Funny you should mention that FS...what your friend said. I was actually just thinking about that yesterday. Wondering if it was more likely a spouse would come back if they had an affair versus if they just left because they weren't feeling anything. I am not sure how to think of my sitch because of how long my H was lying to me. Even when he was "back" for those eight months in between fake hospital trips, he wasn't with me emotionally. At least I don't think he was. It is so hard to say. I look back on the things that we did in those eight months and there were definitely happy times. As I mentioned before, my H even came to watch me play pool at my tournament which he NEVER does. I didn't ask him to, he just showed up. Would he have done that if he was so out of love with me as he claims to have been all this time? I don't know...it is confusing. I wonder if he really is too far gone into this life of his. He seems pretty pleased with his efforts as a dad... yep, I guess having a dad 30% of the time is better than 10%. I asked him yesterday how he thinks it feels for our kids to go to his place and see a room with some other kid's stuff in it. He just looked at me blankly...like he never even thought about it.
I am with you on the doubling down on DBing. I know that I backslide a lot but I really feel like that despite that, I am inching closer and closer to the goal line. There are just an awful lot of linebackers trying to get in my way and when they hit me, they hit me HARD. Not sure why I threw in a football (not soccer) analogy as I am more of a hockey fan...lol. Anyway... for the next five days I resolve to send my H ZERO text messages. None. He has the kdis so I am OUT. I know that I have not been DBing well enough in that regard. I am too chatty. Too friendly. I really, really need to get a grip on that. Da*n cell phones!!! We would not have had this problem 25 years ago. I have no problem not phoning people but texting is just too darn easy and to easy to do impulsively. I actually just did something quite proactive. I deleted my H from my contacts so that when I go into my text messages, I don't see his name...just his number. I also don't see his picture. I don't know why but it feels like it is going to help me step back from him. Only my very-distant acquaintances and random businesses show up as numbers. May help, may not but I feel good about it. It feels like I have done something positive.
Anyway...coffee break over. Time to meet with another depressed and anxious teen. I sure wish that I worked at Starbucks right now.
Slight change of tone. I've mentioned in the past D12's reoccurring tummy ache and my belief that this is linked to the separation. H has poo poo'd this in the past putting it down to just 'normal teen stuff'. Whilst he has been away D12 has had 2 days off school due to tummy ache, has slept in bed with me pretty much every night (v. unusual for her as she is not a cuddly child and likes to assert her independence) and has been very teary. I've tried to handle it as best I can but this morning was tough.
I normally wake up before them, out D9's clothes on her chair, sort out their breakfast (juice and toast) and then wake them up about 40 minutes before we have to go. They then sort themselves out, I get ready and every now and then remind them of things they need to do ("have you brushed your teeth?", "can you put your phone down and put your shoes on?").
This morning D12 came into my room upset whilst I was getting ready. She could not put a pony tail in her hair. I had just got out of the shower so probably wasn't as attentive as I should have been but I did try. D12 wanted to do it herself so I said "show me what you're doing". I gave her some advice, watched her try two or three times, then frustrated, I said "here i'll do it" (time is a premium in the morning and we don't really have time to waste). She wanted a 'perfect' ponytail, that is, one without bumps (pretty impossible as she has wavy hair). She wouldn't let me help and stormed out "Don't worry - I'LL DO IT". I finished getting ready then went downstairs. They get their coats on whilst I get the lunches out of the fridge, put the breakfast stuff in the dishwasher etc and then out the door. D12 was in the downstairs bathroom still trying to do her. We should have left 5 minutes ago and she was still only half dressed, had not brushed her teeth and had not yet sorted her football kit. I lost my temper and told her she was being ridiculous and it was only hair. She broke down in tears, sat on the bathroom floor, said she wasn't going to school unless the pony tail was right, said she couldn't do it ("I can't do anything right"). I watched her on the floor crying. My baby in tears because she can't do the perfect pony tail. I didn't know what to say so I simply said "Don't be ridiculous, no-one cares if there are bumps in your ponytail". I admit I didn't handle it very well but was stressed out as we were not all late.
Should I mention it to H? the last time we discussed counselling for her it was a disaster. He seemed to say that I blew it all out of proportion, or that I had caused it by 'not being happy enough'. At time, every time we mentioned speakign to someone to D12, she would go into hysterics and cry and beg us "to not make me go".
I am so sorry your daughter is hurting. As a mother, I know it must be breaking your heart. It seems to me your daughter may believe that if you want her to see a counselor, than she must be at fault or need fixing. Do you need permission from your H for counseling? Seems to me a family counselor (one credentialed as such) would be more appropriate. After all, this is a family situation, not an individual problem. If your H won't go, then you go with all the kids.
