It's that time of year again, health insurance renewal! :P I still haven't finished my master's project, and progress on that has slowed since I started working more hours at my regular job back in August. We're on a marketplace plan and I'll have to update the application for that. I'm going to try talking to W about it tonight. It's been a complicated enough process even when we were living together. If W has to pick a different plan now that she's moved to a new state, maybe now I could also shift the payment responsibility to her for that.
I plan to just be honest with W which is that I don't know what the best course of action is here, and since we're still legally married our health insurance and tax options are still tied together too.
Me:30 W:31 S:4 M:7 T:12 PA: 5/6/18 - ? W moved out 7/18
This is a mess. W said she applied for medicaid for herself and son in state she's living in now, and that she's been filling out forms saying we're separated. There hasn't been any legal separation though. She's taken my son out of state, enrolled him in school there, I only see him on weekends. She pretends we're legally separated.
There's a family event at son's school next weekend. W is open to us all going together, but she said she might work that weekend. She might have even used the words "family time" when we were talking about it?
I think I'm going to get screwed.
I guess this is what happens when everything is quiet for a long time. Eventually you find out all the stuff you didn't really want to know. I thought I was being patient. I don't think there's anything worth waiting for anymore. 2019 is the year I get divorced, finish my master's degree, get a new job, new house, and start dating.
I'm sad, scared, and angry.
Me:30 W:31 S:4 M:7 T:12 PA: 5/6/18 - ? W moved out 7/18
I am almost in the same sitch you are, my W moved out of state across the country, I am not sure there is OP but feeling sad, scared and angry is the worst, I am feeling all of this as I speak.
Hi STH, it's good to see your update despite it not being better news. My separation isn't formal either. Has your wife asked for a legal separation or divorce? I bet your son would love having you attend his school function. That's so sad you can only see him on weekends. Everything else about your 2019 sounds great but getting divorced is just such a sad outcome after your patience and willingness to compromise. You never know for sure what'll happen though. Your wife could always realize what she's about to lose, but it sounds like divorce would at least help to clarify some of these legal, financial, and custody issues that have been lingering.
I will be going to the school event with son this Saturday. It means an absurd amount of driving for me, but should be good for son. Tomorrow I will try to contact a CPA to see if I can get some better and reliable info about my options for health insurance subsidies and tax filing status. I don't even know if a CPA is what I need.
Thanks krull and Nicole for checking in. krull, your sitch sounds like it was a very abrupt departure of your wife, and I'm sorry you've been left in the dark. You hang in there too!
My W asked me to work on filing for divorce with her back in the spring of this year, but I told her then I didn't want a divorce and she would have to prepare and file it herself. She hasn't done that yet to my knowledge and hasn't spoken to me about it since. Hardly spoken to me about anything since, really.
Me:30 W:31 S:4 M:7 T:12 PA: 5/6/18 - ? W moved out 7/18
Every day I can't see my son in person, I've been texting W to ask to talk to my son. To me it is a way to try to maintain connection with my son while we are separated. Son is not always interested in talking. Sometimes it is a 30 second conversation. That was hard for me earlier in the separation, but I have gotten more used to it now and just let it go and continue on with my day when I don't get to speak with him.
A few months ago W told me she was upset that I just started asking to talk to him every day. I was asking to talk every day at 7pm. I thought consistency would be good and better than randomly interrupting at a different time every day. I think she asked me then to set up a time with son so that he would be more willing to talk to me. So that's what I did, even though I knew that to make plans with a 4yo for the next three days of phone contact was not really practical. He doesn't understand time that well. Yes I can make a plan and fulfill a commitment to contact him at an agreed upon time, but I don't know that he understands what we are agreeing to. Now W says I'm being disrespectful making plans with son when it is her phone he is talking to me on.
I felt angry when she told me this (by text). I have not responded but plan to during my lunch break. I will text since W has anxiety talking to me on the phone.
Am I really being disrespectful? Does that matter? Am I just supposed to validate her feeling disrespected regardless?
