Your recent posts to me suggests you are seeing him in a new light, and I get this, sometimes I just want to scream “send me the effing papers and have it over with” but this comes from anger. Your posts, questioning whether he is still the man you want to be with, are more considered. I think this is part of our journey too ... When we start to take the rose coloured glasses off and look at our marriages objectively. What do you see ?!?
It is not just his decision. It is yours too. Who are you? Who do you want to be?
I don’t know your H, but I think I know you a little. You will be fine no matter what happens and so will the twins because they have you for their mum.
When he brings it up, how am I supposed to react? I have been going over it in my head and I just see it being so emotional. I worry that I am going to say or do something that only reinforces his decision.
"H, I don't agree with it but I won't stand in your way"
That's it.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Thank-you Ovrrnbw and FS. I am slowly starting to come to terms with all of it. I know I will never really understand it or be happy about it but I have to find a way to accept the fact that we may end up D. So...to that end, I did what you had previously suggested FS. This morning, after a very noisy night with six ten year-olds running around my house (sleepover party), I decided that I want to get some weekends to myself. So far my H has had all of his nights to himself and I have resisted asking him to take our kids overnight because I hate the thought of them being at that house making memories without me. I also know they won’t like being away from their home but what can you do? I also can’t sacrifice my sanity and let him just go about his merry way without ANY responsibility. It’s bad enough that he has left me and his mom with all of the household duties. So, I told him that I needed him to take them every other weekend from after school Friday to Sunday evening. He responded to my request with an “I can do that” and that annoying smiley face that he insists on putting at the end of every one of his texts. What is that!?! To me it is just another lie. I am not smiling about this situation and neither should he be. It is almost condescending. My H was talking yesterday about coming by today to hang out with the kids for a bit. My sister texted me earlier to tell me she is coming over at 3:30 to practice for our upcoming tournament. I almost texted my H to warn him (he avoids my family like the plague) but then I thought better of it. Nope...he can deal. If he just shows up, he can feel what it feels like to have to turn around and drive away and not be welcome in his home. If he texts me first, I don’t think I will warn him.
Anyway... going to get some housework done and do some more work on my PA. There are times when I feel hopeful and strong and that I will get through this a better person regardless of the outcome. And there are other times where I just think I want to run from the pain of it. But...that is my H’s MO. I am better than that. At least I will have every other weekend to regroup now though. I am actually looking forward to it. I also like that my H won’t be able to pawn the kids off on his mom and will actually have to be with them for the whole time. She needs a rest too.
Well done. You need a break too. I use to hate it when H took them overnight (he sent me pictures the first night - I think he thought he was being kind) but now, I love having the time to myself.
Don't think of it as building memories without you. He is just the babysitter.
LOL.. just realized I wrote “PA” instead of “PMA”. It is definitely the latter that I am working on. I told my kids about the schedule change. My daughter took it like a trooper. My son cried. Apparently he doesn’t like the way his dad makes the dinners. Of course, as he is crying, I get a bit teary and then he panics. So I quickly go into damage control mode...”Mommy’s okay. I’m just get a bit sad when I see you sad.” And then he is totally focused on me and wanting me to be okay. Another “proud” mommy moment. Man I hate this. It is so unfair that my kids and I are being put through this. But we are... and I have no say. Onwards and upwards, right? Thanks for being there for me. (((HUGS)))
Just got back from taking my dog, my kids and a couple of their friends out for a walk. Happened to glance out towards the water and I see our boat chugging its way toward the harbour. Yep... you enjoy that now H... you want a D? That’s the first thing that is going. I have been telling him that I want my boat keys back for at least two months now. He always says “yes” but they never appear. Or he tells me there is some work that he still has to do on it. Funny...never seems to stop him from taking it out. Trying not to be bitter but that is a sore spot with me. I also must have missed his text or phone call offering to take our kids with him. Yep...it’s all about him. Okay... having an angry moment.
