Wife wont admit to affair, its driving me nuts! 2

[Morbo]

So, quick updates on my sitch.

Nothing really changing, I've joined a gym, going 5 days a week.
Keeping busy GAL'ing with work, gigs, recording and concentrating on getting my finances in order(she really put me in a hole with credit card debt). Very close to buying tickets for my trip to Ireland with my girls in the summer, cant wait!

Keeping NC and detaching as much as possible.

So, my elderly aunt died last week and I told W in quick text as we knew her very well.
Next day after she took the girls and I was in the middle of a gig, she started blowing up my phone with calls and texts.
It was extremely stressful as it was unexpected and she was so mad that she was not a part of my family anymore and couldnt send condolences, blah, blah etc She will never forgive me, LOL
I stopped responding after a few angry texts, which were coming from a drunk, irrational person. By the end, I got over 2 texts and the last couple made absolutely no sense, gibberish.

I told her the next day, she needs to get counselling and stop drinking. She was vaguely apologetic and said she would see someone this week. Me being mr Nice Guy even offered to stop drinking in solidarity with her. She was nice and when she called over to collect some docs she needed she gave this big emotional, teary hug and said she wanted to go for breakfast together on sunday and all hang out with the girls.

I said ok, but was non commital because I know this game.
LO and behold, she came yesterday morning with the girls and immediately left, no mention of breakfast or hanging out but I knew that anyway. She's a piece of work..Plan B etc, just to see if I'm still biting.

So wife's BFF wants to hang out with her husband and daughter(my godchild) today.
I'm in 2 minds about this. I do like them but I dont know how to treat it as there will be inevitable talk of W and what she's doing. I'm frankly getting tired of talking about W and realtionship but I'll probably let BFF know exactly why I told my family what I did. Just the indisputable facts and then I'll try to steer away from it.
I'd rather talk about MY plans, the future, my girls, my godchild , all the good stuff.

[sandi2]

Me being mr Nice Guy even offered to stop drinking in solidarity with her.

You being Mr. Nice Guy contributed (in part) to the downfall in your MR. She has been guilty of terrible things, that's undisputed. My concern is for your future. Please learn about the Nice Guy Syndrome and how to change some of those ways of thinking. Otherwise, you stand a good chance of experiencing another painful relationship. I'm sure you don't want to go through this a second time.

Stop trying to change your W. Stop trying to help her. Stop telling her you will do xyz to get her to do the same. None of that works. You are still holding on to her. Let her go.....for real.

Rather than being in "limbo", as you called it, why not mourn the M that has died.......and maybe you can release yourself to move on with your life. ((hugs))

So wife's BFF wants to hang out with her husband and daughter(my godchild) today.
I'm in 2 minds about this. I do like them but I dont know how to treat it as there will be inevitable talk of W and what she's doing. I'm frankly getting tired of talking about W and realtionship but I'll probably let BFF know exactly why I told my family what I did. Just the indisputable facts and then I'll try to steer away from it.

My advice is to stay clear of all of W's friends. Do not trust her BFF who wants to hang out. Sounds like a mission to me. She will get all the inside information she can, and report it back to WW. Stay clear of discussing the subject of WW.

You are going to make it through this hel! Keep going, keep moving, keep growing, and keep living. Look toward the future, instead of looking back at your WW. Hold your head high and march on, never compromising your integrity. ((hugs))

[Morbo]

Sandi said

You being Mr. Nice Guy contributed (in part) to the downfall in your MR. She has been guilty of terrible things, that's undisputed. My concern is for your future. Please learn about the Nice Guy Syndrome and how to change some of those ways of thinking.

I dont know what I was thinking. I'm genuinely scared for her future though, her mental well being, her drinking, mainly because I want her to be there for our daughters. They need both of us.
Although it may not seem like it, I really feel a lot better overall, due to GAL'ing. I have lots of good friends and goals I'm working on. She just pulls me back into her madness occasionally. I recognize it now and its getting less frequent.

I only made this post because it was the first time in 2 months anything actually happened between NC and just our co-parenting duties.

I met W's BFF and husband and had a great time with my girls and god daughter. I made a beautiful home cooked meal and they were really impressed with my home and what I'm doing. We talked a little bit about W but even BFF has only seen her twice since Christmas. I said
a few things , proven things, real facts(that W cant dispute) and put them out there and why I did what I did. I'm sure BFF may tell W this but I dont regret anything.
I even said(and meant it) for BFF to look after W, check in with her occasionally.

