I'll go one step further, especially earlier on in sitches, and that is that these are cycles, not necessarily stages. Stages are things you typically move through and from to another stage. What you are feeling, I believe is cyclical. LBSs cycle between wanting their WASs back at all costs, to wanting to tell them to hit the bricks, to wanting to file for D and being done, to not caring (apathy). And you will continue to cycle through these. The good news is that this cycle trends towards the wanting to move on and apathy over time.
I know in my own sitch, I would cycle through this. Even when my W started to show signs of moving towards R, I would cycle through these cycles. I remember posting a post very similar to your latest in my own thread. That is why it is always good to feel and understand what you are feeling, but give it some time to make sure it is real before acting on it. There are LBSs here that would feel like this, rush out and file for D, and then regret that decision.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I woke up today and I have kinda came back down from what I was feeling last night. I really really need to stop assuming what W is actually thinking all the time. Glad you chimed in to let me know of the normalcy of all this. Still no contact with W for a few days. I know she will come by today and pick up the kids for a few days. I plan on being there and ready to leave at the same time, going out to GAL.
thanks again Steve, Vapo and Joes for chiming in.
ME 47 W 38 M17 T20 Separated 5/20/18 D-bomb 7/9/2018 Nothing Filed 4 kids ages 6, 10, 14, 15
Remember, you are the lighthouse. You don't come to her, she comes to you. Read blackmac's threads. His W and him went long periods with NC.....guess what? She eventually missed him and came sniffing around. Your W likely will to, just give it time.
DO not reach out to her, just sit back and let her reach out to you.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
That is the plan...No reaching out. I had an IC session today. It helps getting a professional point of view however, he has never been through what we have gone through. He admitted that he has no idea what it feels like. But hes seen it very very much. He was surprised of my knowledge and told me I was definitely doing the right thing. I plan on going NC until she contacts. I will be pleasant and nice if there is any contact from her. No more guessing when or anything like that.
I like the Light House analogy. In the mean time I am just going to keep moving. May catch up on here later tonight or tomorrow. Where did Sandi GO?? lol...shes already got a life!! Thanks Steve / Vapo...great dudes for sure!!
ME 47 W 38 M17 T20 Separated 5/20/18 D-bomb 7/9/2018 Nothing Filed 4 kids ages 6, 10, 14, 15
Okay...where do I start. W called and wanted to make sure the kids were packed and ready to go when she shows up. Then she said that I needed to talk to D15 about her not wanting to come stay or do anything with her. I told her that I have tried and that she really doesn't want to right now. She then asked " what are you telling her to keep her from wanting to come over"? I said " I don't tell her any thing, I also said thats something you and her should probably discuss. I did mess up and wasn't validating very good. I also said that I didn't want my d to resent me if I made her do things she didn't want to do etc. She was very irritated with the whole conversation. We hung up and she immediately called D15. She went in the other room. But she was telling her D that she is disappointed that she won't come stay or hang out. But one of the things she said is that its going to be a bad custody battle ! to my Daughter!! My D basically said "really mom" ? "I know what your up to. You hang out with that guy and you went camping with your friends instead of your family." "I really don't believe you when you say all these things". Then W told her that my friend comes over and we play games with Gma and Gpa. There was more but that was the gist of it. My D was very upset and crying. She said her mom just basically yelled at her the whole time.
So, I knew she was coming so I got all cleaned up like I was headed out for the night. She came and picked up the 2 little ones. She came in as I was sorting through clean clothes for s6. As she walked out I thought I would validate a few things from earlier phone call with me. I said, so I understand what your saying when D15 doesn't want to come over. I will do my best to talk to her and see what I can do. Right now she's not interested in anything because of what going on between us. Then she lied right to my face about the OM. She said, there is noting going on between us and hasn't for a while. She said my friends come over to the house and hang out with me and my parents...lol...She said that she is very hurt about d15 not wanting to be around her. " she doesn't believe a word I say so I am done and when she wants to talk she can come to me" I said, well okay. I will try talking to her a little bit and do my best. I said, "she really doesn't know what your up to all the time because there hasn't been a whole lot of communication between any of us anymore. A few times I did catch her looking me over with my new threads lol...no big deal. Anyways she was kind of irritable and I wanted it to end it. She then said, "well I got to go, I have headache".... I said " I gotta go to ..bye!
I know I need to work on my validating skills. I sat there and listened to her lie right to my face about her R with OM.