At this point they just need reassurance they are loved just the same no matter what is happening with mom and dad. When you see her later, I would have a one-on-one talk with her about what happened this morning, and maybe help her work on that ponytail to see how you can help her make it perfect for tomorrow.
Great advice Grace. I don’t think you need to ask H’s permission... just do it. Kids don’t want to talk to you about their feelings when it comes to these kinds of situations because they don’t want to cause you any further upset than you are already dealing with. Does the school have a Counsellor? My daughter met with her school counsellor and she enjoyed the experience - felt much better afterwards. Also...if you do go to a private counsellor, you don’t need to tell your daughter that you are going to talk about anything specific... maybe just to talk about her stomach aches. Her obsession with getting her pony tail just right is likely an anxiety response to not feeling in control of the things going on in her life. Also, I don’t know what is available in your community FS but where I live, there is a community program that runs groups for children who are going through a separation or divorce. Maybe do an online search? Most communities have something along those lines that they offer kids since divorce seems to be a bit of an epidemic these days. Also, if your daughter is uncomfortable with “counselling”, you could also look into art therapy. Most children’s groups are based on activities and expressive therapies as it is often difficult for kids to talk about the issue directly.
I’m sorry this is happening FS. The unfairness of it goes without saying. (((HUGS)))
The children are on H's private medical. I don't want to bring it up with him again because he will see that as me trying to guilt him into coming back. He has the children tomorrow evening and up to Saturday night so, depending on how she is with him, he might bring it up himself. If he does, then I will say, that I would be very supportive of her seeing a counsellor. If he does not bring it up, then I guess I will look into one myself and just pay the fees.
DjV - I will look into groups in the area. Thank you for the advice.
Journaling
Today I have some a non H related update. I went to a Reiki healer. I have never been to one before, but thought it was worth a shot. This crises has made me look inwards a lot and I've discovered a new found interest in the spiritual. Anyway, I looked online on my way in this morning, found one a stones throw away from work, who by chance had one open appointment today, and it seemed a little too serendipitous, so I booked there and then.
It was the strangest thing. I lay on a bed for 40 minutes with my eyes shut and he put his hands on different parts of my body. There was some slight manipulation, but mostly he kept his hands still. For the last 3 or 4 months whenever I meditate my body starts to convulse. Scared the hell out of me at first, but now I just go with it. Anyway, I went into a meditate state and my body started convulsing. Not the manic convulsions I have when I am on my own, but, because I didn't want him to think I was a freak, slightly smaller convulsions. Whenever it happened he would push down gently on whatever part of my body he was working on. At the end he touched my shoulder lightly (he told me he would do this when it was time to open my eyes). We then spoke for about half an hour.
Apparently, and I guess this will come as no surprise to anyone reading this ... I am too much in my head (all my energy is in my head and none of it is flowing down to other areas of my body, I have a blockage in my tummy area (he named the chakra but I can't remember now) which means family, my right knee is slightly out indicating (relationship issues with a male). I also have a blockage in my throat area (problems communicating). Oh, and I have a beautiful heart, but it is closed off at the moment. He is explained what he thought the convulsions were, but that was just a little weird even for me. He said a couple of other things non-H related which hit home with me too.
I am not sure how much faith I have in it. But we did not talk about what was happening in my life at all. I simply lay down, he touched various parts of my body, and then we talked about where there were blockages.
Anyway, a weird day. I will go back though because I feel slightly energized as I type this.
D12 seems to be better this evening. She was laughing and smiling again. I let her practice French plats on me and we discussed her football training. D9 is always happy (though she comes out with the most random observations/questions about me and H).
I got two texts from H today. One informing me that his sister was picking up the girls tomorrow and asking me to let the school now and another again telling me that his sister is picking up the girls tomorrow and asking me to pass her phone number to D12. These were lengthy but logistical related texts. I have not responded to either. I scrolled through my text history with him for the last few weeks and his are all lengthy, mine are all one liners (yes, no, I will be there at ...). For a moment I considered increasing my communication to 'friendly chatter' but in light of my decision to double down on Db'g I will stick with my current approach.
Your day seems like it was pretty great FS!!! The Reiki experience sounds interesting. My BIL’s mom was a Reiki Master (spent months in India) but also an expert in asbestos removal. Very different professions, IMO. She was interesting, to say the least.
If your BIL's mom is anything like the Reiki guy I saw, then, yes, interesting to say the least. I would like to explore it though - 180 just for me as I don't normally buy into that sort of thing.