I also had a bit of a confrontation with him. When I told my son about the change in schedule today, he mentioned that “E’s room is right next to ours”. E is the 16 year old daughter of the woman who lived in the house before my H who is apparently in the hospital with pancreatic cancer. Anyway... I called my H to say WTF? He tells me that he doesn’t need that room so he is letting her keep her stuff there and that she is hardly ever there. My H and I have talked about his family in depth. He says the family is trying to get the dad involved, the daughter doesn’t want to go, etc... Apparently the boy still has some stuff there too. He has also sworn up and down that he would never make up a story about pancreatic cancer as my dad died from that and even though my H is a self-centered jerk at times, I really do not believe he would be that cruel. Anyway...he texted me that he would come and talk to me tonight but I told him not to bother. I told him it was pointless. That his kids know he is effectively living with someone else’s children. I told him it did not matter what he had to say, I will never, ever understand it.” So...I’m sure my H is stewing right now. The ridiculous part is that what he is probably stewing about is his belief that I “grill” the kids for information. The thing is that I don’t do that. I don’t do that because I don’t want to know. I have enough to work out without adding that to the pile. My kids tell me what they want to tell me. I don’t stop them.
Feeling a little more detached today. I’m sorry DnJ...also a little bit angry. I think I am coming to terms with the fact that the man I thought I married was really only a fantasy that I made up to keep myself warm at night. If that guy ever existed, he left right around the time our kids turned three. Since that time, it has been my H’s world and the rest of us have just been visiting. Time to start making my own world.
Do you think your H is just getting all knight in shining armor on this lady? You give the impression that she is not an OW. Maybe she is a wounded bird and maybe he is trying to help/fix. You know, make up for what he is lacking in your family? I don't know I am just spitballing. I am not saying what is he doing with the other family is right or wrong, but it does seem weird.
Last edited by Twofeet; 11/12/1810:55 PM.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
I think he is TF...in his own way. He really likes the 14 year-old boy. The girl he isn’t crazy about but he says she is hardly ever there. I’m just really stunned by his lack of insight into how that looks to our children. He, of course, likely thinks I’m making something out of nothing. Anyway...he is coming over in about an hour to talk about it. I am keeping the conversation to children only and not stray into the R side of things. I want to get through the holidays before we have that talk.
Djv, I know how the thought of D can be frightening. Have you talked to a lawyer. That might be helpful to get to know some facts, it is alsoagood practice to talk about it very matter of factly. I went a few weeks ago to a free consultation, because it was stressing me a lot, that my husband would all of a sudden present the papers. It felt very weird going there, sitting there and talking about D like it would actually happen, but I felt better afterward. I also wrote down some points that would be important to me, if it came to D so I have some facts prepared to take the emotions out of that conversation, if it comes to that.
I am glad you arranged for your free weekends. I hope you will enjoy them.I will have my first free Thursday this week. I thought I would be looking forward to it. Now I am not so sure anymore.
Thanks Kiwi. I haven’t talked to a lawyer. My sister was a family law paralegal in her first career so I have an idea where this could go. I know that I have some time as neither of us can file until we have lived apart for a year (with both of us knowing about it) so I have ten more months before any real decisions need to be made. My H still feels very responsible for everything so I know he would make some sort of declaration before he would go to a lawyer. He would want to avoid that at all costs and likely want us to work things out amicably. Even with his D18, there was no court order. He just simply paid what he was required to pay and when things came up, we worked it out (me and D18’s mom mostly). So there was never any court involvement.
So my H was here tonight and we talked about the kids. He told me there is no big story with the family at his house. He said the mom’s health issues (surgery #3 tomorrow) have complicated the plans they had of moving. He said they were all going to move into the basement suite and he felt bad for them. He said he didn’t need the extra room so he told the daughter she could keep her stuff there. And the boy has some stuff in the garage and one of the rooms downstairs. He says he hardly ever sees them. He seemed really sincere and again, I would be shocked beyond belief if he made up the pancreatic cancer thing just to hide an affair... not when he knows my history. He has a lot of admiration for my dad even though they never met. I don’t think he would dishonour his memory that way. My H is confused and has made some really cowardly and misguided decisions but he is not purposely cruel. He told me that my phone call to him “ruined” his day and that he felt like “sh*t” afterwards. He has so much guilt, it is very easy to ruin his day unfortunately.
Before he left, “to lighten the mood”, he showed me one of his favourite Saturday Night Live skits with Ryan Gosling in it. He and two other actors are being interviewed as people who have been abducted by aliens. It is HILARIOUS!!! Felt really good to laugh with him. His sense of humour is something that has always drawn me to him. Laughing with him is something I really, really miss. Anyway... one day of work tomorrow and then it is five solid days of pool. I cannot wait!!!