Kind of a sloppy write up..sorry for being all over the place on this one.
Anyways, not a lot but it seemed like it for a short amount of time.
Last edited by LANE777; 08/25/1802:33 AM.
ME 47 W 38 M17 T20 Separated 5/20/18 D-bomb 7/9/2018 Nothing Filed 4 kids ages 6, 10, 14, 15
Its just amazing how these WW's wont admit to their dirt hurting their kids. No matter what, they maintain that what they are doing doesnt hurt the kids and they will justify their actioms to the end. Ive realized its pointless to even try to tell them from a helpful point of view. Eventually, they will have to lay in the bed they made.
Just continue to support your kids and be the best father you can be. I see the changes happening in you, so keep up the good work! One day at a time.
Together:20 years M:3 years Me:40 WW:40 S15 A suspected:5/17 AC:5/18 BD:8/18 WW in full blown R w/ OM Still under same roof
Its just amazing how these WW's wont admit to their dirt hurting their kids. No matter what, they maintain that what they are doing doesnt hurt the kids and they will justify their actioms to the end. Ive realized its pointless to even try to tell them from a helpful point of view. Eventually, they will have to lay in the bed they made.
Just continue to support your kids and be the best father you can be. I see the changes happening in you, so keep up the good work! One day at a time.
It really is amazing to me too. It's like some kind of epidemic or something. lol. Not that Hs don't do it to, but there are literally over 1000 threads just on this very forum, and mostly all of them follow the same exact script.
My W actually says it's better for kids to have divorced parents, opposed to living in a home that has issues. And by issues, she's not talking about abuse, violence, drugs, etc. Just every day issues. Unreal.
Anyway Lane, sorry for the rant. I'm praying for you
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Today was an off day for me so far, after the turn of events yesterday, I feel myself slipping back a little. I start to miss the family and all the things we used to do. It is so disappointing and discouraging at times. My kids came with me today while W worked an all day shift today. I picked them up and saw the calendar that shows my W going to Cali for 5 days next month. I really tried to ignore it because I already new she was trying to book it but it looks like its a go. Im hurting today and was doing so good that last week. I really wonder if there will ever be a day that I will actually have a conversation that doesn't involve kids. I miss just talking to her and joking around a little bit. That has no happened in months. All conversations are short and to the point. I know this is how its going to be for a while but when does it eventually happen and will it happen? I feel like Im in the twilight zone. I feel like my life is now a mystery and I am trying to get it all back on track. It makes me wonder if this is working at all. It seems she doesn't have any interest at all in anything about me. Nothing! And I guess that what concerns me a lot lately.
I know the changes need to still happen in me before anything happens with her. Thats why I have been detaching as much as I can. My thought control was really good until today I let it get the best of me. I guess I need to go back and re-read the advice from everyone. Some of the things I need to remember.
Believe nothing they say and half of what they do. Its not a sprint its a marathon. 37 rules,GAL, 180 It most likely take months or years Be the best version of me Stop trying to read W mind. Or anyones. Be awesome ! Be patient. Which Im finally getting good at. This is for me not her. It will probably get worse before it gets better. Detach
ME 47 W 38 M17 T20 Separated 5/20/18 D-bomb 7/9/2018 Nothing Filed 4 kids ages 6, 10, 14, 15
thank equal Believe nothing they say and half of what they do. Its not a sprint its a marathon. 37 rules,GAL, 180 It most likely take months or years Be the best version of me Stop trying to read W mind. Or anyones. Be awesome ! Be patient. Which Im finally getting good at. This is for me not her. It will probably get worse before it gets better. Detach
^^^^^^^^ This. All good.
Regarding your daughter. Do not get in between their relationship. I reiterate. DO NOT! D15 is 15 and not a little child. You trying to buttin, well it cannot end well (as you have seen for yourself). Your W will ALWAYS blame you and try to get you to bully your D. The best answer to your W is that that is between your D and her. And trust me, you will want to have your D's back on this.
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That has no happened in months. All conversations are short and to the point. I know this is how its going to be for a while but when does it eventually happen and will it happen? I feel like Im in the twilight zone. I feel like my life is now a mystery and I am trying to get it all back on track. It makes me wonder if this is working at all. It seems she doesn't have any interest at all in anything about me. Nothing! And I guess that what concerns me a lot lately.
Will it happen? Only the dude upstairs knows that. It might. No point in dragging your feet waiting for it to happen. A watched kettle never boils.
