Shake hands, we shall never be friends . . .

[OneArt]

Some of you may have figured out that I am a poetry geek. My screen name is the title to one of my favorite poems and my first thread title was the first line of that poem. Here is a link to that:

The art of losing isn't hard to master

I am moving on to another favorite poet, this one a man, A.E. Housman. This is a poem that says a lot about how I feel about my H.

Shake hands, we shall never be friends, all’s over;
I only vex you the more I try.
All’s wrong that ever I’ve done or said,
And nought to help it in this dull head:
Shake hands, here’s luck, good-bye.
But if you come to a road where danger
Or guilt or anguish or shame’s to share,
Be good to the lad that loves you true
And the soul that was born to die for you,
And whistle and I'll be there.


After a very long time (years of an in-house wallower followed by an ejection and now two years out of the home), the requisite MLC beard, lots of addictions from a former teatotaler, at least three affairs, child abandonment, and transition from boomerang to vanisher, I think I have finally arrived.

I do love him. I usually don't admit that. But I do. I married him for life even if he didn't do the same. I want him to be happy. That is new for me. I want him to work his way through his stuff. But for him and for my kids, and not for me. I don't think he will find happiness with the present OW but if he does, I am ok with that.

I don't want to be his friend. I was his friend for more than 25 years. That he did take away. I would like to be friendly with him, for the sake of my kids, but I don't think he is ready for that. I have no expectations of him. Not in a good way or a bad. I have finally quelled the mind movies. Now, when they come, I politely ask them to leave. I understand why he feels the need to hurt me from time to time and I no longer take it personally. I know that I haven't done anything to warrant it, so I know it is part of his stuff.

I want the divorce to be over, mainly because I don't like uncertainty and for things to hang. I don't like the distraction or the expense. I don't like being stopped from taking the actions I need to take. I see a future for myself that is light and airy and not tied to pain and grief and not shackled by the chains of commitments from which I've been released--even if involuntarily.

But I also know that I will be there for him. If he's ever brave enough to ask for my help. I will help him.

[bttrfly]

Hi OneArt,
Yes, I can see how far you've progressed in the LBS journey. Well done. Lots of hard work, tears and heartbreak went into this post ^^^^ we know how much you've been through. I'm proud of you. And I relate to everything you said. xoxoxo

[Gerda]

OneArt, this post is incredible. You said everything I feel. I got another official divorce complaint today and have to meet him in court for the first time on Tuesday, pro se against his evil lawyer who was paid for by my kids' godfather. I've asked him to leave and he won't leave. In the complaint in addition to alimony, 100% custody, child support, all his legal bills and half of all assets, he even asked me to give up our name, which I have had for 20 years. I want to call under a rock and yet I want the new life you talk about so much and for this to be over if he is really going to do it.

And yet I feel all the things you feel.

[kml]

Gerda -
You HAVE to get a lawyer. I don't care how, but you must do it. Don't be penny wise and pound foolish.

As for his demands - they're ridiculous by any standards. But you need an attorney to fight them. Put the fees on a credit card, borrow from family, sell something - I don't care how you do it, but don't try to do this on your own or it will cost you an enormous amount going forward.

[kml]

OneArt - I feel what you're saying. I don't miss or want my ex at all and avoid communicating with him as much as possible. But I still feel the obligation of my vows enough that I would help him if he was in dire need.

I remember a mom at my kids' grade school. She was divorced but her ex-husband got cancer and she cared for him in her home in his last days. I didn't know her well enough to know the whole story, but got the feeling she did it for her kids, not because of some reconciliation. I don't know how their divorce came about either. But I'd like to think I would do that for my kids' sake if it ever came to that. (And yes, I know darn well my ex would nEVER do anything of the sort for me.)

[OneArt]

Please Gerda, listen to kml. I think you have too many questions to be trying to do this yourself. You think you don't have the money to do it, but what are the alternatives. How much are you willing to risk in custody, or visitation or the division of equity. Keep calling and talking to as many lawyers as you can until you find one that can help you out.

[DnJ]

OneArt

A well said piece. Full of compassion and understanding towards someone who has hurt you so deeply. That is a great step to take and a great life to live.

I love your view of your future.

I am happy for you - you little poetry geek.

DnJ

[Gerda]

I dunno why we are talking about my case on your thread! But I am not at all worried about being pro se. I am just worried about how gross I have to be to battle him. I have been pro se for almost two years on a different case and have done very well. I will certainly be able to hold my own and rack up his lawyer bills for a while, probably until his friend gets tired of paying for another man's divorce, especially as this friend is also giving him money for living expenses, and, if I succeed with my first motion, will have to offer him a place to stay. At some point I will tell that man's wife what he is paying for and that should be the end of his having a lawyer.

I have a lot o legal advice from lawyer friends and two friends who went through this, plus sometimes I get some legal advice from a free service I found here, they just won't actually represent me.

If we go to trial, I will get a lawyer then.

But thanks to all for the concern. It would be great if we can stop talking about that, as I know everyone thinks I am insane and wants me to get a lawyer already. Would rather just hear tips and advice and experiential wisdom.

[OneArt]

Well, not sure whether to put this in the stalking basket or what.

Shortly after I helped him vacate from the home, I got new insurance cards in the mail for me and the kids. Making clear that he had informed someone he was living elsewhere. I logged into the insurance online and made an account. I remember the password and login. I've been getting new cards and EOBs at our home address. All of a sudden this am, I realized I have not received any EOBs since the spring (after a bad injury my son had). The kids and I have been to the doctor several times since then, had prescriptions filled, etc. I went to login in to the insurance online and my login doesn't work. I tried to do a password reset (I've had the same email for a long time). The system doesn't recognize my email. To set up an account I have to request a PIN by mail, which will clearly go to him. Evidently he's gone in and changed our health info over to him so he can see what doctors we are going to and getting prescribed. Getting really sick of his crap.

[DnJ]

Hi OneArt

An other bump in the road, most likely caused by H.

Did he know your password, or maybe figured it out? Having your email not even recongized sure sounds like a deletion of your account.

Don’t worry I know you will figure out a way to get around this obstacle - you’re pretty smart that way.

“Getting really sick of his crap.” (((OneArt))) Let it roll off you. Just shake you head. That stalking basket is pretty darn full though.

I guess things have been quiet for too long, he just had to reach out and meddle.