IC is really family oriented. not that there’s something wrong with it. but i think they’re forcing the issue that if D14’s relationship with WW is non-existent, then it ruins her, D14, in the future.
When it comes to one's hurt/angry feelings in a parent & child relationship...….the parent should always be the one to approach the child to work through the hurt/anger. The parent is considered the more matured person of the two, and as long as that child is still a minor, it's the parent's responsibility to heed to the emotional needs of the child. However, in the case with your WW, her own words speak of the lack of concern and maturity in herself. Just as she no longer wants to be responsible in her MR, neither does she want the responsibility of parenting. Therefore, many of these type of issues occur when the WW is in her period of rebellion.
If the IC is unaware of the details of D14 catching her mother in bed with OM, and her mother wanting her to lie to cover it.........then the IC may need a heads up as to why WW is not reliable or cooperative in mending fences with D14. As I said yesterday, eventually this may turn into family therapy, b/c the entire family is affected by the WW's actions. Currently, it seems the IC may have to help D14 without mother's involvement.
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update... forgot to mention, according to WW’s friend she wants to fix MR and am the one that’s not interested. So i told friend, Me and WW can’t fix MR if she’s a) still having an A and b) she hasn’t shown any remorse. Told friend that i am done with begging, pleading and groveling. if she wants to make this work, she will have to put a lot of work. ended it with, am not being high and mighty or arrogant or letting my ego get the best of me, it’s just this time i will maintain what’s left of my self respect, self esteem and ego for myself, and i don’t have to look so little about myself.
You can do what you want, of course, but it is risky whenever the LBH starts sharing his thoughts or decisions with his W's friend. This friend is passing along to you the things WW has supposedly said about the stitch. Then you tell the same friend how you feel. I have not seen that play out very positively in other cases. I mean, you are telling this friend what you really want her to pass along to your WW. Right? However, it could cause you additional stress in the end, b/c you can't trust another person to say it exactly like you meant it. You can't trust another person to not add or take away from what you said. You can't trust another person to not attach their own opinions. In most cases, female friends are going to share their own opinions. I've also seen some female friends of the WW tell the LBH that she's trying to urge WW to stay in the M, etc...…...when in reality, that's not always true. I just encourage to be very careful sharing any information with someone else.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
the WW's friend is not a trustworthy source of info, but rather a spy. If she says WW wants to fix it you can put it how you said or just say "it sure doesn't look like it". Actions speak louder than words.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
This is the first I have heard of a child going NC or dark with a parent. Can you be more specific?
L, I work nightshirt. WW, wants to be a “ concerned parent” so she stays at home with D14 when i work. D14 is mad at her, so there is no communication between them. WW reasoning, “if she doesn’t want to talk to me, then i won’t talk to her”. D14 just stays in her room, al night, til i come home or she’s ready to go to school.
Originally Posted by sandi2
If the IC is unaware of the details of D14 catching her mother in bed with OM, and her mother wanting her to lie to cover it.........then the IC may need a heads up as to why WW is not reliable or cooperative in mending fences with D14. As I said yesterday, eventually this may turn into family therapy, b/c the entire family is affected by the WW's actions. Currently, it seems the IC may have to help D14 without mother's involvement.
hi sandi. back at you with the hugs.
am the one that caught them in bed, but D14’s room was just steps away from ours, so she heard everything.
when WW hangs out with POS or drops by the house, these are the things that WW asks D14 to lie about. D14 is also a witness on some of WW’s waywardness with POS. Hence D14 feels that she contributed to the sitch, because she lied to me, and hates herself for it.
i already told IC that WW is having an affair. maybe, i need to explain further in how WW wants D14 to accept that what she’s into is acceptable and once D14 opposes, WW skins out of control, and starts the yelling and screaming.
my dilemma is, do i tell it myself to the D14’s IC or just let D14 say it herself?
Originally Posted by sandi2
You can do what you want, of course, but it is risky whenever the LBH starts sharing his thoughts or decisions with his W's friend. This friend is passing along to you the things WW has supposedly said about the stitch. Then you tell the same friend how you feel. I have not seen that play out very positively in other cases. I mean, you are telling this friend what you really want her to pass along to your WW. Right? However, it could cause you additional stress in the end, b/c you can't trust another person to say it exactly like you meant it. You can't trust another person to not add or take away from what you said. You can't trust another person to not attach their own opinions. In most cases, female friends are going to share their own opinions. I've also seen some female friends of the WW tell the LBH that she's trying to urge WW to stay in the M, etc...…...when in reality, that's not always true. I just encourage to be very careful sharing any information with someone else.
