update... forgot to mention, according to WW’s friend she wants to fix MR and am the one that’s not interested. So i told friend, Me and WW can’t fix MR if she’s a) still having an A and b) she hasn’t shown any remorse. Told friend that i am done with begging, pleading and groveling. if she wants to make this work, she will have to put a lot of work. ended it with, am not being high and mighty or arrogant or letting my ego get the best of me, it’s just this time i will maintain what’s left of my self respect, self esteem and ego for myself, and i don’t have to look so little about myself.
you are correct in stating that D14’s IC use seeing this as a family therapy. I’ve been wanting to suggest to the IC that the dynamic between WW and D14 isn’t going to work as long as WW is having an A. And i think D14 has also mentioned that to the IC. WW doesn’t follow through with the advices that IC has given her. WW is i to this
The counselor needs to be filled in on what's been going on and how momma bear wants baby bear to lie to papa bear to cover up the fact momma bear is sleeping with someone in papa bears bed......and it's not papa bear!
Plus, that earlier post where she was saying if D14 didn't want to talk to her (mommy dearest) then she wasn't interested in speaking to her teenage daughter either, Great sign of maturity and corporation to help your daughter there, Mom. You may have to remind the therapist which one is the D and which is dear old mom.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
The counselor needs to be filled in on what's been going on and how momma bear wants baby bear to lie to papa bear to cover up the fact momma bear is sleeping with someone in papa bears bed......and it's not papa bear!
Plus, that earlier post where she was saying if D14 didn't want to talk to her (mommy dearest) then she wasn't interested in speaking to her teenage daughter either, Great sign of maturity and corporation to help your daughter there, Mom. You may have to remind the therapist which one is the D and which is dear old mom.
thanks again for chiming in sandi.
this is where am conflicted. do i approach D14’s IC myself or do i just let D14 speak for herself? the way i see it if the information comes from me, it will look like am just throwing WW under the bus, which i would love to but i won’t, hence the hesitation.
it’s been a couple of sessions now wherein IC sits them down, D14 reads her jjournal about how she feels about WW, and at the end, IC tells WW that she needs to rebuild R with D14. so WW tries her “best” when she doesn’t get the outcome she wants from D14, all that IC info and talk goes out the door. WW goes back to asserting her parental authority, raises her voice, screams at her. i understand the frustration between the two of them, but then as what you’ve said it still boils down to the question, who’s the adult in that equation. and i know for a fact that D14 is angry and very frustrated, and she has the attitude that if she doesn’t want to talk, she won’t.
been “going dark”/NC for two months now.( actually i replied angrily to her message , instead of validating, calling me immature and bully on 9/22). anyway, one of the reasons why she BD’d is because according to her i was emotionally/physically unavailable. tried to read through the “Going Dark 101 forum” and i cant seem to find an answer to when should i go a little gray or change my position. maybe it’s there, burned too many brain cells during high school, so can’t comprehend that well.
i am a fairly patient person. WW went to finish schooling at another country, she took D(6 mo/o) with her where her family lives, for almost 6 years. i just come and see them every 4-6 months for about 2-3 weeks. never had an A or a fling while they were away.
so i guess what am asking is, if patience is what is needed. i think i can attain that. but if there’s other things to consider, like come out of the dark, go a little gray, etc., that’s where i’m at a lost.i just feel like going dark is more of the same, or i might just be doing it incorrectly.
I'm just a few months ahead of you in the process, and I remember what it felt like to go dark (not quite no contact, but no initiation and business-like responses only to her emails). The first two months were the roughest, and had me constantly questioning myself about it and wondering if it was the right move. Eventually, I got to a place where I realized that going dark was less about her (although it gave her time and space) and more about me. Eventually I got to a place where I was no longer thinking constantly about her or the MR or the BD, and I could focus more on myself, improving myself, tending to my emotional needs. My W hasn't come around at all (it is 6 months now) nor do I expect her to. But I have come around, and realize that I need to heal myself and move on with my life.
It's normal to be tempted to reach out, to soften the darkness, but that is just pursuit which will push her away. It also is not detachment. You have to let her go and allow her to choose to come back or not. Right now you are still holding on to the idea of the MR being saved. Let it go and focus on yourself not her or the R.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
The problem is you see going dark as a strategy a technique a gimmick you are using to get her to snap out of it. When nothing changes you want to do something it's called the "illusion of action". You feel you have to do something try something new to snap her out of it. It doesn't work that way. Going dark is for your own emotional being.
Giving her time and space to CHOOSE you is the only way it works out in the long run.
Until you accept the reality of your situation you will continue to suffer.
i have already said my piece with WW. i have tiold her that if D or S i’d what she wants, i will not stop her.consulted with lawyers, about me and D14’s future. I have accepted the fact that M is already gone. i have already admitted to myself that i contributed 50% of the problems to MR, but in the end i did not run, i stayed, i asked if we can work it out. but thinking about those actions the pleading, begging, groveling, just makes me think, after being in this site, of how little of a man i was. been seeing IC, discussing my life moving forward, with or without WW. strengthening my bond with D14. and seeing all the faults that led me into this situation and trying to change them. everyday just becoming and trying to be a better person. right now, the main concern is D14.
as i’ve said, i’m a very patient man. we were apart for 6 years. i can do this. i guess, the reason i asked is because i feel like D14 is following my lead, in also going dark/NC with WW, without me telling her. Monkey see, monkey do. i want to know if i’m hurting D14 emotionally. i hardly think about WW, what she does or what she’s doing to me. but when i see D14 or she relays her feeling towards WW, that’s when it hits me again.
D14 has her own IC, and i always tell her that whatever bothers her about WW’s actions, she can talk to IC about it. i hope she doesn’t find me dismissive.
