Part of the problem is that you are buying into the same illusion that she is. OM is perfect and they are just having a wonderful time on their little vacation.
One thing I learned from my WAW when she came back was that much of what I believed was not the case> sh would spend many nights crying about me while in the throws of her fog, but my Dumba$$ would comfort her out of it by pursuing...the "he's still there for me" known as cake eating.
It wasn't until she knew she had lost me and the pursuit had stopped that she snapped out of that she realized that everything she was living was smoke and mirrors.
While she still had me as a fall back she couldn't see that clearly! Why? Because the fog/affair was fun and excitement and I was real life, as soon as I was "gone" and she felt it, she realized that the fun and excitement was her real life and it was only then she had her "oh $hit what have I done" moment.
Me: 39 W: 38 S: 15 D: 12 D: 6 BD 8/15 NEED SPACE S 2/16 Divorced 4/17 and loving it, waw came back 12/17.....I declined
Part of the problem is that you are buying into the same illusion that she is. OM is perfect and they are just having a wonderful time on their little vacation.
One thing I learned from my WAW when she came back was that much of what I believed was not the case> sh would spend many nights crying about me while in the throws of her fog, but my Dumba$$ would comfort her out of it by pursuing...the "he's still there for me" known as cake eating.
It wasn't until she knew she had lost me and the pursuit had stopped that she snapped out of that she realized that everything she was living was smoke and mirrors.
While she still had me as a fall back she couldn't see that clearly! Why? Because the fog/affair was fun and excitement and I was real life, as soon as I was "gone" and she felt it, she realized that the fun and excitement was her real life and it was only then she had her "oh $hit what have I done" moment.
She acts like she is the same person, but she isn't. I know that. I haven't yet told her that I can't trust her anymore, but I don't know if that is something constructive to say right now, or if I should "step off the ledge" and think about it before I proceed.
When she cried, I did not pursue. I just validated. I did not talk much to her at all yesterday and not a peep from her today.
I see a D lawyer for a consultation in 10 days.
2nd DB appointment with the coach next Thursday morning.
Likely will be getting Xanax for this hump. I'm not doing well right now.
I feel your pain....find something, anything, to take your mind away.
Go do cool $HIT Fake it at first if you have to!!
reCreate yourself..TAKE BACK YOUR MANHOOD!!! BECOME AN ALPHA AGAIN!
Thats what I did and still do. I became who I always wanted and needed to be. My WAW is so in love with the man I became she is incapable of having a healthy relationship with someone else. Not exactly a goal or even a good thing I guess but hey it does feel kinda good if Im honest lol.
Me: 39 W: 38 S: 15 D: 12 D: 6 BD 8/15 NEED SPACE S 2/16 Divorced 4/17 and loving it, waw came back 12/17.....I declined
Love it when endofit posts. Very positive messages.
Pain,
gotta let her go. If she doesn't want you, she isn't worth worrying about. You're not going to compete for a woman who doesn't want you b/c you know you're worth it. Women hate that. And trust, she is thinking about it. And she is laying in bed or talking to OM wondering why you aren't all over her anymore. The more you pull back, the closer she will get. I can see that your WW still wants to tell you things, wants you to listen to her, etc. But you are too hung up on her so she hasn't felt the need to come get you back yet.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
You and my support system are the only ones who are seeing my hurt. Everyone else...thinks life is going well for me.
Especially her friends. I don't mope, I don't cry to them. I tell them how life is and that I'm working on fixing it for myself. I tell them of all of the awesome things I was able to accomplish this year and how I'm being a better person for it. W is seeing it and sniffing. She even acknowledged my changes that Monday evening.
Not as much sniffing this week because...she's occupied, but still sniffing and still trying to "help".
I took what DB coach said to heart and felt that I was on the right path when he told me that the convo with my W was a major step in the right direction. Nothing has changed since yesterday but the feelings I'm having internally is gnawing away.
I define the sad clown right now. Laughing on the outside. Crying on the inside.
Definitely did something stupid when I snooped into her phone records Monday. I knew it was stupid and I'm getting burned HARD for it. Not doing it again. Twice was bad enough.
I found the following on another website. Think it best describes the way to deal with WAS:
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'm gonna give you some info that I've found from reading thru at least 15 different marriage help websites about a WAS.
