. It was about a month post BD. I was out that night too and I ran into him at a club. He had seen me dancing with some men (just dancing) and had spent the entire night glaring at me from the side of the dance floor. I decided to ignore him and he got angrier and angrier. We took a cab home together, had a fight in the cab, and then ended up in bed together. That was the last time he told me he loved me (he repeated it over and over) without prompting. The last time he told me how beautiful I was. He spent the whole night holding me like he never wanted to let me go. I noticed he had taken his ring off during the night and when I asked him he said he had taken it off at the gym. We were fine that day. Back to normal. He kept walking over and cuddling me. Later, I found the ring in the pocket of his jeans - when I confronted him he said it was because I was dancing with other men. I believed him (I still do) but after the confrontation he retreated again - back to the alien.
I opened a Christmas card from his mum today. It says "Merry Christmas to both of you". He said his mum didn't know what to put so he said to just give it to both of us. He asked me if I wanted to go halves on a present for his mum. I said sure. Never mind that I have paid for every birthday present and Christmas present for pretty much his entire family for the last 15 years. This year when he knows I probably won't buy a present, he wants to go halves !!!
I will likely not see him now until Thursday. He has the kids tomorrow night and I am out. He then goes away for two days returning Thursday morning. He will pick up the kids in the morning and have them all day and overnight.
Dropping in to say “hi”. I am glad you stuck to your guns regarding your ski holiday. I admire your courage...travelling alone. I was thinking the other day that perhaps my being an identical twin has, in some ways, handicapped me with respect to my discomfort of being alone. In a sense, I have been in a committed R my entire life. With men, it is the same. Very little casual dating for me. This is my second marriage but I was also engaged two times before that and did not make it to the altar. The first time was because we were so young and each other’s “first” [everything]. The second time was a relationship I had about two years before meeting my H. He was crazy about me but I wasn’t quite so enamoured... just terrified of hitting my 40s without having had kids. I woke up just in time and decided it would be better to be childless than to be married to someone I didn’t really love.
Your H isn’t upset that you will be away from the kids for two weeks. He is upset that you will be away from HIM for two weeks. Keep doing what you are doing. Whether you get to the point where you no longer want him back or he gets to the point where he is willing to put aside his pride and ask for a second chance... you will be better off either way. I think you are doing exceptionally well and you are an inspiration to me. (((FS)))
FS, have no mercy when detaching. You are doing a good job with your DBing. Each time I read your updates I have my devil smile with anticipation. No mercy girl, you are a DBer. What’s happening with some girls here?
Keep doing what works FS
(((Hugs)))
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
