wondering if a day will ever come when my H is not the last thing on my mind when I go to sleep and the first thing I think of when I wake up. (
I wonder the same. It is harder to detach when they are so much a part of our lives. I know the obsession is not healthy. I have been trying guided mediation. Letting Go of Emotions, Forgiveness (forgiving me and forgiving him). It makes me feel a bit more grounded. There are a lot of them on YouTube.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
Still...I know that he feels crappy about how he has treated me but, at the same time, has managed to justify most of it, I think. He's not happy therefore blowing up our family is, although regrettable, just a necessary step towards finding happiness. Everyone will be fine in the end. In a sense, I suspect he has made himself a bit of a martyr in the picture.(
Everyone creates a narrative in their head that paints themselves in a better light but after time, those illusions he has created to protect himself will fall away. He will take a proper look in the mirror and see what he has done. He will know what he has done. Whether he has the courage and humility to admit it to anyone other than the person he sees in the mirror depends on the type of man he is, and also, the type of woman you are. Do you keep the fires burning waiting for that day. Only you know.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
I am sad to say it but that really is the person I married. It is hard to have hope when I really take those factors into consideration.
I think, at least today, in your head, you have answered my question above. But, this journey has ebbs and flows and tomorrow you may feel different. He may do something that reminds you of why you married him in the first place (for me it is watching him with the children, it was having him hold me in his arms that day). I suspect over time, the ebbs and flows will even out and you will know, with certainty, if you want him back.
Thank you FS. You always help me make sense of the stuff going on in my head. On the outside, my H looks like he is just fine and that really bothers me. I hope that is how I look to him. I'm not quite as practiced as he is with pretense. Yesterday, I scrolled through the last year of pictures on my phone. Every picture of H, I would zoom in on his face looking for ANY sign that he wasn't okay, that he was struggling. I could not find it. He looked happy. Happy to be with his kids, happy to be with the person on the other end of the camera. How could he go from that to this...without so much as a word of warning. It is still something I just cannot wrap my head around even though I have lived it.
So...I haven't really talked about this yet but on Sunday, I got a bit mad at my H. It was over something my D10 had said to me the night before. Anyway, my anger really came out in the "conversation" and I said some pretty passive-aggressive mean things to him that I think served to confirm his belief that I would not be able to get past his transgressions. While I was talking at him (I am not proud of this), I could see flashes of anger in his eyes but he refused to say anything to me even though I commented on it. Shortly after, he took his D18 out on the boat and was ranting about me and tossing around the D word. So I kind of knew the things he said to her were, at least partially, in reaction to what I had said.
Anyway...after reflecting back on the conversation and my less-than stellar behaviour, I felt quite regretful and guilty about it. Not exactly a 180 on my part. So...I texted him that night an apology and that it was not fair of me to toss the past in his face - especially since I had told myself [and him] that I would not do that. It was pretty late so I didn't expect a reply nor did I ask for one. The next morning when I woke up, there was a text. He said: "I appreciate this more than you could know. I don't really feel like I have any "right" to do anything but listen to your feelings right now - without objection...because I too feel shi**y about how I've treated you... But I also try to do my best with the kids. I am half asleep - so I should probably shut up - but I appreciate what you said...thank you - and thank you for being the organizational parent. I know the strides the kids have made rest solely on the planning you have done for them - and I am grateful for that. (Not just that) but I should probably shut up for now. Good night. :)" So...I think I may have mitigated some of the damage done. Not sure what to make of his mention of needing to shut up... I think he doesn't want me to have any hope so was in danger of saying too much.
But...I need to stop trying to analyze the things he says or does. Suffice it to say...he likely struggles too.
Ugh... my H just texted to see if I could take the kids to their activities because he has something he needs to do. I told him "No" that I already have plans and that I was going right after work. He texted back a while later that he "will deal" and "make it work" with a smiley face. Gawd I hate that smiley face!!!!! Who are you trying to kid? Of course, now my brain is going a million miles an hour wondering what his plans are. Arghhh!!! I really, really hate this. I could ask him but that is not DBing and he would probably just lie to me anyway if it is something he thinks I might get upset about. How do people do this? Not drive themselves crazy with the "what if" questions? How do you come to terms with the realization that the person you loved the most who you thought loved you back is nothing but an illusion... a stranger. I feel like I do not know him AT ALL.
Okay... this is going to seem really, really minor but, to me, it is a tiny bit hopeful... just a tiny bit. After I had that text exchange with my H, he texted me again a little while later to ask me if I was able to pick the kids up. That wasn’t the hopeful part but it was a bit strange that he asked me since it is what I do every Friday. Anyway...the hopeful part was that at the start of the text he wrote... “Sorry to bug you...” In 13 years my H has never started a text that way. That is how someone starts a text when they aren’t sure you are wanting to hear from them. It was a little uncertain. I think he was surprised that I had plans I wasn’t willing to change to accommodate him. He is used to me being very flexible because up until recently, I have had no life. I’ve just been waiting for him. Anyway...I am probably over analyzing but it was enough to turn my mood around a little bit. Wait until Sunday when he finds out I am going on an early morning hike.
“Sorry to bug you...” In 13 years my H has never started a text that way. That is how someone starts a text when they aren’t sure you are wanting to hear from them. It was a little uncertain. I think he was surprised that I had plans I wasn’t willing to change to accommodate him.