Journaling
H came back today. I got a text around 6 to say that he was "on route home but traffic was horrendous <sad face>". This was his way of hinting that I might need to pick the girls up from his sisters. I responded with "Ok. I am still at work". I have also sent him a text with logistical things and closed with "Oh, and welcome back". The last part was unnecessary but the rest of the text was so cold.
I am not sure if I will see him or not. He will need to pass by the house to get things for the kids for tomorrow. If I time it right, I will be there after he has come and gone. I am sitting in a starbucks biding time. I am not ready to see him. I am not in the mood for pretending to be ok with everything and he will likely read my body language.
I got home after they had come and gone (it was 9:00 by the time I walked through the door). I must have sat in that coffee shop for hours . I had kind of planned in my head that I would not need to see him until change over Saturday night. That would be the longest we have ever not seen one another.
I called the girls when I got in. I called on D12's phone. I normally call on his phone and he says hello and hands it over to the girls. But, as he has been calling on D12's phone I guess it has become our new normal. Whilst speaking to the girls he called out "ask mummy to bring black leggings for D12 in the morning". So, my plans to not see him went out the window ...
I decided to go over early so I could spend 10 minutes with the girls before they went to school. When I got there he was cordial but not overly friendly. He did ask some odd questions "Are you going into work today?" (a veiled comment on my attire, leather trousers and a jumper), "Are you allowed to wear that to work" (a non-veiled comment on my attire), "Are you going in late today?" (veiled attempt to show that he did not believe I was going to work). Too me this all sounds like does not trust me but can't bring himself to just ask. It is very strange. Anyway, I sat with D9 and did her hair. I spoke briefly to D12 and then said I would walk D9 to school and then head off.
I had left in a hurry this morning so I could spend some time with the girls before they went to school so had to come home (didn't feed the dog, didn't put the rubbish out). When I got home, guess who was putting the rubbish out !!!
I drove up, smiled and said "What are you doing here" and he said he wanted to take our dog for a walk and then noticed I hadn't put the rubbish out so he had just finished doing this. I told him thank you, but that I had planned to do that when I came back (I left in a hurry this morning so I could see the girls). He took the dog for a walk, and when he came back I was working. He poked his head through the door, said "see you" and then left.
Weird.
Tomorrow is my stop smoking course. I am staying in London tonight (early start tomorrow) and meeting some friends. I have told him I am doing a photography course .
Whilst speaking to the girls he called out "ask mummy to bring black leggings for D12 in the morning". So, my plans to not see him went out the window ...
That's all it takes? I've worked with kids a lot and I hated when mom and dad were running around to deliver all of the things little johnny needed but didn't bring. I don't know the circumstances of this quote, but if you don't want to see him, leggings shouldn't be the thing to change your mind.
And then, you get there and he's being passive aggressive and you just took it. Why? Don't let people treat you like that.
You guys are both acting weird in my opinion. Why did you tell your H what you are doing? He moved out. If he inquires as to your whereabouts or activities, you are with friends. He doesn't need to know everything. He wants to know everything, and you want to tell him everything, but he doesn't really want to jump "all in" with you. But you are letting him get a little taste when he wants it.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Yes, I guess from reading the above it may sound a little weird.
D12 had an out of uniform day today. She brought ripped jeans to her dads but then remembered she can't wear ripped jeans to school. She would have got in trouble so I agreed to drop them off on the way to the station. He lives near the station. If it was out of my way I probably would have said no.
Today is a work day so he assumed I was passing by his and then heading straight to work. He was surprised at my attire. I told him I was going to work and that Friday's are casual. He has told his mum before that he thinks I play truant from work so I guess that is what he was getting at. Also, he has never liked me dressing 'provocatively' (note: this is all in his head) but I think this comes from him being jealous. He now can't say anything anymore so he makes passive aggressive comments - which I ignore. Is this not the right response? I am going with the 'what you say doesn't impact me' approach rather then rising to the bait. I suppose I could have said "none of your business" but that sounds a little extreme. But you are correct, he should no longer be asking me questions. But when he asks a direct question like "Are you going to work" it is difficult to say anything other than "Yes, I am going to work".
Also, he married someone who is relatively attractive - then gets upset when other men look at her. This is his problem ... which I owned before he left ... but now that he has MO, it is his problem and his problem alone. I will not change the way I dress to suit him anymore.
I decided to not go to work after all. I needed to come home to finish some stuff off and then decided I couldn't be bothered. I was surprised he was here so was thrown a little of kilter. One of the things I have to do is tell him he just can't turn up here anymore whenever he wants.
I am spending the night in the city as I am on a course in the morning and would have to get up at the crack of dawn if I stayed here. He knows (because I asked him to watch the children tonight) but he doesn't know why. He has not asked and it is probably driving him mad.
Right, I need to book a hotel and sort out my overnight bag.
