For now the kids schedule is W: Sun, Mon, Thurs Me: Tues, Fri, Sat and we are alternating Wed....For the short term we will make this work.
It isnt you and W I am worried about. It's the kids.
I know the my kids are always a bit of....well.....a bit difficult on change-over days. Especially with school, its a big adjustment for them going to a new set of rules and expectations. I cant imagine putting them through that 3 or 4 times in a week. That means that they are changing houses more often than they are back in the same house. I feel like there is at least SOME adjustment period needed when switching houses. How will they ever feel like they arent just living out of a suitcase? How can they make each place their home on such short stays??
Originally Posted by RyanHun
W asked me to keep the kids tonight as well so I said sure. Whatever the reason for her wanting me to keep the kids I'm fine with it, she can leave them with me 7 days a week if she likes.
On the one hand, I get it. I want to spend as much time with my kids as I can. But on the other hand....theres something to be said for saying 'no'. The whole point of the schedule is two have the kids in an established routine and to give you and W a sense or 'normal'. It's been ONE WEEK and shes already given you two of her days. In the long term, how are you going to make consistent GAL plans? I feel like you are setting yourself down a bad precedent. To me, it comes across as you trying to appease WW vs. thinking about what might be best for you or the kids. If you are always available on a moment's notice....it must mean you arent doing much but sitting around in case WW needs something.
Amoafwl, I am also very worried about the switching and the effect it has on the kids but what can I do about it at this point? W's work schedule is all over the map and reality is she needs to change it or just leave the kids with me full time. This is one area where I am completely lost because I want whats best for the kids even if that means sacrificing myself.
Journaling/Venting, Not that I really needed a reminder about how un-detached I am but the universe decided to throw one my way regardless and it seems to be right on typical WAW script. The social media lame quotes. This really shouldn't impact me but it did and instead of reacting i'm here venting so I suppose that is a plus. All these lame posts about growth and living your best life. Old me would just love to ask W how is abandoning your family growth, how is prioritizing drinking with your 23 year old girl friends every night growth? How is avoiding all adult decisions about life living your best life? Ugh, makes me want to vomit. Anyways now that is off my chest back to finding calm, collected me.
Thanks for chiming in on my sitch. And thank you for using my story to provide you inspiration as you navigate through your journey. One thing I want to mention to you is that I did not start DBing until nearly 7 months after BD. For 7 months I cried, she "supported" me while I broke down, she "reassured" me that nothing was happening, but not once did she want to "fix the M". She angrily rejected MC. (In hindsight, it made perfect sense and I do not blame her for her choice).
Then came the period after we celebrated our 10th first contact anniversary. She said that this summer I need to "go wild"...whatever that meant. The next day I came home for lunch and she was there. While we were talking, she uttered the words that stung me..."We're not romantic anymore" (again, now I see why and it makes sense). The entire summer was W transforming into WW. Long phone calls and secret text messages. Closed door phone sex sessions. Taking D4 to meet OM. Taking OM to her uncle for "approval". Rewriting history. All the while, nudging me to cater to her (I did not know anything about NGS then) by making and bringing her coffee, cleaning her car, making her meals, and so on. It wasn't until I met with her uncle and having HIM tell me that W took OM to meet him that I started the process of letting go (I called her very angry). When I calmed down, I called her again and told her that I am on the same page as her and agreed that the "romance is over". The next day, I googled "My wife won't stop her affair" and the third result lead me to this post (hyperlinked). I read through the thread and decided to create a profile here and post my story.
I do not know if things would have been better had I started the DB process sooner. I knew I spent 7 months doing the "wrong" things before I embarked on this journey. It took me 4 hard months of posting, GAL, beginning the detaching process, getting 2x4's from the folks here as well as my MC, and a ton of pain to get to this point. Some people take longer to get to this point, others do not.
Everyone who has been DBing as well as those who have gone through their own process when they S or D have said that it does get better. It takes a long time, but it does get better. I have started seeing signs. By no means is this over, but I know that things like this take a lot of time. It's only been four months, but I am a much better man. I still have work to do in getting, as Sandi would say, "get my b@lls back", but I am making my way there a little bit at a time.
I am seeing you shift upwards as well. You were very fortunate to start the process so quickly after BD.
I look forward to see where you are in the next few months. Hang in there.
Thanks Pain, I did start the process early after BD but W had fired warning shots almost a year earlier. After those warning shots I did a lot of pursing and all the wrong things. Perhaps her mind was made up then, I don't know. I look back and think she was making her exit strategy and instead of giving her space I pursued, did some begging and pleading and sealed my own fate. Hindsight is 20/20, nothing I can do about it now other then detaching, giving her space, GAL and fixing what I can with myself and looking forward.
Rough morning today: D9 is falling apart and it is tearing me to pieces. She has been complaining of tummy aches for the last two days so we let her stay home but she seemed to be fine. This morning everything seemed good and she said she was feeling better. I got her all set to go to school but when it came time to leave she broke down crying and complained about her tummy again. She was just a big emotional mess and as much as I tried to calm her and support her she just wouldn't have it. W called to wish them a good day at school and when I mentioned the issues she just brushed it off as nothing. I don't know how to help my little princess out.
I'm not in any way qualified to give advice on children, so know that ahead of time. Not a psychologist and not a mum. But what if you were to create a conversation with her about how it's okay to feel yucky about things sometimes. That proves that she's a very caring individual and you admire that about her. So, validate her feeling.
And then say you'd like to help her feel better, but you need some help. What does she think might help when she feels yucky? You could come up with a mantra with her she might repeat, "All of my family members love me very much" (I'm unsure on this one - perhaps too emotional for her) or, "I am going to be okay" or "Today I will do something nice for someone". Or, maybe she responds well to deep breathing and you can practice together. Or maybe she can carry a small craft around with her and when she gets nervous she can give herself a little break to work on the craft or read a book. You sound like a great dad who does this kind of thing.
Thanks Steve. Seeing what this is doing to the kids is the hardest part.
Yail, thank you for all of the great advice. I am really trying to work hard on teaching D9 that it is ok and healthy to feel things, to analyze those feelings, to share some of those feelings if she desires. I set up my old cell phone for her so she can call anybody she wants, aunts, family friends, relatives etc. She takes a lot after her mom and shuts down when it comes to feelings and emotions and refuses to talk. All I can do is keep on trying to support her and just be there. We have some special Christmas related activities this weekend and hopefully that will help her out a bit. Unfortunately child psychologists are in high demand here but I do have an appointment for Dec 11.
Just wanted to share some of my thoughts on "expectations" based on some of the things I have read on here the last couple of days. I have a ways to go myself but I think this is one area where I am doing pretty well with letting go.
We have all seen the veterans mentioning time and time again to have no expectations (thanks guys for your patience with us newcomers). When letting go of expectations that really means all expectations, the positive and the negative. When a little glimmer of hope comes our way from our spouse we develop thoughts and expectations about what that must mean. These are the common things we read on here in a lot of posts. It's the negative ones that I think often are overlooked, expectations when nothing has happened like "Because H/W has acted like Y lately I expect I will be D in the near future and its done". Or the expectations that the story is over because H or W is moving out after a lengthy IHS.
I think the key to all of this is to really master having zero expectations either way. To 100% commit to the fact that we are on this journey and to simply live our lives one day at a time in a manner that leaves us feeling good at the end of the day. None of us have the slightest clue what tomorrow is going to look like, good or bad, so any kind of expectations good or bad serve no purpose.