Possibly, some uncertainty probably because you stood your ground. But, no expectations. We are looking for consistency in actions. Keep doing what you're doing. It may lead to other tiny signs of him thawing, or it may lead to nothing. I can't see it will make things worse though.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
Gawd I hate that smiley face!!!!! Who are you trying to kid? (
I [censored] hate emoji's too. After one particular bad argument over christmas last year, he stormed out. H and I started a text exchange. It ended with me: "You [censored], you don't give a [censored] about how this effects me" and him "If that's what you think, the you really don't know me {sad face emoji}". Our lives were falling apart and he sends a sad face emoji !
We never use to send them to each other (we didn't text that much - it was always calls). Now he sends texts with emojis all the time. Smiley faces, thumbs up, a sad face when the girls are sick. Every time he sends me a text with an emoji in it, I want to throw the phone.
Then I realise, I send him the same emoji's in my responses. Why, because I want him to think that i don't have any real feelings towards him. He is just another person. For me, emoji's are a substitute for real emotions.
I tend to use them so my texts can’t be misinterpreted but I am trying to cut down...lol. Had another AHA moment this morning which I think is getting me closer to detachment. Recently I’ve really started to look at myself and the things I did and did not do in my marriage. Yes he did a lot of things wrong and towards the end, in epic proportions. I could use that to justify my outrage and hurt and I did that for awhile. Or I can take this opportunity to look at myself and the things I did to contribute to this mess. I know, I know... this was the advice that I got when I first joined this board. I thought it was something I was doing but I realize now that I haven’t been and that my inner work has only just begun. I feel lighter this morning. I am going to make today a good day and focus on me and also on letting go...with love. I feel like I will get there. Maybe not as quickly as I would like but I do think that I have taken a couple of steps over this past week. I will work on my irritation with the smiley face emojis too.
I tend to use them so my texts can’t be misinterpreted but I am trying to cut down...lol.
Don't get me wrong. I use them too,"Trains rubbish again <angry face>". Just don't feel they are appropriate for things like, "I am not sure this relationship is working for me <sad face>". He uses them all the time now instead of words. I do too, so I can't really moan though. Thumbs up is a favourite of mine when responding to his texts.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
Or I can take this opportunity to look at myself and the things I did to contribute to this mess.
Sometimes, what I see in the that mirror is pretty damn ugly. I can be a cold hearted [censored]. I know where H's buttons are, I and I knew just how to exert enough pressure to make him feel like he wasn't wanted or needed. I own that. I am trying to atone.
I read on another thread here when I was just lurking (I think it was AnotherStander or AMOAFWL) who said that they took 50% of the responsibility for the things that went wrong in their marriage, but then their S bailed, so they were giving 5% back. So, I will only take 45% of the blame. The rest is on him.
When you start looking at your contributions, don't do it with an overly critical eye. You are only human. When you look in that mirror, don't forget to forgive yourself. Forgiving yourself is just as important as forgiving your spouse.
When I read your thread, I hear an intelligent, emotional aware woman trying to shift through the crap and work out what the hell went wrong, but is trying to do it with compassion and understanding. Compassion and understanding is a big ask on us - we've been lied to, treated with utter disrespect, seen our worlds blown up and made to believe we are not good enough - and yet you, you still speak of him with such compassion. Lesser people would have folded.
Thank you FS. I appreciate your kind words. I am being tested again today. I was on my banking app...this isn’t new. I’ve done it our whole marriage. It is has always been my job to keep track of finances. Anyway... I noticed my H was in a city about an hour and a half away from where we live last night. There was a charge from a restaurant. It wasn’t a lot, however, so it looks as if he paid for himself and no one else. Still...he has no reason to be there that I am aware of so of course I am assuming the worst and trying to come to terms with it. The serenity prayer is helping. I also took my dog for a walk. Today he made a cash withdrawal from our chequing account. Not much... only $40 but still... that tells me he doesn’t want me to know what he is doing with the $ as we have always used our Visa for everything. For all I know, he is still in the city. Sigh... I wish my H was the kind of person who wouldn’t cheat on his spouse but alas, I know that he is. He has a history of it with his first marriage - he’s actually cheated on her when they were engaged which is how he got D18. And she still married him after she found out about it - about two months before D was born. He told me about it early on in our relationship. I chalked it up to him being young and immature. Guess I was wrong. I think it would be really, really easy to try to fill up the hole this crisis has caused with the kind of excitement that comes with dating and meeting new people but I just could not do that to someone else... invite them into this situation knowing all the while that I’m not over my marriage and that my marriage is not [legally] over. It would be the height of selfish behaviour, I think. Of course, with my H, what else is new? Anyway... I am okay. Breathing, and striving to be better and rise above. I WILL get there.
I think it would be really, really easy to try to fill up the hole this crisis has caused with the kind of excitement that comes with dating and meeting new people
Read this again ^^^^
If your suspicious are right. He is filling up the hole that this crises left. He is escaping the sheer 'weight' of his responsibilities and the guilt he feels when he looks at you and replacing it with someone who doesn't represent the same baggage. OW do not matter are a distraction and will not last. He is not in a fit state to make a relationship work with anyone. He has not done the work on fixing himself yet. Until he does, every attempt at a meaningful adult relationship will fail.
However, nothing I say will stop you from hurting right now. Your H is being a selfish [censored]. Pound your hands and scream into your pillow. Call your sister and rant. Do what you have to do to get yourself through this. Remember, I am shred every pre kid photo in the house the day I found out H was dating. I confronted OW then and there and called her an ugly fat version of me (that was one of the nicer things I said). Then I woke up two days later, wiped away the tears and apologised to him (which I still think was the right thing to do) and then threw myself at him (which in hindsight was a mistake). I did not apologies to her because, well, because I will poke burning hot coals into my eyes before I apologies to her.
