Now facing divorce

[job]

Also, point out that the noise may be disturbing the children's sleep. She might soften if you mention the children.

Stay calm and choose a quiet time to broach the subject.

[Hamburg]

I came home at 2am last night so she'll probably have to say something about that. I think it's out of my system though. Had to be up at 5. If all cools down this week we can talk about it more. Still think she will accuse me of trying to control her.

[peacetoday]

Whatever she says about you going out-
stay calm
neutral kind, soft tone

Think about just being cordial
thank her if she does anything right
like if she actually starts coming in earlier so you and kids can sleep

If you want to live there together so you can be with your kids
and make sure they are safe-you will have to find the best ways
to get along
not an easy task for the LBS but possible-


practice being positive and upbeat-

figure out how to talk to her and keep the peace in the house-
let the kids see peace between you and her

usually I found to ask for nothing, thank him for anything he helped with and validate him
seemed to work well here and keep things quiet
especially during the separation

[Gerda]

I second, third and fourth Peacetoday's post! There is reason for the name, "peacetoday"!

Your focus really is on controlling W, and it will help you to see what we are all seeing from reading your (rather frantic) posts. You have a righteous anger because she is doing things that are evil. But the anger will only destroy you; it won't change her.

The only thing that MIGHT change her, over a long long long time, is your kindness and forgiveness. You can't be kind or forgiving to change her. But if you are able to be kind and forgiving so that your kids can see what that looks like, you will give your kids a gift that will last all their lives, and you will feel free. And maybe, just maybe, one day your wife will wake up from the madness and feel safe to come back. Even if she files. Even if the D goes through.

If you don't want to be kind and forgiving, and I understand that it is next to impossible and not something I could do at all if I didn't have God in my life, then you know that your choice is D.

But either way -- surrender the need to change her! Even if she is doing things that are completely unacceptable!

Garage door bothering you? Get some earplugs. Alarm bothering the kids? Put on white noise machine or fan in their room.

Or break the garage door. Or leave it open.

W cheating on you with some evil slime bag? Take up boxing or fishing or painting or running. Or all of the above. when you start to think about the cheating and the evil slime bag, work on one of those things while playing loud music. All you can do is distract yourself from those thoughts; you can't change them. Accepting that will make you a tower of strength and an amazing man. Or throw yourself into helping others -- offer to take on four new patients at your practice who could never afford you. Visit a homeless shelter every Sunday and treat folks there for free. You have a gift; use it to make your mark on this world in a beautiful way! Take a week with Doctors without Borders. Do something truly important in the world so you can stop thinking about how selfish and ugly your W is right now.

You are a person in this world with or without her. What kind of person do you want to be? It is painful to walk through life with a broken heart, but that's your reality right now. You can still be the man you want to be with that broken heart -- just as you would tell a patient who lost a leg that he can still be the man he wants to be. You have a wound but you are not dead. Don't let yourself be dead. Resurrect yourself. One day you may also be able to resurrect your marriage, but right now all you can do is put your marriage in a box on the shelf and hope that one day W opens the box again.

I read here, I think on jackthreebeans' thread, that standing for your marriage really just means outlasting the MLC. That has really stuck with me. I remember that line everyday and it really helps me. And while I am outlasting it, I can still lead a fulfilling life as ME. If you read my thread, you will see how much I struggled to find me. And sometimes I still lose me -- AND I AM ON YEAR SIX!!!! But mostly I have found me more than ever, and I have hope and joy in life a lot of the time, despite my current horrifying circumstances. YOU CAN DO IT!

[Hamburg]

That is very beautiful. Thank you. I have been trying to extend the olive branch and she is not accepting yet. It will likely take some time. I need to remain the calm, sane person I have been and accept things how they unfold.

[job]

One of the things that will help is to be consistent in your actions. She is watching you just as much as you are watching her. Actions always speak louder than words. Try to be upbeat, smile often and just do whatever it is you need to do to get through each day under the same roof. Find fun things to do with your children. Get out of the house and do something fun, even if it means getting a cup of coffee and people watching...do it! Each day, find one thing to be happy and thankful for. Yes, it's difficult right now to see this, but think about it. I see plenty...a man who is still living at home with his family, a man who is healthy and intelligent, a man who is loyal and wants to do the right things and a man who is willing to listen to what we all have to say.

Tomorrow is a new day. Think of something that you can do when you get home or need to get some stress free time away.

You've got this! I have faith in you.

[Hamburg]

Saw her when I went home. We were cordial to each other. Someone will be looking at the house tomorrow so have to get some things done.

Took the kids to dinner. It was awesome. W has been neurotic for years and even a dinner with the kids was stressful. Went to grocery store for 2 items but got kids a giant racecar cart. I ran and pushed it fast in the parking lot. All things W is too prim and proper to do. Kids loved it

[DnJ]

That’s what those racecar cart are for! Awesome!

[Gordie]

Hamburg

Here is what I did while living in the same house while w was doing terrible things

As Gerda said do your best to be kind and patient

But know that it is not always possible

At those times I just minimized interaction

She would come and I would go out

My interest was the same as a shop clerk

No more no less

I took care of the kids completely

I did all the housework

Some called this cake feeding

I called it survival

I had to drop my expectations to zero

I come home at 9pm and kids have not eaten dinner

Instead of getting angry I just make dinner

Getting angry will not put food on the table

Or get homework done or kids out to bed

No expectations w acts like a w or mother

Show her you are a kick butt single dad

Being angry and depressed does not make a good dad

She stays out until 3am

Let it go and stop caring

Coordinate the evenings where you go out and she stays home

That is good for you too even if she does not like it

Fake happy until you find your happy again

And you will with or without w

[Hamburg]

It was pleasurable to take the kids out myself. We have been going out as a family since August so it was the 3rd or 4th time since then I have done it myself. It was great.

Daughter told me mommy was crying today. I didn't think she did that in front of the kids. Bathroom trashcan is full, top to bottom, of Kleenex. It made me kind of feel sorry for her.

Now she is out, probably until late. I guess now that the A is out in the open she has nothing to hide anymore. I am caring less and less about it.

I started pouring myself back in to work and people have noticed how much better I am. I think nurses know something is up though because I am being offered lunches and given gifts. 2 phone numbers today, lol.