Another update of not much change. Apart from H sleeping downstairs and no physical interaction we are doing everything together as a married couple would. He is planning jobs in our home and involving me in choosing flooring for a room we are updating, working on the garden together. He has initiated a meal out together and asked for me to also invite husbands mum (who I get on with) which I did and we all had a lovely time, it all felt natural. We have been better doing parenting together, discussing with each other before decisions are being made. I have been away from work yesterday and today and he has gone back to been distant again on the phone, I will see what the atmosphere is like when I get home. We have had no R conversations at all since around February. Do I wait for him to initiate anything? What if he is waiting for me? Or is it best to just keep the status quo?
M: 17 T:17 Me:42 H:48 BD 23/12/2017 H says ‘I don’t want to be married’ D 17 D 15, D 13, S 10, S 10
So it is now 8 months since bomb drop.....he’s still sleeping downstairs, no physical affection between us at all. Otherwise everything is more ‘normal’ family stuff. He has started a new job - set hours and is home at a reasonable time (previously he worked odd hours and wasn’t home until late. He talks about ‘us’ and ‘we’ in conversations. He hasn’t disappeared off for the night in I can’t remember how long. We have had no R talk, neither of us has initiated. I am really confused as to if and when I should start a conversation.
I hate confrontation and this status quo has been useful to bring calm to the situation, but I know this can’t continue forever - I need more and I deserve more. I have recently come off my antidepressants and I think this is why I am feeling less calm about the situation. How do I make the next step forward or is it about waiting for him?
Bd - 23 Dec 2017 Me 41 H 48 D 16, D 15, D 12, twin boys 10 Married 16 years
Last edited by Helhel; 08/18/1810:54 PM.
M: 17 T:17 Me:42 H:48 BD 23/12/2017 H says ‘I don’t want to be married’ D 17 D 15, D 13, S 10, S 10
Is there any casual touch between you? If you were to put a hand on his arm briefly while you are talking, or touch his back as you walk past him, how would he react? Might be time to find out.
I'm also curious if there are any changes he has made that are improvements over where your marriage was when it started to go bad.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
I have tried doing casual touches and he doesn’t flinch but doesn’t reciprocate either - but tbh we were never a very tactile couple. He has starting teasing me again - but doesn’t like it so much if I do it back to him! We’ve also started an exercise class and go together - never done that before!
Changes he’s made - doing jobs around the house (previously did not do much at all) e.g fixing the shower room. not disappearing overnight. Being there for the kids, I no longer feel like a single parent - he comes to school meetings, helps with homework etc.. Getting a new job as he wasn’t happy. Negatives are that he hasn’t sorted any counselling when he said to me in February he would.
We both have a week of work (with the kids) in a weeks time so this will be a telling week. He is talking about having family days out (rather than go away as money is tight). He chose to take this week off at the same time as me - he could have chosen another week.
Some girl friends are saying that I deserve better, this situation isn’t good, my needs are not being met and that the children must be confused. All true but this is 8 months so far out of nearly 17 years. He has clearly had issues with his mental health (due to military service). I just don’t know how to move it onto the next stage and maybe he is happy how things are and he is happy with the current situation.
M: 17 T:17 Me:42 H:48 BD 23/12/2017 H says ‘I don’t want to be married’ D 17 D 15, D 13, S 10, S 10
We had a week off work together with the kids. He chose days out - we all had a good time. It felt relaxed and natural. Then this week back to school, routine and work. On Thursday he messaged me to say he was going to his friend’s house to catch up - he hadn’t seen him for a while and he didn’t come home. He came home after work Friday and we went to an exercise class (as we have the last 12 weeks with our eldest daughter). We came home and he got us all a takeaway. Then suddenly announced at 10.30pm he was going to his friends house to climb a mountain. I’m afraid I lost it and became upset (for the kids) and said I didn’t want this anymore. He couldn’t look me in the eye.
I then sent him a message telling him how I feel and that we need to sit and discuss a practical way forwards as sharing a house isn’t working. I told him I will not be doing his washing. He messaged me saying his feelings haven’t changed since bomb drop and he needed to get away and climb a mountain. He sent the eldest children a message saying he was sad, couldn’t play happy families and they can call him any time, that he would stay safe and climb a mountain.
He hasn’t come home. Yet.
He has spent loads of money - a family tent and a brand new bike for himself now leaving him with no more money for the month. He did this before bomb drop and he had stopped doing impulsive spends.
The children said today that last week whilst they were alone with him he talked about getting a flat in a nearby city. He has again denied that there was anyone else.
So what now? I’ve kept busy with the kids today. I feel sad for them the most rather than me. I know I need to detach - do I now keep communication business like? Getting upset with him was a bad move - but that’s done now.
M: 17 T:17 Me:42 H:48 BD 23/12/2017 H says ‘I don’t want to be married’ D 17 D 15, D 13, S 10, S 10
He arrived home at 1pm. Didn’t speak to anyone. Eldest asked if he had enjoyed climbing the mountain and he said he climbed 5. He didn’t ask the children how they were. We were just sitting down to a roast dinner - I didn’t invite him to join us. He just sat in the living room staring into space. I carried on as normal, ate dinner, tidied up, played a game with son and then took the children to a park. Now I’m going to do some chores and keep busy. I am surprised that although I am sad I am feeling strong.
M: 17 T:17 Me:42 H:48 BD 23/12/2017 H says ‘I don’t want to be married’ D 17 D 15, D 13, S 10, S 10
He is home but I’ve had no interaction with him. How can I do this detatchment when he is here, how do I fully detach? I know I now need make things different. I don’t think he is going to move out - he will say it’s his house too - it is and we own it jointly, I can’t make him leave. How can we communicate about the children? I guess I just need to keep it business like. What about chores around the house as he has been doing minimal (occasional emptying of dishwasher)? How do people manage with an in-house separation. If I have to ask him to do things it appears though I am a nag.
M: 17 T:17 Me:42 H:48 BD 23/12/2017 H says ‘I don’t want to be married’ D 17 D 15, D 13, S 10, S 10
I’ve had no interaction with him and stayed away. I got out with friends for a jog. I cooked dinner just for kids and me and interestingly I was distracted and didn’t finish tidying up - he did it - he normally wouldn’t. He also text me about a message from school.
M: 17 T:17 Me:42 H:48 BD 23/12/2017 H says ‘I don’t want to be married’ D 17 D 15, D 13, S 10, S 10
