DV6, I've been with my W for 24 years, over half of my life. We are the last couple from our childhood friends. My old friends have found their new lives, with their new partners and they are truly happy for it. Life goes on.
When W and I used to date, during our rough patches we would ask if we should split or keep up the madness. We always told each other that the relationship, the other person, was worth putting in the work. We lost that focus when we got married and had kids. The kids became our world. I lost focus of her and myself. We both need to walk through fire to be reborn. I'd like to think the new person she becomes would be worth waiting for.
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
I like to think of it this way. I am not waiting and I am not actively trying to move on. I am just being. Living in the moment without thinking in terms of 'will this bring him back' or 'I need to start moving on'. Some days I miss the hell out of him. Some days, I am so glad I no longer have to worry about what mood he is going to be in. One day I will just cease to measure my actions in terms of the impact it has on him. Until them, one foot in front of the other. I no longer measure my happiness in terms of his happiness.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
I know that I am grieving and I’ve come to realize that no matter how hard I work at it, there is not short cut to getting past it. It took my H over four years. Why should I expect to be past it in two and a half months? Thirteen years is a long time to be with someone and for you it was longer. That just doesn’t go away overnight.
Nope - there is no shortcut. The tears come less frequently though and there are far fewer tunnels to go running down. You start to care less about things. I don't worry about where he is, who he is with or what he is doing. It really doesn't bother me anymore. I think this is because I know he is broken and no matter how much he tries to fix himself with external distractions, he can't even begin to be fixed until he looks inside himself. Until he does this, there is no hope for an R with me or with anyone else. He is not running from me (though I too need fixing), he is running from himself. When and if that ever happens, it may be too late for us as I am far further in the 'fixing' department then he is ... and I might just have outgrown him.
Your H wasn't grieving for those four years, he was spending that time (maybe unconsciously) fantasizing about his great escape. In order to grieve something, it has to a) be gone and b) you have to see value in it. In that sense, his grieving process started at the same time as yours except his is different - it is a mixture of grief, guilt and, also not yet fully realizing the value in what he has thrown away.
Originally Posted by Adam04
We always told each other that the relationship, the other person, was worth putting in the work. We lost that focus when we got married and had kids. The kids became our world. I lost focus of her and myself. We both need to walk through fire to be reborn. I'd like to think the new person she becomes would be worth waiting for.
There is, I believe an unspoken pact between parents that they will sacrifice a bit of themselves for the betterment of their children until such a time as the children no longer need them in that way. So, holidays become about the children (lots of trips to Disneyland), homes move outside town where there are larger gardens and better schools. The drunken nights out become few and far between and dinner parties stop because you can't have a dinner party with children. Unfortunately, for some of us here, our S were not aware of this pact. On some level I knew he wasn't buying into this, and I resented him for it. He knew I resented him, felt guilty, and then resented me for making him feel guilty. Meanwhile, neither of us said anything. I guess the unspoken part of the pact should have been a little more spoken.
Really good day today. Nothing major happened. Laughed a lot at work. Met a girlfriend for lunch. She laughed when she saw me and said 'who have you been sh@gging' - I told her no-one. I was just finally finding me again. Mentioned that I no longer felt married and she said I hadn't been married for 14 months. That hurt. Other people's measure of how long it should take one to move on. She is also fairly hard lined about boundaries and thinks that I should sell the house and give him his half -- until we cut as many of our ties as possible neither one of us can move on. She thinks it is unhealthy how 'attached' we both still are to one another. I love her but her other half left her suddenly after 11 years and she had moved on (to the man she later married) after 6 months. She is happy and moving on so quickly was right for her.
I just don't think I am like that.
Was offered two jobs today (via industry contacts). One I ran into at the party Thursday night who then emailed me Friday to ask if I'd consider it. I met him for coffee today and they offered me the job (for less money but closer to home), the other is for the same company I am with now, but they want me to take on another role (more money and better role, but with some travel). Neither need an answer until the new year.
3 months ago I would have jumped at the one closer to home but I am building a life in London. There is not much fo me in terms of GAL'g close to him (gym and dinners out with mums). The other role I would never have considered in the past due to the travel requirements, but if H is going to have the kids 50% of the time, then travel would be feasible for me.
I have some thinking to do over the next few weeks.
Couple of texts ...
I parked at H's flat this morning and sent him a text telling him if he needed me to move it I would come back. Got one back saying "That's fine. I am away Thursday and Friday too if you want to park there". I sent one back saying "Thank you". Got a text later on in the day saying "I am in [X] 8 times this month. Let me know if you need me to get you [duty free] cigarettes". I responded "No - I'm good. Thank you anyway". Also got included in group conversation with his mum about D12's Christmas present. I didn't participate.