((hugs))
i still stick with “believe in none on what he/she says and half of what he/she does”. Sad to say these are our common friends, real life- long time friends. granted , they were WW’s first. They call, i ask them what she said, and of course is the same “ play the victim card, the “beat up the dead horse excuse”, which is “ the dog died”.i reply with, “ if i was really an a-hole of an H, where is WW’s D14? who’s taking care of her? what is WW doing now? where is WW now? who is she with now? this is when they realize, that there’s another side to the story. i know they’re more concerned about D14 than me, which i very much understand. always end my side with, “all i have is the truth, i don’t care what your opinion of me after i share mine, after all she’s your friend.” no R talks with them definitely!
i know it’s pointless because it becomes a “he said/she said story”. but they call and ask, and i oblige. am already an a-hole to WW don’t want to be like that with friends.
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
Yea,
the WW's friend is not a trustworthy source of info, but rather a spy. If she says WW wants to fix it you can put it how you said or just say "it sure doesn't look like it". Actions speak louder than words.
thanks ovrr. “Believe in none of what WS says and half of what they do”.
^^^ Even though my M was dead (old R), I owe it to my kids to keep trying. I once told my W that she tried to make our M work for 15 years, and there's no way I'm just giving up after 3 months -InAMess
^^^ Even though my M was dead (old R), I owe it to my kids to keep trying. I once told my W that she tried to make our M work for 15 years, and there's no way I'm just giving up after 3 months -InAMess
toenail, this is admirable. However, Make sure you are also ready to let her go. This is the key to getting her back. If keeping trying means pressure and pursuit then you are bringing the reality of D on faster. If you let her go (detach), move on (GAL), there is a chance she may change her mind.
I haven't been following your sitch closely, so maybe this is what you mean. But usually LBS mean they are going to pursue and pressure when they say "I'm not giving up!"
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
toenail, this is admirable. However, Make sure you are also ready to let her go. This is the key to getting her back. If keeping trying means pressure and pursuit then you are bringing the reality of D on faster. If you let her go (detach), move on (GAL), there is a chance she may change her mind.
I haven't been following your sitch closely, so maybe this is what you mean. But usually LBS mean they are going to pursue and pressure when they say "I'm not giving up!"
good morning steve. thanks for dropping by.
no pursuit, no pressure on my part. i have already said my piece to her, about if she wants D, i will not stop her, but i will not help facilitate it. i have let her go, dropped the rope. she is free. been NC/dark for more that two months now. only time we see each other is after D14’s IC.
GAL is what i live for. been doing it my entire life. bike/run/hike/backpacking/camping /gym/etc. only difference this time is its just me or sometimes with D14, since she really doesn’t want anything to do with WW.
for me, not giving up means being the lighthouse for WW.
update... had a convo with an L. first time for me hearing about “Guardian Ad Litem (GAL).
A “guardian ad litem” (GAL) is a person the court appoints to investigate what solutions would be in the “best interests of a child.” Here, we are talking about a GAL in a divorce or parental rights and responsibilities case.
I’m hoping it doesn’t come to this if she files and there would be custody dispute. D14 doesn’t want anything to do with WW and this was suggested by L. since she is old enough to be interviewed by court appointed GAL’s.
update... had a convo with an L. first time for me hearing about “Guardian Ad Litem (GAL).
A “guardian ad litem” (GAL) is a person the court appoints to investigate what solutions would be in the “best interests of a child.” Here, we are talking about a GAL in a divorce or parental rights and responsibilities case.
I’m hoping it doesn’t come to this if she files and there would be custody dispute. D14 doesn’t want anything to do with WW and this was suggested by L. since she is old enough to be interviewed by court appointed GAL’s.
I found out about the Guardian ad litem when i spoke with a lawyer as well. My S is 15, so he should have some input as well. I doubt W and i will agree on a solution with S's placement, so in the end a 3rd party will be needed. I truly want my S to live with me full time. In my state they will take into consideration my S's prefernce but its only 1 part of the formula they will use. This whole thing sukks. Let me know if you find anything else out about the GaL, i dont know much about how it works.
Together:20 years M:3 years Me:40 WW:40 S15 A suspected:5/17 AC:5/18 BD:8/18 WW in full blown R w/ OM Still under same roof
hey e. the way the L explained it to me. D14 will be interviewed, and since she’s living with me, because WW is doing her WW ways, so D14 really doesn’t want anything to do with her. WW attends D14 IC sessions but that’s about it. will research more about it.
friend at work, known her for 10+ years, has an S. spoke to him Wednesday, last week. about cartoons and video games, which apparently me, D14 and him all enjoy. told me he was going to boot camp and he’s going to miss those. yesterday morning, same lady friend came to work and she got a phone call from SO that the kid took his own life.
i went home that morning, since i work the night before, knocked on D14’s door and just broke down. Told her what happened.
Reason for sharing, even though i know unfortunate events like this happen all the time, is i know the people involved. Just wondering what my friend, the mom. is going through right now. what were her last words to him. what would be her last memorable thought about him. Asked the same questions to myself, what if i lost, heaven forbid. my D14? Then wondered about WW. D14 and her haven’t spoken in a long time. haven’t had dinner at the same time in a while. What would WW’s last words to her? last memorable thought about her?
If you have kids hug them everyday and tell them you love them. if you already do, hug them tighter.