Just looking forward to the future now. Lots of good things happening!
W is missing out. She's lost a good man, lost my family(which was a huge support), all my good solid friends, but its all on her. The penny will drop eventually :_)

[Vanilla]

Sadly addicts put addiction First. Even in AA only a small proportion of alcoholics remit. It's a very long shot and a road to hell for them and their families.

That's addiction before everything, spouse, kids, friends and even life its self. It is a terrible to know that is the truth. That an addict dies destroyed in ruins and damaged. Even welcomed by them as they embrace the bottle. I know this I was married to a compulsive gambler determined to live in addiction and it had priority over everything in his life.

Protect your children from the reality but not the knowledge. Alcohol kills the spirit, the love and the body. It destroys inexorably and without restraint. You are wise to prevent it from taking you too.

I am sad for you and the girls. You are in my prayers as you have been since I first posted to you.

Morbo, you have your children that's important as children come first.

V

[Morbo]

Its been a long time. Reading articles here occasionally and educating myself.

Been a hard few months, lonely, but doing well with work , going to the gym 5 days a week and
my girls are doing great.
I brought them for a trip to Ireland in june/july, saw a lot of family,and we had an amazing time.

Sooo...the bad stuff. W started drinking heavily and found out from my daughters she was drinking in the mornings
before they went to school. Couple of other things like driving erratically and scaring them with her road rage
and I manged to shame her and make her admit she had a problem and to stop and do something about it.
For once she agreed with me and seemed to clean up her act, got rid of the booze and seems more together., LOL
Also, she crashed her car a few weeks back. Over speedbumps at 10 MPH into the back of a 17 year old who was just being careful. Found out from eldest D she was in a foul mood and when she's angry, get off the highway!!

So, very little contact besides drop offs for the girls , their finances etc

Anyway, I was vaguely hanging on to the marriage especially in the last few weeks as we were getting friendlier
but was mainly doing my own thing. Bit more affectionate and funny with each other. She even said that
we might go out sometime.

ANYWAY, so had an interesting Facebook friend request this past weekend.
It was from OM's ex girlfriend of 12 years. I accepted but when I went home she had deleted the request.
I messaged her introducing myself and asked why she had wanted to friend me when she didnt know me.
Eventually I gave her my number and we had a long conversation the next day.
So found out W and OM did go to Mexico in july 17 as I suspected.
They also went when I was in Ireland with the girls, july 18.
When ex GF and OM were together my W called every night and really upset GF. OM didnt care..
The usual,"We're just friends" BS. Lots of other sordid crap too.
Also, OM admitted to GF the past few months that we were together.
I knew all this anyway but validation is good.

Ex GF is kinda scared of OM as he's a real piece of work(puts her down, makes her feel stupid, kinda like my W,).
GF Wants me to say nothing and especially to W. I say nothing because I'm pretty calm these days and its good to know stuff that she doesnt. I like having this ammunition and revenge is a dish best served cold.

Anyway, so its finally done. I've finally let go of it, for real. Dumped all our wedding pics today, all the other physical
things I had held on to for so long. It didnt affect me at all because I know she is totally not worth it.
There is not a chance I can ever get back with her. Its closure for me and its only me and the girls now
and being a great dad.

Funny thing is, she is still miserable, sad, angry and is drinking again. She HATES that I'm doing well, look great, is jealous as hell of all my friends some of who are attractive females. It drives her crazy.
ALL while she is doing what she's doing with OM.
She is a complete narcissist. I even see it in her FB posts. Its always " Why super intelligent people are depressed"
or some other crap, haha
I'm just sitting back and wondering whats going to happen next. detached and free of her (as much as I can be)

It feels good. :-)

[ovrrnbw]

Hi Morbo,

you've been at this a long time it seems. Have you considered filing and moving on? Or are you staying in limbo a while longer?

[SteveLW]

Morbo, onward and upward! You sound like you are in a great frame of mind, I think the next chapter of your life looks bright and promising.

[neffer]

Nice to hear from you Morbo. Happy you are finally detaching and moving forward. Take care of your D´s. Why don´t you get some lawyers advice regarding your D´s and your w drinking problems? Imho, you should set some boundaries there.

Glad you are getting your life in order man

[Morbo]

Thanks everyone!

Regarding lawyers and D, I never really thought about it too much
because I still had a vague hope that we could resolve things and that she would apologize
or at least really give MC a go , or something. Thats clearly not going to happen.
I'm in the middle of getting my US citizenship so I'm trying not to rock the boat
and just get it done. Thats priority #1, then on to D.

