I had not realized my thread was locked until Pam IM'd me the other day, but I have been horribly busy in my other 2 full-time jobs as 'private taxicab driver' and 'skating mom' so I have not been able to log on and solve the problem by posting a new one.
My five year old daughter reminded me of an important lesson yesterday. She had a major competition and was skating in a higher group (she turned five two weeks ago, so she now skates with the big girls in the 5 to 8 years group). She did her program great during her warm up and in the exhibition three days earlier. But in the actual competition she fell while making a turn that she has mastered since she was four. She did not even blink: she jumped on her feet again and picked up her program where she had left it, and finished it totally perfect. She just cut her losses and kept on, though of course she knew she had no chance at winning by then. And she is so happy with her fifth place medal as she would have been with a first place. She even took it to school today to show her little friends.
So far, my H has not made any move to leave and keeps calling me with updates on his every movement. I am in a sort of emotional limbo (I guess that is what they call detachment) and nothing seems to touch me these days. As HoldingOn so aptly put it, I exist. Hence the title of my thread, purloined from another song...
Quote: WHAT DO I DO NOW WITH YOU?
Where do I place what I have found
in the streets, in the books, in the nights,
in the faces where I have looked in for you?
Where do I place what I have found
in the earth, in your name, in the Bible
in the day when I finally found you?
What do I tell death
so many times called to my side
that she has become my sister?
What to I tell to the empty glory
of being alone
playing sad, playing wolf?
What do I tell the dogs
that used to accompany me in lost
nights of being without friends?
What do I tell the moon,
partner I thought of nights
and nights, though she was not?
What do I do now with you?
The doves that go to sleep
to the parks no longer speak to me.
What do I do now with you?
Now that you are the moon, the dogs,
the nights, and all friends.
Tomorrow is our 13th wedding anniversary. And he remembered the date and number of years better than I did.
So, what do I do with what I've learned?
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
Sorry, my daughter promptly proceeded to get sick with laryngitis... and she is not a good patient when her throat hurts. And no sooner we were out of that, when my PC got some virus or other and I lost my internet access. I thought it was Sasser and I checked and inoculated all 17 of our computers in the office... Anyway, it is not Sasser, and my home computer is still useless. I am having a lot of problems accessing the net from home.
Our anniversary was OK. My H did not give me a present but he took me to dinner to our favorite French restaurant and we talked a lot... like when we were dating, plans for the future and stuff. After we got married he had gotten very silent and we used to be that couple that you see in restaurants eating their dinners in silence... I had asked him if, for an anniversary present, he would like for me to buy him another wedding band to make up for the one he had stolen in January. He said yes, we would go during the week... but the week in question never came.
Mother's Day came and went, and with it the first anniversary of my actually discovering the truth about my H's affair. I woke up that day in a nightmare of which I've thankfully forgotten the details but that morning my H came in with a beautiful painting that I had liked (and forgotten about) months ago as my present. And fixed breakfast. I was a bit weepy, and I had to warn him that I was sad but it was not his fault.
My D made me another present. Last year she had cut out a paper teapot with a little picture of her in the center. She had such a sad little face in the picture and I was in such a mental distress (you all know how it feels) that I broke in tears when she gave it to me. She was terrified, even after I told her I was crying because I was so proud of her and happy. This year she made a little box with a decorated little plastic heart magnet and her picture. She is so hugely happy, showing off her skating medal with a big smile... I showed my H both presents but he did not seem to pick the difference.
Apart from that, life goes on. I got the KLA CDs and have listened to 3 of them. I was a bit disappointed in them: too repetitive for my taste. But the premises are sound, and reminded me of a few things.
I am still in an emotional limbo, could not care less attitude included. I work, I garden and do my stuff and try to include my H, but I still get very impatient and frankly impossible at times. H has been very proactive in the planting and planning of the garden and trying to come home early most of the times. He is slacking off in the keeping the cell phone on department, though. And my ever alert mind takes note...
No, I still have not figured what to do with what I've learned. But we got a new dog...
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