There is, I believe an unspoken pact between parents that they will sacrifice a bit of themselves for the betterment of their children until such a time as the children no longer need them in that way. So, holidays become about the children (lots of trips to Disneyland), homes move outside town where there are larger gardens and better schools. The drunken nights out become few and far between and dinner parties stop because you can't have a dinner party with children. Unfortunately, for some of us here, our S were not aware of this pact. On some level I knew he wasn't buying into this, and I resented him for it. He knew I resented him, felt guilty, and then resented me for making him feel guilty. Meanwhile, neither of us said anything. I guess the unspoken part of the pact should have been a little more spoken.
FS, I wonder how much this plays a part in sitch's where children are involved. I always was willing to give up a whole lot to give our young kids a great life. I looked at the bright side, we had kids young and when they were older and self sufficient we would still be young and have lots of time to do us. One of the few things my W has said over and over again is that she is tired of sacrificing herself. I understand fully where she is coming from on that but reality is with our youngest being 4 I don't think a person can fully stop sacrificing themselves yet. It seems her timing for focusing on herself is way off. Also how is getting rid of your partner in all this going to fix that, if anything we will both have to sacrifice our selves more post separation. The thing I struggle with most is the women in front of me not very long ago wanted nothing more then to be a mother and have a big happy family. Now it seems to be the last thing she wants.
I can't for the life of me figure out how to quote someone. It just keeps quoting everything. Anyway... what you said about my H not grieving. I think you are right. He is struggling with guilt. He does not realize what he has lost. He may never realize it. I am like you in the sense that I don't wonder what he is up to. I'm not sure if it is because I don't care or I just don't care to torture myself in that way so I just don't think about it. When I really think about it, it is probably the latter.
I also agree with the unspoken pact between parents. In my case, I remember having a very specific conversation with my H about this before I got pregnant. I told him that once you have kids, I don't believe in divorce. I think the kids deserve both parents in their life full time and it is up to the parents to work things out for the sake of the family (unless there is abuse, illegal activity, etc...). At the time, he agreed. We had been together two years and were still really loving our life together (very little stress, travelling, eating out, etc... very much focused on each other) so I think he thought it was a really easy agreement to make. I, on the other hand, did not. I expected there to be tough times. Of course, I could not have anticipated by beloved H, my M2B, would completely go against everything we talked about and fake a serious illness for three years to get out of being a husband and a father. And he can rewrite history all he wants, I know that he was doing both and that even if that was not his intention, he clearly put himself before their wellbeing with every lie he told. And how he chose to handle things post discovery, shows that he is continuing in that regard. So I guess I have learned that even if you have a spoken pact, it is one that should be revisited and recommitted to throughout the marriage instead of just assuming the other person is seeing the situation in the same way that you are. Assumptions can be very costly to a MR. I hate that the most impactful lessons are almost always learned the hard way.
Great news about your job offers FS. It is nice to have options like that. I wish I could be as hardline as your friend. I cannot imagine moving on to someone else after six months though. Does she have kids? I think it is probably a lot easier if you don't have walking, talking daily reminders of what you once had.
I can't for the life of me figure out how to quote someone. It just keeps quoting everything.
Use only the stuff I have bolded - ignore the other part, okay?
start with [quote=NAME]
(Enter here all the good stuff you wish to quote)
then end with [/qwote]
BUT see how I intentionally misspelled "quote" above? Don't do that! Spell it correctly as [/"quote"]. I just wanted you to be able to "see" the markup
FS, I've appreciated your responses in my thread. All I can say is "let it [him] go". You seem like an awesome gal who doesn't need to be tied down by somebody who doesn't appreciate what you bring to the table.
Hey Harvey - thanks so much. I will keep an eye out for you on the divorced forum. You sound like your in a great place emotionally and mentally. You are a good man and it is a pity your W can’t see that right now. I know my entries don’t make it clear, but I am slowly letting him go. Seeing him so frequently makes it harder, but I am getting on with my life and not waiting for him. In fact, the more I see him, the more I question why I want a R at all.
That’s the spirit FS!!! It really is a step-by-step gradual process, isn’t it? I feel myself getting stronger with every day that goes by. Doesn’t mean I don’t still have some pity parties but they are become less frequent and not as intense or as long. That’s progress!! The holidays, of course, are going to be a bit harder as well as the inevitable finances/custodial negotiations. I am NOT looking forward to that in any way. But I cannot avoid it either.
Your H is such an idiot! I am fully confident that he will wake up one day and realize it. By then, he will have a whole different FS to contend with. I am looking forward to reading your posts when that happens...lol. (((FS)))
LOL "shagging". My friends and I used to use that word all the time, I died when I read that!
One pointer, that convo about respect was far too long winded. Don't give him the satisfaction! Be brief and to the point and expect petulance in response, but you don't respond to petulance!
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