For the first 3-4 months, NOTHING you do or say it gonna make a bit of difference. The spouse will spew, rewrite, try to justify, and generally not care much about the sitch. Anything you do those first few months towards the marriage, even if you think its helping, is NOT. In fact, your just making your work harder and you'll be helping the spouse form excuses about not listening to their desire for time and space. Detaching is almost impossible, but probably the most important thing you can do for yourself, cause "fixing it" just isn't gonna happen.
I really think the first few months is a time that you need to really focus on yourself/family. There will come a time shortly after that a window will open of self doubt in the spouse. If you've been working on yourself, the spouse will be challenging themselves during this window. I think this is the stage the WAS starts to consider more the idea of breaking up the family, wondering if they can make it without you, or the slight twinkle that maybe its worth saving.
This is a key stage, and obviously a stage that can really make or break the future. There are no guarntees either way of course. But its the point that I really think you can help yourself or hurt yourself in their eyes. If you've been doing the work, more doubt might creep in, and if not, they will detach further. Its still not over either way, but at this point you've created more work, or made it more difficult for them to end the M. The patience that you've showed before is nothing like the ride your gonna be taking now. This is the also the stage that I think "Make yourself the person your spouse would be crazy to leave" really starts hitting home.
Your work is still just getting started thou, cause at this point the doubt might be there, but trust comes into play. Trust that the changes your making are permanent. This stage can take a LONG time depending on your own unique sitchs and how much trouble the marriage was in before BD. Its over the next few months that the changes we make must be real, and not an attempt to just placate, and are really scrutinized. Now only time, effort, patience and positivity are your friends, you still have absolutely NO control over whats gonna happen. From what I've read about the differences is a MLC and a WAS. MLC can take years to get thru before you might even see positive steps, if you see them at all. And really has nothing to do with you.
The WAS is almost the opposite, its all about you, and the damage of your marriage. You ARE the reason they're willing to walk away. It also seems to have a much shorter cycle than dealing with a MLC spouse. A WAS was considering BD months or years BEFORE you got word, so for their part, maybe half the work is already done in their eyes. Can you change it around, sure. You know the mistakes/issues. This is where the labeling doesn't matter. You have to go about your DB'n the same. Cause those changes are for you, and if they help the marriage GREAT, but don't expect them to fix it. That's not up to you.
Out of all the websites i'd read thru that I could find WAS listed. There was only about 125 specific stories, and I know by no means that means much as some don't label, some don't know, and some don't care about putting it into a category. But I kept track of what progress was listed. There was roughly a 25% success rate, a 45% failure rate, and a 30% rate of limbo. Even those numbers are scewed. To be a success, you had to be long term piecing, for failure the spouse was with another person long term or divorced already. Those situations don't really mean crap as we all know piecing can fail still, and we know that some divorced or in other relationships can still come back.
But what amazed me is more about the first 3 months and the second 3 months. Like I said above, those first 3 months theres just nothing you can do to make much of a diffence (although you can do an incredible amount of damage) your aren't getting them back in that window no matter what you do. The second 3 months is the ground work for the rest of the process, hopefully you've been doing the work, learned some patience, and are in detachment mode. Its still unlikely the spouse comes home (or theres a failure at piecing), but during this 2nd 3 months the work better be well under way on your own part. After this 3 months the work is still just getting started, I think this is the stage the LBS doubt starts to creep in. (5-7 months)
If some positives are gathered from that 2nd 3 months, the LBS is more willing to give it more time. But if not, the LBS starts to wonder if they can do it, or why there doing it.
By no means is any of this scientific, proof, denial, or something to use as a standard. Some of the assumptions are VERY general to say the least. And each situation is unique. The damage varies from marriage to marriage, mitigating circumstances are also varibles.
What it all comes down to..........is you have to DB, and you have to do it for yourself. Cause whether your marriage makes it or not, changes have to be made. Those changes are going to effect the rest of your life, your interactions with friends and family, and your future relationship (albeit with your spouse or someone new). You can worry all you want about your current situation, but until those changes are made, and made permanent NOTHING is gonna make a difference.