I really see what she has done to me. Even this morning she is itching for a fight/reaction
by sending me really cranky emails, texts about school stuff. I'm keeping it cool although
I wanted to really throw out a couple truth darts about OM and their vacations etc
but it just adds fuel to her fire. She's never wrong and will try to turn it around on me. She is dangerous
when cornered and I dont know what she's capable of.
So, I'm just cool as f**k, pleasant and detached. Its driving her crazy and its giving me a kind of guilty pleasure..lol

I forgive her, I really do. I wish her the best. I want her to be happy for our girls.
Whatever she happens, she was a great mom. She needs help now and I hope she gets it.
I will keep an eye on her drinking though and will probably mention this weekend to her.
I may have to get her parents involved but we'll see how things play out.

I think I finally may be able to start giving advice to newbies now. I've definitely earned my degree
at this stage :-)

Have a great day everyone!

[Morbo]

So, thursday night 8/23 was interesting.

I'm for the first time really grieving the marriage, I was in complete denial.
Even though she was obviously having an affair I kinda shut down to the possibility of it, didnt enforce tough love
and was a total p**sy. The conversations with OM's ex GF have been illuminating to say the least.

Speaking of which, I called OM's ex GF on thur night just to get a couple of things clear regarding timelines, when
W went away etc with OM.
We had a very long conversation which reinforced everything even more. OM started distancing himself
from GF around same time of my W. Acted like a dick, all the phone calls, inappropriate behaviour etc
A couple of new things I gleaned from all this was that OM kept asking ex GF early 2017 when she was moving out of THEIR house. He kept mentioning , you can stay til june....
Ex GF ,moved out mar 2017 because she couldnt take his bulls**t, narcissicism and his gaslighting. June 2017 was interesting as that was the time W moved out(at end of lease). So, they had planned for a long time when she would move out. As far as I can see his place is where they hang out mostly, specifically from sun to wed when I have my daughters.

Also, not sure if I should mention but I asked GF some personal questions(with her permission).
W and I had sex a few times last year from jan to sept(last time)., perhaps 10 times.
We always used protection(condoms) in the past and were very strict about it.
BUT, the ten times we had sex last year, we didnt use condoms at all, unprotected.
I was happy as I thought my W was getting closer to me and I'm such a dummy
I didnt even think of the possibility she may be using some form of contraception for OM.
I asked GF and she said that they never used protection.
OM is a typical old school latino who doesnt believe in that s**t.

Ugggh, yuk. It makes me nauseous.

So then 10 mins after that conversation, W calls me up and starts ranting on about this girl
who is posting comments on my FB wall, liking stuff etc. W is making all kinds
of snarky comments on FB and Instagram at her..
She keeps saying to ME, "Use some discretion"..lol
I have NOTHING to hide, other girl is a new friend of mine and we have done nothing inappropriate, at all.
I absolutely lost it with W. It wasnt pretty. How dare she?? And she STILL wont admit to anything.

I tell her I know exactly whats going on. Dont give her specifics on her A and lies but I KNOW.
She keeps blowing phone up with texts and crap for another 2 hours and the next morning. Says she's sending
the divorce papers in september(fine by me!).
I just save all the messages, delete and then go to the gym.

By lunchtime friday she's calmed down. I answer an email about financial stuff but thats it.
Then that night she sends nice texts which I dont respond to as I'm working.
An hour later, more s**ty texts which I save and delete.

The next day I send an email saying that if she ever sends texts like that again, I will delete and never respond.
Also said I'll defriend on FB and block on Instagram if she ever writes negative crap on my wall again.
I'm a public musician and I get a lot of people/promoters/venues liking my posts. Its my livelihood.

Since then, NC except that she's liking everything I'm doing, being really nice, apologetic and then
sent an email to me with how sad and pathetic she is. Even today she sent apologetic texts but I just dont respond.

I have truly let go, thrown out all our wedding stuff now, untagged us from everything on FB and moving on, for real this time without thinking about her(which I was doing).
I can forgive her but I cant forget and at the moment I'm 99% certain we could never get back together
even if she was totally remorseful. I'll never trust her again and she really tried to destroy me.

I'm feeling great, and find myself' laughing a lot more these days.
I'm much more confident and the GYM and GALing in general has really helped.

OK, sorry for the long post, phewww. Gym time now!!