It has been a few days since I've properly posted a journal entry. It is still Christmas season in London so there have been lots of drinks to go to. In previous years I would have given most of them a miss, or made an appearance, had one drink, and then headed home. It is an hour commute home and I always hated being tipsy on the train. Still hate being tipsy on the train, but I am enjoying the drinks nights.
I went out with the 'boy' (I am going to call the 28 year old - who is actually 30, that from now on). Most unsuitable but had a nice night out dancing. We talked some and he is broken and filling the void with alcohol and sex. But he is fun to watch and being around him boosts my self esteem. I will not be sleeping with him though. I am too old for that.
I am a little hungover this morning. H came over at 8:30 this morning to pick up the girls for netball. I was planning on giving it a miss today as would rather stay in bed. D12 woke up and said she didn't want to go, so he ended up hanging around here for two hours until D9's game started. I sat downstairs watching cartoons with him and D9 for a bit, but was obvious he was in a mood, so went up to my room, closed the door and slept for an hour. When I came back down he had been putting some Christmas lights out the front. He said something about some of them being broken and I would have to buy some new ones. I mumbled OK. I offered to keep D12 with me while he took D9 to netball (it is his day and he is supposed to have both of them) and then said I would come into town with them after. He snapped "so you can get your car from the station". I said "yes, and I thought I'd come have lunch with you guys". He wasn't having any of that. Simply said "we are watching a movie and just getting snacks there". This is unlike him. Normally he is very courteous when it comes to spending time together with the kids. I don't know what has happened to turn him (again).
So, will get my car and have lunch in town on my own. I might also get a facial and do some Christmas shopping before he returns the kids at 5. He is going out tonight. I however, unlike him, will not behave like a moody cow just because he has been out boozing with his buddies.
Interesting thing happened to me the other day. I got off the train in the morning to discover it was raining. An inbetween kind of rain, more than spitting, less than torrential. It is about a ten minute walk from the station to the office and I contemplated waiting it out but it looked unlikely to stop any time soon. So I braved it. I walked with my head up and the rain and cold air on my skin felt wonderful. Everyone else was running madly but I walked calmly but with determination. When I got in, my hair was plastered to my head but my clothes, underneath my coat was dry. Luckily I don’t wear a lot of makeup so I did not have to contend with racoon eyes, so damage was minimal. I was smiling from ear to ear. Must have looked like a crazy person. But I am not. I was just happy. My team laughed good natured my and I said, “I know, I know I look like a drowned rat but, honestly, that rain felt glorious”.
I am more positive about life when I do not see him.
Sounds like you are really starting to stretch your wings and I think your H is being an a$$ because he knows you are. His comment about your car being at the station makes that pretty clear. He’s starting to figure out what he has lost and you are starting to figure out what you have gained. Your focus is shifting and so is his. I would expect that stormier days are ahead for your H and sunnier skies for you. Keep moving forward FS. You’ve got this!!!!
I was smiling from ear to ear. Must have looked like a crazy person. But I am not. I was just happy. My team laughed good natured my and I said, “I know, I know I look like a drowned rat but, honestly, that rain felt glorious”.
That is an amazing update. The ability to find joy in even quotidian moments is so important, and such a positive sign. You are on the right path. I know that as I found those moments more and more I realized that my sitch didn't define me or my happiness. It was completely up to me. Your happiness does not depend on your H, or anyone outside of yourself.
May you keep making progress! Hugs!
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
I am more positive about life when I do not see him.
Yes. Seeing H usually puts me in a funk for a day or two. I don't like it. I love how you got such happiness out of just everyday life. You are definitely on the right track!
Thank you DV, Grace, Yorkie and Davide. I am feeling really positive at the moment. The only thing that gets me down is time spent with my H - he doesn't throw me into a spin anymore, but the little remarks do throw me for a split second. Something about projecting negative energy.
I am still sometimes small in his presence (when he is moody) but I am better at offsetting it. Project positive vibes, right?
When he came back there were a few comments, but I just ignored the comments. I heard him say to D9, "mummies being rude, I'll just take you and D12 and go into town". I replied "I'm sorry - when was I rude". He said something about ignoring D9's question - I asked her to repeat her question and she said she didn't ask one. So he backtracked, and drove me in. While we were in the car he asked me if I wanted to have lunch and go to the movies. I said I had some errands to run.
He dropped the girls off earlier. He stayed for a bit (no real conversation) and before he left I smiled and said to have a "great time tonight". I then shut the door behind him and went to tidy the kitchen without so much as another thought. Right now I am rocking this detached thing. Can't say I will be at half two tonight when the tunnels appear, but right now I can honestly say I have no expectations and I am more or less building a life without him.
Thank you DV, Grace, Yorkie and Davide. I am feeling really positive at the moment. The only thing that gets me down is time spent with my H - he doesn't throw me into a spin anymore, but the little remarks do throw me for a split second. Something about projecting negative energy.
I think this is natural and it will be for awhile. I feel like I'm doing well, but talking to XW (in person or on the phone) still gets me down. It's just feel strange that the woman I spent the last 17 years with treats me like I mean nothing to her.
H - I will respond more fully later. It is awkward sometimes because we hide so much from each other - lots of emotions boiling away underneath the surface.
I will say, as hard as it will be, to not let her set the temperature in the room. Pleasant but not forthcoming. If she starts a conversation, engage pleasantly but keep things at a superficial level. Don’t start conversations yourself unless it’s logistical or practical. Don’t ask questions about what she’s been up to. If she asks you, tell the truth but don’t over share. This is about the kids not you or her so keep the passive aggressiveness and sarcasm to yourself (as much as you’ll want to say it). If she is sarcastic or passive aggressive then change the topic or calmly leave the room. Do not take the bait. Can’t temember who it was (AnotherStander or Ready2Change I think) who use to psych himself up before coming home (like football players do before a game) by punching the air and saying something like “I got this”.
Many times you will want to go in your room, shut the door and cry or scream. It is ok to do this - you are human and it [censored]. If you need to post, vent or cry here - someone will always be listening.
