H came by this morning to pick up my daughter. He was strangely quiet, helped himself to a coffee and huddled over by our fireplace. He seemed to be avoiding eye contact. I have noticed that whenever we have a good conversation or laugh together or have a “normal” interaction, he seems to take a big step back from me the next time I see him. Is this normal?
One day of work today and then five days of pool with my peeps. It is going to be such a relief just to concentrate on my sport and nothing else. I remembered that last year, my H brought his friends to watch me play. I played really well and I could tell he was proud to show his friends that his wife was a “shark”...lol. That’s not going to happen this year. Even if he wanted to come watch me, he wouldn’t because he knows my sister is there. He is still avoiding my family like the plague which is going to make Christmas exceedingly difficult. I decided that I am going to put up our tree and some decorations next weekend with my kids. Usually my H does all that but I can’t rely on him to do that anymore.
Found out yesterday that my H bought some second-hand bunkbeds for our kids and has a room set up for them. I suppose I should feel happy that he is making a place for them there. It hurts a little bit though...tells me he is planning to be there for a long time. I am slowly but surely coming to terms with that. I am definitely in a better place today than I was even a week ago. As the song goes... Gettin’ a little bit stronger. (((HUGS))) to all.
Hope I am not breaking any rules but if any of you want to laugh and have a moment of happiness today... click on this link... hilarious!!! https://youtu.be/PfPdYYsEfAE
H came by this morning to pick up my daughter. He was strangely quiet, helped himself to a coffee and huddled over by our fireplace. He seemed to be avoiding eye contact. I have noticed that whenever we have a good conversation or laugh together or have a “normal” interaction, he seems to take a big step back from me the next time I see him. Is this normal?
I think so. My H is nice to me, but when I am nice back, he always pulls back. It is the 'I don't want them to get too comfortable, it might give them hope" rubbish. Just ignore it. Carry on as if you hadn't noticed.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
One day of work today and then five days of pool with my peeps. It is going to be such a relief just to concentrate on my sport and nothing else.
Makes me wish I knew you in real life ... you could teach me to play. I am so very very bad at pool. I could offer you painting lessons in return
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
Found out yesterday that my H bought some second-hand bunkbeds for our kids and has a room set up for them. I suppose I should feel happy that he is making a place for them there. It hurts a little bit though...tells me he is planning to be there for a long time.
H has been moved out for 8 months now. Every time he buys a piece of furniture it kills me a little. He bought bookshelves two weeks ago. He always points out that it was on sale and that he got a bargain (as if this is the only reason). That pain, that they are building a life without you, will continue until you fully detach. Obvs. I am still not there as the bookshelf thing shows. This is death by a thousand cuts and, oddly, it is our choice to let it be that. One day I hope H and I will either wake up next to each other or the cuts will have healed and I no longer care what furniture he buys. I hope that for you too.
Side note: H never even picked up a book when we were together and now he needs a whole bookshelf (albeit a small one). Now, I see all sorts of books around his flat - self help books and the 'Alchemist' for FFS. He even read 'The art of not giving a [censored]'. Not sure if you've read it, if you haven't you should. H read it. I don't think he 'got it' though.
I so hear you that this is a death by a thousand cuts. I feel exactly the same way. Sometimes it feels as if the cuts are healing and then something happens and I start bleeding again. Over time I am hoping there is less blood and it is quicker to heal back up. I also can relate to the book buying observation. My H has always bought books but it is the other things he relied on me for 100% that he is now doing on his own. Wow...like you couldn't have taken on some of those things before? Do you think maybe it might have helped me a bit. H is going to have the kids for five days in a row. For the first couple days, they will be sleeping at home and I will be doing the morning routine with them but Friday, Saturday and Sunday, they are all his.
I probably shouldn't have but when we talked about the division of the kids, I told him that I had had my children so I could be a full-time parent and that he had robbed me of that because every time they are with him, they are not with me. And I also told him that he had robbed our children of that too. I know that is not DBing but it was on my mind. I also commented that it seems like he is doing really well where he is right now. He just laughed as if to say "yeah, right...not so much".
I would definitely teach you how to play pool FS. I would love a painting lesson too. Hey...I mentioned it on Kiwi's thread but I have decided, as one of my GAL activities, that I am going to learn how to play the guitar. I've always wanted to learn but my H plays and I've always thought of that as "his" thing. Not anymore. It's going to be my thing too.
I have a question for the veterans. I think my H fits the criteria of a WAS. Are there differences between a WAS and a WS that are important to know when it comes to how I treat him? Or is it the same for all?
I have a question for the veterans. I think my H fits the criteria of a WAS. Are there differences between a WAS and a WS that are important to know when it comes to how I treat him? Or is it the same for all?
DV6 are you talking about a Walkaway spouse WAS and a wayward spouse WS?
BTW stop focusing on your H, you got a pool tourney you need to mentally prepare for.
Last edited by Twofeet; 11/13/1807:34 PM.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
Today was one of my worst days yet. Just feeling really down and I had a negative interaction with my H. I had an appointment at 5 so my H was supposed to come over and look after the kids. I ended up coming home from work first because my last client was a no show and my supervisor said I should just leave early. Anyway, H shows up and I told him what I had fed the kids the last two nights and asked him if he had a plan. He said he had dinner waiting for them at his house. I HATE that house. I just could not hide my irritation. I was really short with him and later on felt bad, so called him to apologize. I don’t know how but I ended up losing it a little bit. Just got really emotional so clearly labeled myself as a plan B. He told me to have a good tournament and we would talk next week. My sister and her husband and another friend came over to practice and I was just down all night. After they left, I had another meltdown. Went into my room and cried. Haven’t done that very often. I do not know what is wrong with me. It’s been two months and I just can’t seem to get myself together. I have some good days but then everything just hits me out of the blue and I just feel lost and scared and nothing like myself. My H said when he met me, I was most positive, upbeat person he had ever met. Yes and then slowly but surely he sucked that out of me over a four-year period and then finished me off with an epic crushing blow. Who pretends to be chronically ill for three years to get out of being home with their family!?! Who does that!?! And I know what his plan is. His plan is to find someone else and reinvent himself so he doesn’t ever have to face himself and the things he has done. So he can “try to be a good person.” Ugh... I am such a mess right now. I just want to fast forward my life two years and leave this horrible mess behind me.
Okay....venting is over. I am going to do my best to forget about him this week. Tomorrow is a new day, right? Detach, detach, detach....so much harder than it sounds.
Hi DjV - I will respond fully later but keep your head up. I chalk it down to good days and bad. When H MO al my days were bad. Then good moments crept in, then good days ... eventually the gap between the bad days will get longer. When the bad days hit, the intensity is just as strong (and it feels like it did those first few months) but the feeling doesn’t last as long.
I have come to the conclusion that H still keeps things from me, is definitely cake eating, is nice as long as he is getting his way (or out of guilt) and there is FA I can do about. I just need to carry on. The balance between being lovingly detached and being cold is harder to manage (hurt people shut down - And at the moment I am definitely hurting).
I am seeing a Reiki practitioner today to see if “I can get my energies up”. First time but will try anything at the moment