Myself, im currently sitting at about 5.5 months, the doubt and the positivity (in my mind) both have their ways at times in my head. I have to beat both back. I have to constantly remember that the only control I have, is myself. That im going to focus on being a better me/parent/friend, even if I wasn't lacking in some of those departments before. I can always be a better me. I have to remember that i'm only half at fault as to why i'm here, but theres not much I can do or change regarding the other half.
That if im making my changes, im also becoming comfortable with myself that I can make it either way. That even if it doesn't make it, im gonna be one HECK of a spouse for someone else. I need to get to the point that the loss would not be mine, but my spouses. That only I can take care of myself, and I cant count on anyone else to do it for me.
When it comes down to it, it is ALL about me.
Starting to come down from anxiety attack. Still sad, but feeling a little better.
I am ready for D if it comes to it. I don’t deserve this amount of hurt and pain.
Well you are right about that, no one deserves to go through what we have been through. But I promise you, a fast D is not going to solve all your problems. Only TIME does that. Slow down, take a deep breath. Center yourself. Take the long-term view.
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I don’t deserve to be away from my house.
So why are you. We are all big proponents of STAYING in the house. If the WAW wants to leave then hold the door open for her. Don't kick her out, just hold the door open and let her choose. But YOU should STAY. Minimize your losses.
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I don’t deserve to spend only partial time with D4.
Well that's something you can't fully control. Fight for as much visitation as you can get, and make the most of the time you do get with her. One blessing from these messes is it teaches us to value the time we spend with our kids.
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I don’t deserve the crippling anxiety of this ordeal.
Your anxiety is largely based on fear of the unknown. Most of us come to find our fears were unfounded, that the "unknown" is in fact a hell of a lot better than being married to someone that doesn't want to talk to you, look at you or have sex with you.
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But I also know others here who have experienced what I’m experiencing for far longer than I have. So I’m not alone.
Every one of us has been through it, and those of us that have it way in our rearview mirror can promise you that you have some really great things in your future, you just don't know it yet! It may be recon, it may not be, but when you get there, it won't matter because you'll be awesome either way.
Slow down, take a deep breath. Center yourself. Take the long-term view.
So why are you. We are all big proponents of STAYING in the house. If the WAW wants to leave then hold the door open for her. Don't kick her out, just hold the door open and let her choose. But YOU should STAY. Minimize your losses.
Well that's something you can't fully control. Fight for as much visitation as you can get, and make the most of the time you do get with her. One blessing from these messes is it teaches us to value the time we spend with our kids.
Your anxiety is largely based on fear of the unknown. Most of us come to find our fears were unfounded, that the "unknown" is in fact a hell of a lot better than being married to someone that doesn't want to talk to you, look at you or have sex with you.
Every one of us has been through it, and those of us that have it way in our rearview mirror can promise you that you have some really great things in your future, you just don't know it yet! It may be recon, it may not be, but when you get there, it won't matter because you'll be awesome either way.
I still want to act out on impulse, but I stop myself (or I have stopped myself so far at this point. Hope I can continue). Slowing down is a hard act to follow. I'm doing my best.
I want to stay but so does she. I told her that seeing her hurts me and I need to get out. The three on/three off works. I'm debating leaving Sundays as well so I only see her for a few minutes per week.
I'm anxious because I'm scared that I won't get a second chance. And that she won't be as beautiful, or smart, or sexy (I like busty women...) as her. I hope that I get that opportunity again. I really do. I can't control aging or my hair falling out, but I'm still healthy and feeling better daily.
I'm seeing great things already. But the progress has been slow. It's there, and I am an impatient person to boot. Like you said, I can't rush things (slow down). 8 months of S and I have been able to knock out so many issues and goals that I wanted to achieve for a very long time.The DB coach gave me quite a shot in the arm, so I know that my actions are being validated by a professional.
I still have hope for R. But I'm starting to see that I'm becoming a better MAN which is something I thought I would never get to be.
Posting here is very helpful and the advice and feedback I've been getting has been great...but obsessing and analyzing everything I say/do is just causing more self-inflicted pain.
It also doesn't help that I'm borrowing from other people's sitches and that's contributing to my grief and in some ways holding me back from what I want to accomplish.
So I need to force myself to come here only when I needed, but walk away afterwards. This place medicates me but I'm abusing that to a certain extent.