I could respond "I hear you are feeling disrespected. Can we talk about this to reach a better arrangement? I am not asking you to force son to talk to me. I am asking you to facilitate a relationship between our son and his father."
She may also be feeling disrespected by a couple days ago when I did not make plans with her for dropping off son with her until the day of (she texted me twice an hour apart because I didn't see the first one, away from my phone). But that's speculation on my part.
My basic want is to have daily contact with my son. I understand son may turn down that contact some days, but I do not believe that should stop me from reaching out to him every day.
Me:30 W:31 S:4 M:7 T:12 PA: 5/6/18 - ? W moved out 7/18
A FB FRIEND REQUEST!!?? I received one from W tonight. Maybe just because I sent her an email tonight asking to be added as a parent to son's FB kids' messenger account. Is it a requirement of the kids account that any parents on it are also FB friends? Can't imagine W wanting a genuine friendship, and if so this isn't the way I'd want to start one. I don't want to be her FB friend anymore.
More details if interested: I've been slow to respond to W about this conflict around talking to my son on days I don't have him with me, but the night of my last post I did ask her if she was open to talking about it. No response from her that night. Met with my IC the next day who advised me to email a proposed schedule and have a shared calendar for when I plan to talk to son during the week. I dropped the ball on that but did make a calendar before next dropping off son with W. At Monday morning dropoff, W looked to have just woken up. I asked her to talk about scheduling times to talk with son, and she asked to talk about it later. I said ok, and that in case we didn't talk about it, I had planned with son already to call him the next day after I got off work. No initiation of contact from her until then, so I texted the next day asking to talk to son as usual. She replied after 10 minutes that he didn't want to talk to me. Later that night she sent me a FB message which was a request to add me as a contact to son's kids messenger account. We had never mentioned the option of a messenger account for him to each other, though it was something I was considering myself. I thought it would be a less reliable means of contacting him, and I had other concerns about it too, age appropriateness, privacy (my own from W). Tonight I emailed her saying I'm open to trying it out, but that I want to talk to son about it first in person, and be added as a parent to his account. I wish W would actually use words to communicate with me about this. She's just dropping things in my lap with no explanation or discussion.
Me:30 W:31 S:4 M:7 T:12 PA: 5/6/18 - ? W moved out 7/18
I just accepted W's FB friend request. She said I needed to do that so she could add me as a parent to son's messenger account. I took the opportunity to browse her posts and see if anything had changed. NOPE. Everything I see there still shows me an angry woman who believes she is a victim of abuse, made a mistake marrying me, and can't handle being a parent. Funny that lately I'd been feeling more warmly about the memories FB shows me. Hard to see those and remember our relationship wasn't all bad, then see the past year of garbage W has posted.
I don't think I can stay married to a person like that. I have a feeling at this moment like I need to start running for the exit door myself. What I see on her FB is not a person I would want to reconnect with anymore. I don't understand her, and I think I'd be lost in a dark place if I did.
Anyway, I unfollowed her, put her on my restricted list, and I don't plan on checking her page anymore. Maybe after filing for D, which I think I should target for May, same as graduating and getting a job and finding a school for son for next year. All things I'm still afraid of doing, but not afraid of happening. And that's why I'm still in counseling!
I know I shouldn't delay action any more on the chance or hope that she'll snap out of it. Wish I could see some kind of accountability from her though.
Did I mention she's started using our joint credit card quite a bit more again? And carrying a balance with it. I didn't want to divorce just because of financial reasons, but I am looking forward to not being liable for her financial choices anymore. Hoping that selling our house will settle all debts and we can just move on separately. Oh wait we have a kid together... Sorry son.
Me:30 W:31 S:4 M:7 T:12 PA: 5/6/18 - ? W moved out 7/18
Hi STH, I'm sorry to read that your wife hasn't improved or realized the mistake she's making. It's good that you're able to conclude that you can't stay married to her. It will help you to stay more rational during the divorce process. It sounds like in your case the divorce needs to be filed sooner than later. It is still sad for you son though. I hope you're able to find a favorable custody arrangement that will help ease this transition for him.
